Category: Brexit

SO MANY NESTS TO LAY IN AND SO LITTLE TIME : Outgoing British prime minister Boris “White Sofa” Johnson has made a dramatic return to the headlines in the closing stages of the 2019 GE campaign.

In a bold move yesterday, while at a fish market (and smelling more fishy than the catch of the day), Mr Johnson reached deep into the gutter and pulled a play out of the Leave EU ethno-nationalist playbook.

“He’s really gunning for the racist vote,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “by bringing up EU migration in the closing stages of the campaign? Classic. Use other humans as political footballs, regardless of the consequences of your cheap words. Genius. Just as the polls look at breaking point too for his party.”

Can you imagine the anxiety and fear his words caused in millions of homes? And let’s not forget, he’s causing that in the homes of British immigrants, sorry, ex-pats, too.

Clearly Mr Johnson knows about the value of stability in the family home, having experienced it with several families of his own. Also, if the rumour mill is correct, having caused it in other people’s families via brief encounters. He knows what he’s messing with. He just doesn’t care.

How many kids does he have again? Someone find out and tell him?

“Can you imagine how it feels to hear the exceptional British prime minister yesterday? To have moved to the UK legally from an EU27 state, in many cases decades ago. Fallen in love here. Settled down. Started a family. Paid your taxes all the while. Felt like your home was here and it is,

“And now along comes the prime minister, actually successive prime ministers, to upend all that,

“And one famously born in another country, raised mostly in a different country again and with more countries involved in his own family story? That takes some brass neck. That’s apparently political leadership in the UK. We fought fascism. We keep telling everyone. Now we’re on the road to it and we’re paving it with cobbles of exceptionalism and exclusion.”

This is Brexit of course. If a politician is validating Brexit as a project still, after all that is now known, they are fuelling Boris.

How many additional votes the migration play will gain Mr Johnson isn’t clear, but it doesn’t matter anyway (to him), there is apparently no consequence for Mr Johnson. Which explains why he is the way he is most likely, but there will certainly be a consequence for old Blighty if we don’t teach him a lesson this Thursday. And for the many millions of people conveniently disenfranchised in the Brexit story.

TUB THUMPING DOG WHISTLING PRIME MINISTERIAL COUNTRY DEMOLITIONING : NEWS of a fresh rift between outgoing PM Boris Johnson and his spiritual guide, Nigel Farage, today after Mr Johnson’s latest bit of grass roots electioneering.

Apparently the furore centres on what is to replace the unicorn in the UK’s coat of arms. A subject Mr Johnson raised at a fish market, wherein he almost got lost, as he himself is so exceptionally fishy.

“Replacing the unicorn is necessary to get the public used to the actual benefits of Brexit,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “the end of GP surgeries and the introduction of kids fighting over the one school meal provided in their district each day. That’s understood. But what to replace it with is the issue.”

It seems, unusually for something Brexit related, the decision to make a big change was taken with shockingly limited thought as to what to actually do after the decision.

“Boris Johnson wants to put the actual kipper he held on stage at the BBC Daft Comedy Awards into the actual coat of arms,” the source continues, “as he believes this fish, and the associated lies he told while holding it as a prop, best illustrate the UK’s new direction.”

What’s wrong with that? Surely Nigel Farage, perhaps the most famous kipper of them all, would see it as a fitting testament?

“Well, it’s not that the frog faced, replica human from the Planet Proto-Facist isn’t complimented. But he feels a more fitting, new symbol of modern Britain under Brexit would be a plaster cast of a patriotic British knee.”

This dispute is likely to play out for a while. One thing is certain though, if the UK’s voters return Johnson to power this Thursday they will be declaring to the entire world that we’re now just a little nation of kippers. Let’s hope they choose to deserve a different government…

A TRICKLE THAT BECAME A DRIP : The Brexit Riots Organising Committee, or BROC, is scheduled to meet later today to decide on a new date to begin rioting, just as soon as they can agree on what time to meet today.

“Some members of the committee want to meet before lunch, some think they should have the discussion over lunch, but others think it’ll go better with a big lunch of gammon tucked away first,” a source inside BROC told LCD Views, “I personally think we shouldn’t be having a meeting at all, and should just start randomly shouting at strangers until it all kicks off.”

But the failure of riots to begin last night, after the UK failed to Brexit once again, has not dampened BROC’s certainty that the rioting will happen next time.

“Bloody French tricked us,” the source continues, “they knew that by scheduling the latest non-Brexit for Halloween we’d all be too busy trick or treating to form up and charge on Westminster with burning sticks. They won’t be so lucky on the 1st February, if that’s the date we decide for the next riots. You mark my words.

“Although of course that’s just more underhandedness from the dastardly EU. They know another winter in austerity Britain will diminish our ranks. But I’ve a plan to recruit younger rioters. You just wait until they hear we can’t control our own boarders and those gates and uniformed people they see at airports are just a mirage beamed over from Brussels with a ray gun!”

BROC of course isn’t without its internal critics. There is even rumour of dissent within the committee over the need to schedule the riots to begin with. Surely people should just turn up and riot? They’re supposed to be spontaneous.

“I don’t hold to that,” the source said, “everything about Brexit is a cynical and calculated manipulation of the electorate. Why should the Brexit riots happen any differently? They’ll definitely kick off on the next scheduled date when people aren’t suddenly faced with international pariah status. You just wait.”

HALLOWEEN 2019 RUNS UNTIL DECEMBER THIRTEEN : A DOWNING STREET ‘SOURCE’ has given LCD Views the heads up on the initial strategy for the Conservative Party as the GE 2019 campaign gets underway.

“Halloween is a great time to get hardworking Easilyfooled Man at home,” the source revealed, “so we’re not going to miss the opportunity to hammer our target voter into a stupor in their own homes.”

But it won’t all be just boring old policies about flogging off the NHS that Tory MPs offer on the doorstep tonight.

“Tradition says we offer trick or treat on the doorstep,” the source doubled over laughing for a while, a cackle that rattled through its teeth, “but of course that’s for suckers. We’ve ordered all our MPs to offer trick or trick.”

The tricks themselves are surprising.

“We’ll be giving away, rather than just taking when we call,” the source continued, “all Tory MPs will be carrying brussel sprouts dipped in not chocolate, but carob. But that’s for the grown ups. For their kids we will just be dishing out refined Tate & Lyle sugar by the kilo. That should make for a lively evening at home! Ha!”

But what if people don’t want to engage with the MPs when they call?

“That’s unlikely. We’ll have the scariest costumes of all.”

Oh, what will your MPs be dressed up as?

“Caring Conservatives. Hug a hoodie Conservatives. Ed Milliband eating a bacon sandwich. There’s plenty of options. But mostly we’re ordering our MPs to just go as themselves with an NHS badge on their lapel.”

NO ONE ELSE WANTS A BAR OF IT : The EU27 leaders are due to meet later today to agree a special status for the UK regarding Boris Johnson.

“They’re going to granted Protected Regional Status to the UK because no one else in the EU wants to produce a Boris Johnson,” our Brussels correspondent confirms, “only Little England, a powerful and delusional region in the UK, will be able to produce one. And everyone is hoping that after recent years are digested, even they will only ever make one of them.”

But the move has drawn criticism across the EU. Numerous political figures, in particular populist shitbergs with shady sources of funding, have said any EU27 country should be allowed to manufacture a Johnson. Firm, floppy, soft, hard, spaff, or non-spaff, stick or non-stick, but certainly adulterous morally, politically and ethically.

“I think the outcry will only deepen the EU’s resolve,” our correspondent continues, “and they’re likely to add sub-categories, in an unusual move.”

If that happens it means that only Boris Johnson’s will be allowed to produce Big Red Buses out of empty wine crates, paint little faces on imaginary friends inside, and then festoon the whole thing in lies.

“It is the first time the powerful union, which in the past has protected such regional novelties as Cornish Pasties and fizzy wine, have actually made an individual the unique preserve of one region within a country, within the EU,” our Brussel’s reporter adds, “I expect Mr Johnson will be personally chuffed, any of his former wives and girlfriends relieved and the Daily Mail to run all week on it.”

Suggestions that the EU27 will also grant Protected Regional Produce status to Brexit have been dismissed.

“Do you really think, after watching the UK turn itself inside out, wrap itself around itself like a nest of vipers who think they’re actually spaghetti, and bite itself in the arse daily, while bashing its face against a brick wall for over five years that anyone else is going to want to produce a Brexit?”

Not likely.

“Indeed.”

Halloween. It’s that time of year when supposedly responsible people dress up to extract goodies from the neighbours. But the UK doesn’t know if it’s getting a trick or a treat. Neither is it sure which is which.

The neighbours are ready for the impish Brits. But will they be donating a nice long extension, or not?

“It’s the long game,” remarked independent observer Hal O’Ween. “The EU has had enough of the British indecision and dithering. It has decided to let them sweat it out, and give them a taste of their own medicine.”

But will they stick or twist? Is the EU going to grant the UK the torture of deferring this Brexit crisis of its own creation again?

“Nobody knows,” opined O’Ween. “European patience is running out. One day they will have had enough, and simply tell the UK to get stuffed. Is that time now? And would this be a trick or a treat? This is the real meaning of Take Back Control.”

Deferral would mean another turn on the Brexit Cycle. This phenomenon passes through a number of distinct phases: Euphoria, Optimism, Consensus, Rejection, Righteous Anger and Supplication, before returning to Euphoria. The Brexit Cycle involves, according to who you ask, either moving in ever decreasing circles, or disappearing up your own backside.

There is an alternative. There is always a choice to be made. The remaining option is to stop Brexit completely, since it vanishes on contact with reality. Revocation: the truth that dare not speak its name.

Unfortunately, revocation has become a dirty word, like socialism, agreement and Jennifer Arcuri.

“So quite possibly, it’s a trick, not a treat, whichever way you slice it,” concluded O’Ween. “But a trick of our own devising. Typical of the looking-glass world of Brexit. And the UK is still refusing to acknowledge that the treat is a treat at all.”

So let’s all dress up as zombies, while the real Westminster zombies prepare to roam the country, consuming the remaining brains.

Foreign Secretary Sajid Javid, who reportedly only got the job because he’s Foreign himself, was wheeled out to make the announcement.

“This is not an empty gesture,” he said convincingly. Possibly even convincing himself. “People will want to recognise the momentous occasion on which parliament asserted its sovereignty, even if it does mean that the WAB will be torn to shreds and we will be back where we were just after the referendum. It is symbolic of the hope the British people have for another period of intense uncertainty and decline. I’m from The North, you know.”

Javid was unable to confirm that the coins would be issued in time for Christmas. “They are the perfect stocking filler for the political obsessive and the true patriot in your life,” he said. “The Royal Mint has outsourced production of the coins to France, and it is anybody’s guess whether the extensive, and not remotely burdensome, paperwork will be completed in time.”

Dominic “Short” Cummings is believed to be the mastermind behind this stroke of genius. Commemorative coins are usually issued to mark a momentous event. This time it proudly proclaims the government’s failure to get it done.

“This brand new, and very special coin, displays pride and confidence in the Brexit process,” claimed a Downing Street source. “Brexit must be paused while we find new ways to blame Corbyn and the EU for not supporting the PM whatever he says.”

Sounds fair enough to us.

The Brexit Extension 50p coin, in a fancy presentation pack, will retail for the bargain price of £14.99, or €0.50. It is expected to have a street value of 13p.

EU TELLS JOHNSON TO GET INK’D : The EU have rocked Downing Street late this afternoon by attaching a last minute condition to their latest Brexit extension offer.

“Just as Boris Johnson was waiting by the Fax machine to receive the print out of the Jan 31st offer a text message arrived, unsigned, with the ink condition,” our truthful Downing Street Source reveals, “and it’s non-negotiable.”

The condition appears to be related to Mr Johnson’s earlier claim that he would “die in a ditch” before asking for an extension to Article 50, beyond the Halloween deadline.

“It’s because foreigners can’t understand English unless you shout it at them,” the source understands, “they thought he said something about getting October 31st tattooed on his face if the UK didn’t leave by Halloween.

“Silly foreigners.

“As he says things like this in a throwaway fashion all the time, the EU27 think it’s time for a consequence. For him to face his actions. They’ve told him he has to get ink’d. Presumably that’s some kind of Brusswellian street talk. They’re trying to sound ‘ard.”

Whether or not Mr Johnson will agree to get the ink done is not yet clear, although Mr Gove is understood to be willing to do it for him with a black biro and a safety pin. And probably a lot of spit. Maybe also some toilet tissue.

“Gove undoubtably has the skills to tattoo the date in Mr Johnson’s face,” the source continued, “based on what we now know about his earlier life and his involvement in hard drugs. But I’d be worried about the health risks if I were Mr Johnson. I’d get a qualified tattooist to do the ink.”

But a spokesman for Brussels said the condition was a result of a translator mix up and the accidental sending of Emmanuel Macron’s input into the Brexit extension request matter.

“Mr Macron,” the spokesman clarified, “he told Mr Johnson to get somewhere. But it wasn’t ink’d. It began with an f and ends with a d. But that said, by all means, go and get the date tattooed on your face you silly English kniggits.”

THE ART OF THE BACK OF FAG PACKETS : Natural Born Liar Boris Johnson has announced by tweet this morning that he’s creating a new Secretary of State. Just. Like. That.

The new Minister will be responsible for the pissing of public money up the wall and is expected to rapidly be one of the country’s busiest.

But critics of the move have hit out, claiming that with the establishment of DExEU, under Johnson’s predecessor, the ministry already exists.

“This is just duplication of the work we already do at DExEU,” an aide to DExEU Secretary Stephen Barclay (you know him, he has a pulse, so he got the job after Raab cut and run to study for a Geography masters) told LCD Views, “which now I think about it, is perfectly Brexit.”

But other departments are also concerned.

Transport was effective at wasting hundreds of millions under Grayling. And with the announcement of new ferry contracts in event of a No Deal Brexit, is still wasting millions now.

Justice has done exceptionally well by attempting to privatise the prison service, botched outsourcing of forensics and shredding of legal aid, causing a bleed of cash in other areas as a result. It’s not really clear why the Ministry for Pissing Public Money Up The Wall need exist at all.

“It’s to exemplify Johnson’s premiership,” a Downing Street ‘source’ clarified, “and to distract the people who write reams of nonsense in newspapers. Nothing will better encapsulate Johnson’s time in office than a mass haemorrhage in the public finances.

“Whether or not he gets any Brexit. Just look at the ‘Get Ready for Brexit’ state sponsored, party political broadcast campaign? How many nurses could that have paid for? It was excellent.”

It seems the creation of the ministry also signals that the age of austerity is definitely over. The primary aim of the department will be to borrow massively from the future to pissing away everything we have today. This is necessary as the Brexiters have already largely pissed away any historical legacy, be it domestic or international.

“You can’t get more Brexit than that,” the source added, “blowing your future to piss away your today. Get Ready.”

BEING A BIG BOY IS HARD : Boris “short trousers” Johnson, emotional age 5 (maybe less) has written a letter to some adults because some mean kids he knows made him do it.

The mean kids are part of a neighbourhood club that Boris joined and expected to be the boss of, just because. The club is friends with other clubs and they all make one big club together.

But Boris, emotional age 5 (maybe less), wants his club to be on its own because he’s special.

Now his club members have ganged up on him and made him do something he really didn’t want to do, just to stop other people getting hurt. At least for now.

This is tell the other clubs he wants his club to stay friends with their clubs for a bit longer.

“Boris doesn’t know why the other people in his club don’t trust him?” Iain ‘Irritable Little Duncan’ Sheets said, “Boris is the boss of the club so everyone has to do what he wants. Poo poo wee wee pants.”

But in spite of the tantrums Boris, emotional age 5 (maybe less) has done it. Because he couldn’t change his club rules in time to not have to do it.

“Well, someone in his treehouse did,” our Mature Democracy correspondent says, “it may not personally have been Boris, mental age 5, maybe less.

“He didn’t sign the letter. He may have threatened to give one of the other kids he hangs out with a wedgie unless they did it for him. Or threatened to tell on them over some secret Boris knows. One or the other. Or maybe he signed it in invisible ink. Who knows. But the letter has been sent. That’s what counts.”

What the adults who received the letter will do is anyone’s guess. Some think they’ll take pity on Boris and try and help him. Mostly because if they do he’ll bugger off and stop being a complete pain in the arse.

“More correctly he’ll be an even bigger pain in the backside but he will only be doing it at home. So the adults can just tut then and wonder about his upbringing. He can’t have heard no a lot when he’s being naughty. Or he screamed and the no became yes. Never good.”

It’s reassuring to know though, that when it comes to the crunch, Boris will do what he’s ordered to out of fear of being punished if he doesn’t.

“That’s because he’s a bully and they don’t like getting hurt. It’s all bluff and bluster and hurting other kids so they do what you want. It fills the screaming void inside for a while.”

Now, if the other kids are smart they’ll use this latest upset for Boris, age 5, definitely lower, as an excuse to stop him being boss of the local club.

Remember once, we used to be a country with respect rule of law at club management level and grown ups in charge.

“That’s not Boris. He’s a big kid who doesn’t respect the rules. Because his emotional age is 5, maybe lower.”

Well, that’s tough. That’s the rules of the club.