Category: Brexit

EAT YOUR HEART OUT CRYSTAL PALACE : £350m will still buy you a lot of public good these days, even with the devaluation of pound sterling caused by people believing exactly the same sum on a f*cking bus in 2016.

And in 2020 £350m will buy you one of the special radiation resistant, alloy panels to be bolted onto the side of the mahoosive walk-in fridge to be built to house the Festival of Brexit.

“The job boom in the town chosen to hold the Festival, Royston Vasey, is going to be something else,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “while some feathers have been ruffled at the rushed nature of the procurement process, we got away with it for the postal votes in the last general election. And yes, the company, Tory Tory Troy Enterprises, awarded the construction project, will be dissolved five minutes after completion. Records burned. Everyone who ever worked for it locked into eternal silence by an NDA.”

The fridge will look familiar too, even with the giant scale, large enough to contain the entirety of England.

“We’ve hacked into the EU and nicked the blueprints for the Chernobyl Containment Shield,” the spokesman said, with an air of pride that was almost luminous, “we don’t want any of those Eurocrats attempting to undermine the fun. Once the Brexit Containment Shield is built no one at all outside the UK will know what we’re up to.”

That’ll chime nicely with no one inside the UK knowing either.

“And the best part of all of this the EU is footing the bill for the shield,” the spokesman added, “not that we can think why. The fools! They won’t be able to experience the Festival of Brexit if they can’t see inside.”

“And the bells are ringing out for Brexit Day.” Announcing the death of the United Kingdom as we know it today.

The campaign by miniature monomaniac Mark Francois to reinstate Big Ben for this purpose has failed. Unfortunately for him, the bell is out of action for long term maintenance. In typical Brexit fashion, reality has got in the way of another poorly thought out idea.

Instead the people at Leave.EU, people so one-eyed as to make a Cyclops jealous, are encouraging churches to ring their bells in place of Big Ben. Bellringers across the country are not happy that they will be expected to ring bells at 11pm on a Friday night, when any self-respecting bellringer should be three sheets to the wind in the pub.

LCD Views looked high and low for a bellringer to interview, settling within ten seconds upon the Tower Captain at St Jeremy’s-in-the-Shit.

“Well I’m buggered if I’m going to spend my valuable drinking time ringing f@*#ing bells,” said the Captain, Cam Panology. “Can you imagine? Eight of us, nineteen pints to the good, scrambling up the narrow winding steps to the bell tower? Fat chance. Imagine the complaints! And that’s just from the ringers!”

He revealed that he did have a plan in mind, should he be ordered to ring the UK out of existence. “We, the ringers that is, will take our beer up the tower at the start of the evening,” Cam told us. “We are then going to hold a competition to see who can ring the biggest bell best under the influence. My own completely unimpartial judgement will be final!”

The funeral bell will mark not only the passing of our EU membership, but the integrity of the Union itself. “Better off out of the union,” is the Brexit mantra, and Scotland, Northern Ireland and even Wales have heard it. The EU will be in no hurry to deal with whatever remains of the UK, although it is always keen to admit new members.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

Did he inhale? Michael Gove, the Chancellor of the Dutchie of Lancaster, is planning to go out of the EU on a high. He is planning a huge bong at 11pm on the 31st of January.

But not of Big Ben. That honour falls to porky, pint-sized popinjay Mark Francois. Francois is planning to climb up the Elizabeth Tower himself, personally in person, and ring the bell himself. Gove, a man who knows a thing or two about getting high, poured scorn on his rival’s ambition.

“Mark Francois, bless his soul, he couldn’t manage more than a couple of flights of stairs without refreshment,” he said, the cultured Edinburgh accent veering into Glaswegian Trainspotting territory at times. “Even if the wee laddie started climbing today, he would struggle to get to the top by Christmas, quite frankly.”

It does seem unlikely that the massive bell and the massive bellend will meet in the near future. But what of Gove? Is he going to ring the changes? Is he going to ding dong merrily on high?

“It will be a celebration!” he claimed, struggling to make his bloodshot eyes focus. “Like Burns NIght and Hogmanay rolled into one,” he continued, rolling another one. “As a loyal Scotsman, Englishman, whatever, I will be having a wee dram or two, Jimmy, och aye the noo, and quite possibly something stronger. I have a nose for such things. Whisht!”

Acquaintances of Gove claim that once the bongs start, they never stop. “We always have a jolly spliffing time,” said sometime party girl Lita O’Whiskey. “Mikey always has the best stuff. He may be a bit of a dope, but you are what you smoke, as they say.”

After all, sweet oblivion is the way to go, once the UK has finally decided upon sweet oblivion for itself. The sun has finally set on the British Empire.

LOWER EDUCATION LOWER, LOWER, KEEP GOING : 10 Downing Street has reacted to the libtard, snowflake moaning over the potential loss of UK students involvement in Erasmus by announcing it is replacing the dangerous scheme of international collaboration with a UK only one.

“Seriously, people are much more upset over Harry supporting Meghan in deciding to live a life away from the racist bile of British tabloid columnists than they are over their own government voting to shaft child refugees, where stunned anyone noticed our stepping away quietly from Erasmus. Bit of a blind side that.”

But while the vote in the House of Commons to block Layla Moran’s suggestion the government should prioritise international exchange of students is not in itself a surprise, the decision to act swiftly and replace Erasmus with a UK only scheme is.

“Anuss will benefit true born British people and especially native Inglanders,” the spokesman revealed, “Anuss stands for Awful Nationalism Used Stupidly Syndrome and we’ve spent a lot more time gazing at it than most are willing to realise.”

While participation in UKGov’s Anuss will initially be voluntary, it is hoped to swiftly bring in legislation to force all students to participate.

“We want them to really get their heads stuck into it,” the spokesman grinned, “smell it, taste it, feel it. It’s a fitting symbol of the new world we can create thanks to Brexit. Just shove your noggin into Anuss and keep it there.”

But what about students who still wish to participate in Erasmus?

“That’s straightforward and will be covered in the legislation we’re bringing forward for parliament to rubber stamp,” the source replied, “if their daddy is a wealthy Brexit backer whose bought them a burgundy passport for an EU27 state, off you go son, enjoy yourself. If they’re a poor person we’ll be charging them with treason. We call it levelling up higher education to create the Britain we want to govern. Educated, entitled rich people ruling over barely literate plebs. Perfect.”

WHAT’S LATIN FOR PRAT : THE GOVERNMENT has been successful in its attempt to block British youth from participation in the EU wide Erasmus scheme.

“After Brexit British youth will have more important things to do than lessen feelings of antipathy towards the continent by actually going there,” a spokesmen for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “it’s not enough to have an endless focus on historical conflicts with the continent in our school curriculums, we’ve got to ensure no one grows up actually meeting someone not raised on meat and two veg.”

The desire to isolate British youngsters and make them proper potatriots will also include rebranding of some recklessly named goods.

“Brussel sprouts? British sprouts thank you very much. You hardly need to be reminding the chimney sweeps and match makers of tomorrow that there’s apparently food in other countries at Christmas. And French fries? Let’s have some Sovereignty chips thank you very much.”

As to what will replace the Erasmus scheme? They have an easy answer to that.

“There’s plenty of positive learning experiences available right at home for any youngsters dumb enough to not have parents rich enough to compensate for the sudden limiting of their horizons,” the source grinned.

“The youngsters of today and tomorrow need look no further than the chimneys of Jacob Rees-mogg’s estate,” the source added, “and those fruit trees aren’t going to pick themselves anymore. Staying home and working to make a success of Britain, post Brexit, also solves the ticklish problem of young people coming home with bloody foreigners as spouses.”

That’ll solve the issue of having to treat people from other places like human beings too. Brexit, it’s a vision and they’re realising it. Taking away rights while everyone looks at the Royal Family.

LITTLE BRITAIN ROARS : UK President Boris Johnson has revealed the depth of his understanding of the EU when he fired a shot over the bows of EU crown prince Junker today.

Speaking to handpicked press audience of idiots serving Murdoch and Mammon, President Johnson did not hold back.

“If Scandinavian champagne producers think they will continue to have an open goal against English sparkling wine makers after Brexit, they’ve another thing coming!” a boisterous Mr Johnson said, and then did callisthenics for several minutes.

The warning will serve to put the EU’s unelected, hereditary rulers on notice.

“Just because you’ve maintained your power unbroken since the Norman Invasion of 1066, don’t expect to carry on after Brexit is done.”

How the long established Scandinavian wine makers will react isn’t clear, but Will Tugforelockforcash, writing in the Telegraph, or it could be The Sun, or The Express, or The Fail, it’s pointless to try and distinguish which, as it doesn’t matter, said the following.

“There is no way the Swedish champagne sector can compete with an unbridled English sparkling wine maker exporting internationally over the heads of the Norwegians. I expect the Estonian bubbly makers will be rapidly seeking a bi-lateral trade deal with Downing Street.”

Junker can go whistle! We’re Global Britain and we haven’t just re-elected a complete brace of idiots!

NOT SEEING IS BELIEVING : Boris Johnson is proving to be an innovative prime minister even while far away on a well earned holiday.

“Initially Mr Johnson planned to spend the weeks following his totally legitimate, honest victory on the back of completely plausible commitments and policy deadlines by touring the constituencies that switched to back his three word slogan,” a Downing Street insider reveals, “but happily cooler heads prevailed. There’s little point in talking to voters who back him. I mean, what the hell would they tell him? So instead he decided on a beach holiday so expensive it costs the annual earnings of a sizeable number of Labour to Tory switchers.”

But even while on holiday he hasn’t been idle?

“He’s texted Cummings at least twice to see if he’s completely outsourced the civil service and MOD yet? And he’s thought a lot about the importance of words.”

And the thinking is beating fruit?

“Yes, he’s banned the B word. This way no one will blame him by association when all the damage it promises occurs. He’s also banned ‘Acuri’, investigation, Russian interference and garden bridge. Although garden bridge may get unbanned when he decides on a legacy project. He’s also thinking about holding another GE before Labour finish their, um, period of reflection.”

He’s got a lot done for a man who is supposed to be chillaxing!

“I know, right! He’s going to ban ‘NHS’ too, so people can’t accuse him of flogging it off.”

But what’s he replaced ‘Brexit’ with, now he’s gone Orwellian and banned the word?

“Jam head into rectum,” the insider reassures, “where there was once just a word, now there’s a whole phrase!”

Amazing. I can picture the benefits of jamming my head into my rectum already.

“Yes! You’ll be thinking just like Boris Johnson!”

IT’S ALL GREEK TO HIM : HOLIDAYING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSONOV is not letting the Caribbean air lull him into a false sense of security. He’s still hard at work. And we don’t mean making sure his wife doesn’t know he has a mistress. That’s all forgive and forget now. ain’t it? Now they’re in Number 10 and the UK’s face to the world.

As the clamour for the publication of the intelligence report into Russian Interference in UK Elections goes on he has decided to finally act and satisfy his critics.

“He’s personally translated it into Ancient Greek,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “something of a Christmas present to the country, “just because he’s far away, for weeks, doesn’t mean he’s thinking only of himself. He’s recorded it too. Spoken word. Mostly garbled. But that doesn’t matter. He’s a toff. We all love a bumbling toff.”

Critics of the timing have been quick to point out though that it would have served British democracy better to have had the report published prior to the December 12th general election.

Just like it would have been preferable to have the Acuri investigation happen before the general election. Oh and a full bloody public inquiry into Brexit.

Oh and maybe a cost/benefit (scoff) analysis of Johnson’s chosen Brexit before voting on it in parliament?

What a basket case of a country Brexit, and a proven to be useless opposition, have allowed this country to become.

Never mind, cheer up, it’s Christmas! Actually do.

Anyway, Downing Street responded to the criticism by laughing.

This is now the standard government response to any accusation of impropriety or wrongdoing, no matter how credible. And Global Britons better get used to it.

“It’s not like they’re going to go out and carry on like the French,” the insider scoffed, “we can pretty much do what we like with this servile country now we’ve bought and paid for it. Well, somebody has bought it. No, the good citizens of Brexitannia will just take it, waiting for common sense to return as they slowly perish. Makes it bloody easy to squeeze in a little fascism by the backdoor. I tell you! How much are you willing to pay to see a GP within a day? Ha!”

Merry Christmas. If you look at the current governance of the UK and think ‘it’s all Greek to me’, that’s how they want it to be 😉

Wetherspoons, the Brexit beer merchants, are up before the judges on charges of cruelty to animals. The Brexit they craved has driven EU nationals back home, as planned. Unfortunately, this means that there is nobody left to wrap their pigs in blankets.

The recent cold snap resulted in the unlucky beasts dying of hypothermia. Pigs cannot pull a blanket on, since they lack hands and things. The severe chill covering the country since Boris Johnson gained his deadly mandate has resulted in the deaths of ideals, dreams, the Labour party and now innocent porkers.

LCD Views’ Less Than Minimum Wage correspondent brought our concerns to Wetherspoons’ big haired, small faced supremo, Tim Martin.

Why did you permit the death of the pigs, we asked.

“I’m backing Boris to get it done!” he replied. “It’s more important than a few pigs, in fact nothing is more important except my profits!”

Backing Boris has caused the situation, though. The hostile environment and the reign of the send ’em back brigade have caused many non-UK citizens to flee.

“Yeah, but Brexit!” Martin insisted. “It’s a price worth paying!”

You could pay some British people to wrap the pigs up instead.

“Yeah, but the EU makes me pay minimum wage,” he argued. “Three times more than the eastern Europeans would accept. I can’t afford to pay that, how do you think I keep the price of drink so low? The sooner we Brexit properly, the less I can pay people to work longer hours!”

We also heard rumours that the situation has deteriorated so far that there is nobody left prepared to wrap sausages in bacon.

“What do these idiots want?” he exclaimed, losing his rag at last. “Have the all day breakfast, roll your sausage up in your bacon if that’s the way you like it, and leave the black pudding for the next customer!”

We wait for the case to be dismissed, since Martin is clearly on the side of the little man.

BURN A HOLE IN YOUR POCKET : DOWNING STREET shows no sign of letting up on the entirely Brexit appropriate, pointless symbolism with the forming of a new, psychoactive parliament.

“I can confirm today that the Brexit 50p coins that we had to melt down, at vast expense to the public because we got the date wrong, will be re-minted and issued on the 31st January 2020,” someone doing a Sajid Javid impersonation said, “this is so we can rub remainers faces in it as part of healing the country.”

But while the return of the tub thumping coin is no surprise, the complete redesign is.

“As part of paving the way for the UK being entirely asset stripped for the profit of US billionaires we have given the coins a fresh look,” the Javid impersonator continued, “this is to make the transition to a colony of Trump Corp seamless.”

The adopting of US currency on the streets of Little England is not expected to cause too many concerns, as the NHS bills you will receive once Brexit is a success will be issued with amounts due in USD.

And to ensure the complete acceptance of the commemorative, Brexit half dollars the government is going to legislate accordingly. You will get to like it or you will be arrested.

“Once parliament is back up and malfunctioning we will pass emergency legislation making the new half dollar coins the only legal tender in the United Kingdom,” the shadow of a man confirmed, “we expect this to make Scotland especially grateful.”

And what is even better, the coins will have not one, but the busts of two monarchs on the obverse. Both Donald Trump and mini Trump will be featured.

Spend them wisely. Food won’t grow on trees after Brexit you know.