Category: Brexit

WILD OATS KNOW NOT WHERE THEY GO : BRITAIN is all set to get Brexit done with the start of negotiations over our future relationship with 500m people, comprising the largest trading bloc on Earth, due to start sometime this year.

We’re tearing up those treaties, binning those rights and getting ready to lay sea mines in our fishing waters. We mean business.

And to ensure the tyrannical, banana straightening, vacuum cleaner power reducing, protectionist trading EU knows they’re going to get it good the UK’s bonking Boris is taking personal charge of the negotiations.

“It’s just so he can spend more time in Brussels really,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “oh, and because everyone he’s promoted to the cabinet is an idiot.”

But if Barnier thinks he’s going to have a hard time of it facing off against Boris, he’s right! You try getting anything reliable or sane out of the mad bouffant king of Blighty.

“Barnier will have moments to catch his breath though,” the source details, “as Boris is setting out a range of unbreakable red lines for how the negotiations will be conducted.”

1. No details please, we’re British
2. If Boris wants to bonk someone then he’ll bloody well go off and bonk someone – Barnier will have to twiddle his thumbs and deal with it.
3. Negotiations will be adjourned the moment Boris Johnson gets bored of it.

The EU is expected to bow and scrape and take these serious conditions on board, before bending the knee. Because we’re British!

And once all that farting about is out of the way, and Boris is off making the beast with two backs with someone, the real Brexit negotiations will begin. Those being the EU, USA, China and Japan deciding who gets to own what of cut price Global Britain.

Brexit, it’s bonkers.

SUCK IT IN AND SPIT IT OUT : THE GOVERNMENT has unveiled today the commemorative Brexit dummies which will be given away to a grateful public on January 31st.

“Government ministers are to receive gold plated dummies for the gold plated dummies in the cabinet,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “and junior ministers will receive silver ones. Ordinary members of the public who wish to celebrate Brexit can purchase latex ones or steal them off babies went out and about in public.”

The dummies, which have the phrase ‘Get Dummy Spitting Done!” printed on the sides are specifically designed for spitting. Can’t take that foreigners have the same rights as Englishmen? Then get spitting! Can’t take that plebs have the same rights as toffs? Then get spitting!

“Once the UK is legally out of the EU and into the transition period where nothing changes, while everything has, the dummies will be vital for mood control,” the source continues, “we anticipate the demand for spitting dummies alone will more than compensate for any loss to traditional manufacturing sectors caused by Brexit.”

But furore has engulfed the release with the revelation the dummies are to be manufactured in an undisclosed EU27 country and flown into the UK by the RAF.

“The best people to make the dummies at a competitive price were based across the ENGLISH Channel. It’s only sensible to make the taxpayer’s hard earned money go as far as possible, and not just into tax havens. A particular pizza firm, which used to supply non-existent ferries to the Department of Transport, has said it can make spitting dummies for the right price, so it’s only sound economic management to give them the contract.”

Questions as to how the dummies will be imported, and still be economically viable, after the end of the transition period have been blithely waved away.

“Once our skilled negotiators are sat around the big table in Brussels staring in confusion at Barnier’s giant piles of paper I think we’ll have all the answers we need to any unresolved questions. There will be adequate dummies for spitting after Brexit.”

And you can bank on that, after all, there’s more than enough dummies in the current cabinet.

Freshly minted Chancellor Sajid Javid has reintroduced the doomed Brexit 50p. Its latest doom has also been revealed – the worthless metal will be transformed into a bell, to prevent melty mini megalomaniac Mark Francois from having yet another meltdown.

Javid, whom nobody refers to as ‘The Saj’, is, as is quite normal, unaware of this development. He is already looking forward to presenting one to Prime Suspect Minister Boris Johnson this week, and bonding over a celebratory hand shandy.

The coin is already virtually worthless, as 48% of retailers will refuse to accept it.

The scrap value of three million coins is significant though, so the metal is being recycled once again. This time to appease a bell-obsessed bell-end.

Plans leaked on the back of an envelope discarded in the House of Commons bar reveal that the bell will be hung in a newly built tower on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square. The workmanship will be 100% British. Polish, Lithuanian and Irish builders have been symbolically forbidden to help out. This is unless time runs out, in which case they will be brought in at great expense and deported again afterwards.

Preparations are going well. The British builders are waiting for a skip and have gone on an extended tea break.

Due to an administrative error, the wrong Royal Mint was contacted. Three million fragrant mint plants have been delivered, on time, to Mr Francois’ council house in Essex. His neighbours have already tried to smoke the leaves, meaning they can have a fag and a mint to conceal the smell at the same time.

The tower has acquired the name The Boris Tower, and the bell has been named Fifty Pence Fred.

It would be utterly negative, traitorous and unpatriotic to point out that a poor quality, high cost, and fundamentally useless project like this is a perfect metaphor for Brexit. So we won’t. Nothing to see here, move along now.

TODDLEROCRACY OR TOFFLEROCRACY : The UK is achieving great new things globally, under blond boy Boris, even before the terminal moment of Brexit (CET).

“We were the first officially recognised Idiocracy,” a Downing Street source trumpets in triumph, “the first Foffcracy, under Theresa May’s hostile environment, the foremost Kakistocracy due to being such a great place to clean your dirty money and now the UN has officially labelled the UK the first Toddlerocracy! The winning simply does not stop. Get over it.”

The accolade has been awarded in advance of “Getting Brexit Done” on the 31st January, even if by all reasonable analysis that’s just the end of the beginning of doing it.

“The Tories and associated little Englanders should be rightfully proud of their achievement. After next Friday a lot of well born, emotionally stunted, heads full of exceptionalism toffs are going to feel mightily at ease.”

Not just toffs! Racists will too! For a moment. Which is nice.

“Can you imagine the pain of being born into the born to rule set, knowing that the plebs are getting the same rights as you, incrementally, via EU membership and not dependent on personal wealth? That’s a serious angst. Worth, financial and intrinsic, is a question of birth, not supranational organisations who enfranchise people based purely on their basic humanity. Good Lord! Bloody frogs! Meddling in our Toffocracy! Well that’s done with now.”

But be reassured, the winning isn’t over.

“Legally exiting the EU is just the first big toy thrown out of the pram. Now we’ve got a frenzied few months re-negotiating our relationship with the largest free market on Earth. Our accents alone will make them quail. And if not we’ll throw all the toys out of the pram and we’ll try and smash theirs to bits purely out of immaturity, entitlement and spite. Then we’ll stamp our feet, jump up and down and threaten to hold our breath till we faint. We’re going to get the exact same benefits of being in the crèche as we do outside it. You’ll see.”

Johnson’s majority will definitely be sufficient to see him through all that. Not a chance in hell that by the time he’s finished capitulating, backtracking, deceiving and disappointing the zealous little monkeys he’s enabled to become PM in his party will be pulling his hair and biting his back.

We’re now a Toddlerocracy and like all spoiled brats we expect screaming will continually do away with consequence and we’ll end up with a pat on the back. And a chocolate and see someone else cop it for our poor behaviour.

Remember, Brexit, it’s not our fault. It’s the bigger boy what done it.

BUT WHAT DOES IT DO : THE GOVERNMENT IS UNDER SEIGE TODAY after pushback from the Fritling-on-Lost-Rites Potato Growers Association.

The reason for the push and the back is the expected requisitioning of potatoes once Brexit occurs.

“They want to replace the burgundy British passports, which give you consular protection anywhere in the world with every EU state mission, with potatoes,” Mr Chippy, head of media for FLRPG, told LCD Views, “it’s not on. What will we say to our traditional customers? Sorry, you can’t have any crisps because the Home Office took all our spuds to use as passports?”

But supporters of the decision to replace the current passports, which come with Freedom of Movement contingent on EU membership, and thus allow you medical care (no need for travel insurance or big bills) anywhere in dozens of countries on our doorstep have dismissed Mr Chippy.

“It’s hardly a pan fire,” a Downing Street source said, “millionaires will still have EU27 passports thanks to the money they inherited at birth. The plebs will have potatoes and be back in their rightful place in the pecking order. The government should be applauded.”

Mr Chippy was not convinced.

“We’re supposed to genetically modify our spuds to be red, white and blue in colour? Buggered if I know if that’s supposed to be the colours of the Russian flag or the French? Or the US? Baffling. We don’t have the time to do that, this year’s crop is ready to go in the ground.”

Downing Street wasn’t having it though.

“The FLRPG has had nearly four years to prepare for the opportunities created by Brexit. If they haven’t genetically modified their potatoes for use as passports by now it’s their fault. And think of the win for the exchequer? Each potato passport will cost £350 to renew. How long does a potato last for? It’s genius.”

The opportunities and benefits of Brexit appear endless, at least if you were born with an inheritance.

SCANDALOUS : Famous fisherman’s friend Nigel Farage has confirmed he is to launch a new EU focused, limited political company called ‘Rejoin’ the minute the UK has left the EU.

“The very fact, no, no, let me speak,” Mr Farage said to a silent room of reporters, “the very fact that the UK is leaving the EU on EU time and not, and I want to make this absolutely clear, not on GMT just shows how bungled Brexit is. Heaven help the British fishing industry when the Eurocrats get to do exactly what they want with proper, British water and British fish and we have no elected representatives at the table! It just shows that the current government is not committed to Brexit in any serious form at all.”

It’s believed a key plank of key plank Farage’s argument for immediately rejoining the EU is that whatever Brexit is delivered by Mr Johnson will not be a ‘proper Brexit’.

“Who will be the boss?” Mr Farage wanted to know, “a proper Brexit would see the EU begging at the British table. But no. No. We will lose all say on matters as wide ranging as fish to the flammability of flags. Will the UK’s currency be in roubles or dollars? Chinese yuan or a mixture of all? Will pound sterling still be legal tender for a halibut or a sole in Dover? A proper Brexit would have answered these questions before departure.”

Rejoining the EU to do Brexit again, but properly this time, will of course allow Mr Farage to both stay on his favoured gravy train and keep his permanent seat on BBC Question Time.

And Mr Farage has received support from surprising quarters in the governing Conservative Party.

“Once we’ve walked out the door they’ll see what they’re missing,” Tory powerbroker David Davis commented, before belching, ordering drinks for everyone, walking into a door, tying his shoelaces together, staring at a pair of tits chirping in a shrug outside, and finally recovering his famous reality free bonhomie, “rejoining the EU, solely in order to Brexit again, but to Brexit it correctly, that deal, it will be the easiest deal in history. The EU will be eating out of our hands. Which will possibly be more than any of us will be doing.”

SHOVED IN A HESSIAN SACK AND THROWN INTO THE THAMES : Felted Prime Minister Boris Johnson has sent a strongly worded warning to his cabinet as he fumbles out blithely expecting others to come up with solutions to problems he’s created.

“It’s so hard to get good staff these days,” a Downing Street source, close to Mr Johnson, told LCD Views, “have you had a look at the chaff Mr Johnson has had to fill his cabinet with? I mean, are these really the brightest and the best the UK has to offer? Don’t answer that.”

It’s not. It appears to be the least principled and most desperate for advancement.

The most untroubled by electoral lawbreaking and how it’s been used to further Brexit.

Also the most unruffled by foreign interference by Russian and US billionaires into UK democratic processes.

Additionally, the ones who sleep best at night wilfully ignorant of the real harm they are doing to the lives and livelihoods of millions of voters that the MPs’ code of conduct directs them to safeguard.

Not to mention the encouragement given to the worst elements of British society. The racists. The far right. It’s as if the tragic murder of Jo Cox did not make a dent and never happened.

It makes you wonder, when was the breaking point of British democracy? Was it the advent of social media and how the unscrupulous, if rich enough, can use it for mass, micro-targeted manipulation? Or was it allowing an advisory referendum result, proven in court to have been so corrupt it would have been declared void if legally binding, was it allowing that to become justification for a complete redo of the country? As if crime does pay, so long as it’s political in nature?

So I would say, no, it’s the best the UK has to offer. Brexit was, is and will remain a crime scene and the UK will recover or suffer dependent on what the political class, and the voters, do about it.

“I told you not to answer that.”

Sorry.

The Darwin Awards are always funny to read about, how some idiot leaned over the edge of a cliff to take a selfie and fell to their doom, or forgot to put the safety catch on while cleaning their gun and shot themselves in the head. But this year’s ceremony will feature something a little different.

This year an award will be presented to an entire country. Specifically the UK will be receiving a Darwin Award for Brexit.

Awards chairman Stu Pidkunz had this to say on the matter:

“We couldn’t overlook the stupidity of an entire nation democratically voting to deprive itself of all its human rights for possibly generations to come. We thought about making 17.4 million individual awards but that wouldn’t work as voting is anonymous and many of the people who voted for Brexit have since died – in some cases as a consequence of their vote already, so those ones should really get special mentions.”

Brexit certainly meets the criteria for the Darwin Awards, namely:

1. It was self-inflicted.
2. It showed astonishingly stupid judgement.
3. The population were capable of sound judgement but still went for it.

The only question mark against the award is the injury of innocent bystanders, as many people voted against Brexit or abstained, and they are going to suffer through no fault of their own. However, the scale of cock-up involved here has persuaded the awards committee to make an exception.

The presentation of an award to an entire country is not without precedent, the island of Malta was awarded the George Cross in 1942 but of course that was for bravery in the face of the Nazis, and not mass stupidity.

The Darwin Awards Committee had been considering giving the entire United States of America an award in 2017 after the inauguration of Donald Trump, but decided against it on the grounds that it was possible to recover from that brief bout of insanity.

We can only hope the UK recovers its own sanity soon enough to have the award annulled.

EU DOESN’T STAND A CHANCE : The United Kingdom’s Spaffenfuhrer Boris Johnson is stopping at nothing to let all corners of the global world know that Global Britain (hashtag) is a force to be reckoned with.

“Not content with projecting the clock face of Big Ben onto 10 Downing Street for US Dependence Day, 31st January 2020, Mr Johnson has now ordered a robust and easily remembered slogan projected onto a famous, EU facing, English landmark,” a Downing Street ‘source’ revealed.

Accordingly “We R a serious country 4 serious people” will be spaffed all up [and over] the White Cliffs of Dover, bluebirds not withstanding, just as soon as the public has raised the funds for it.

“This will show Brussels that they’re in for a rough ride in the coming trade negotiations against the people this year,” the source added, “they need to know now that it’s pointless turning up to negotiations with telephone books worth of detail and preparation and legalistic mumbo-jumbo. We’ve got our cliffs. We’ve got our slogan. We’re ready to go. What have they got?”

And once the Dover slogan has had time to embed itself in the EU’s consciousness there will be more.

“We’re going to crowd fund for further slogans. But these will be individually tailored to divide and conquer the EU27. We’ll insult the Germans in French in Germany. We’ll insult the Italians in Spanish in Italy. And so on. They’ll be at each other’s throats and we’ll be sitting smug, telling them exactly how it’s going to be.”

But critics of the policy have warned of the needless expense of dreaming up individual slogans for each country.

“All they really need to know is that the UK is now a local country for local people and everyone else should just stay away,” one said.

Given that the UK’s political class has spent the last week arguing over what to do with a large bell, it’s fair to say, everyone already knows what they’re dealing with as Mr Johnson leads the UK his own way.

Let me tell you a story about a little Tory. A diminutive man, with a great big plan.

The little Tory was called Mark. He lived a happy, carefree life. He was part of a gang of bigger boys, who looked after little Mark like he was their baby brother.

One day, the big boys decided that they wanted to be the only gang in town. They picked fights with all the other gangs, relying on the fact that their opponents were happier fighting amongst themselves than against Mark’s gang, who fought dirty and had the best slogans.

Little Mark was overjoyed to be part of such a cool crowd. He wasn’t much of a fighter but he did turn out to be an excellent cheerleader. Indeed he rose to the position of gang mascot. He found himself much in demand to tell stories of his gang’s fights and wins.

Little Mark loved his new role. He greatly enjoyed telling his stories. As time went by, his stories became more and more elaborate. It didn’t matter that most of his stories were made up. He was living the fairy tale.

Finally, unbelievably, his gang did indeed become the biggest gang in town. They ran the town, and if anyone complained, well they only had themselves to blame.

Little Mark’s big plan was to celebrate victory by sounding the biggest bell in town. But how was he to do it? A local fairy godmother gave him some sage advice:

“Climb the tower on the stroke of eleven,

Take a breath in sight of Heaven.

Take a run up, do it well

And bash your head against the bell.”

So little Mark did as he was instructed. At eleven o’clock he climbed the tower, pausing only to take in the celestial singing and watch the fairies and the unicorns fluttering about. He took aim, and sprinted headlong at the bell…

There was a dull clang, and little Mark fell, unconscious, to the foot of the tower.

He was found by two passers by. “Should we call an ambulance?” asked one.

“No, we can’t afford one,” replied the other. “Who is this chap anyway?”

“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.”