Category: Brexit

THE SUN NEVER SETS : BRITISH PM BORIS JOHNSON HAS RATTLED THE CAGE OF THE EUROCRATS TODAY as negotiations over a future relationship between the UK and the EU resumed.

“The EU always caves at the last moment to a power slogan,” a Downing Street insider said, “just ask that famous academic of EU operations, David Davis. We all remember his star turn as Brexit negotiator. So successful he had to resign over the deal he himself negotiated, in order to spend time rewriting his personal history. Or if you really are in the mood for a good lobotomy, Owen Patterson. There’s a link to a Katya Adler podcast featuring them both below. The heights of blithe, entitled idiocy those two great British statesmen have achieved is a complete neural toxin.”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000jmmc

And it is a well trodden path in British EU lore that the world’s largest trade power bloc always caves at the last moment.

“It’s not because they’re mature and grown up and believe at the end of the day working across borders is preferable to stubborn isolationism founded on a complete misunderstanding of the modern world. No, they leave that to the Brexiters.”

But one thing is more certain than what deal, or no deal, will be achieved by the ongoing negotiations, and that’s that Mr Johnson will spend most of the remaining time asleep. Waking up now and then to do some talking in case anyone is watching.

“No deal is better than a bad deal”, that classic of Theresa May’s time ruining the country’s reputation internationally by attrition, to add to her racially focused immigration policies (what a legacy), is also likely to get trotted out as the deadline to negotiations, self imposed by the UK, looms.

But surely the unfolding disaster of Covid-19 could see one of the most famous, “the sick man of Europe”, reapplied to the UK?

“Highly likely,” our Downing Street source agreed, “but it’s going to get a new twist, as the damage of Boris Johnson’s premiership rains down at home. Before long everyone will be calling him the thick man of Europe. Something he can properly own, without trying harder than he currently is.”

SOWING AND WEEPING : Great news for hungry patriots with the announcement that hundreds of Romanians have begged to work in English fields this year.

“The 450 eager chaps from the East of the continent will more than make up for the estimated 40,000 – 70,000 missing British workers,” Mr Dissin Formation, newly created Minister for Desperation, told LCD Views, “swarthy chaps who work like the devil. This leaves the Brexit supporting patriots free to manage their hate and ignorance online. And most importantly, with clean finger nails.”

But not everyone is pleased that it won’t be British knees bending in toil across the parched, plague ridden lands of the world’s second best Idiocracy.

“Why aren’t all the people with pro-Brexit social media accounts not pushing for the young and unemployed to do the work? Where is the people’s army? What has BeCoMe oF bLiGhTy?!!” Mr G. AmMoN fumed on Facebook.

And it must be said that he was right to question the lack of nationalist fervour to do backbreaking work day in and out for long hours and low pay across the green, and once pleasant land.

“We will be launching an inquiry into why millions of pro-Brexit social media bot accounts failed to rally when the trumpet sounded. No expense will be spared! Root and branch reform is needed most likely. An end to education in state schools and a return to the proper pastoral life for those who choose to be born poor, maybe the only way to stop foreigners ensuring we eat the food we grow ourselves?”

We will save you the time and energy of you like. It’s because most of the pro-Brexit presence online is bot accounts. The people voted to Brexit? Only just. In a criminally corruption opinion poll that looks even dafter with rotting crops in a time of global crisis. Empire 2.0.

Don’t panic: The covid-19 outbreak has led to an outbreak of common sense. The cabinet is united, and wants to cancel Brexit immediately.

Pandemic panic aside, why the change of heart? Boris Johnson took to Twitter this morning to explain.

“The evidence of the last few weeks is enough for me,” he wrote. “The public cannot cope with ambiguous and frequently contradictory statements. So I’m really going to be clear now. No. More. Brexit. No more uncertainty. We will apply to rejoin the EU, no hard feelings old chap, and continue as part of a larger, united whole.”

Other cabinet members were equally forthright.

“I must say I’m delighted,” chirped an ecstatic Michael Gove. “It’s the outcome we always desired. We have always believed that we are stronger together. Vive la EU!”

“It’s such a good move for the economy,” claimed Chancellor Rishi Sunak. “We are going to put the entire population on furlough, with full pay, for the rest of the year. Even after the coronavirus issue has passed, this will give us an opportunity to rebuild society and fractured communities. Hurrah!”

“Germany has shown us the way to run a health service,” claimed Matt Hancock soberly. “We will absorb these lessons through our EU membership, and in future we promise to fund our precious NHS properly. What price a healthy nation?”

“It’s thoroughly splendid to welcome back free movement,” smirked Priti Patel. “This great country has always attracted the brightest and best from across the globe, the cross fertilisation of ideas and cultures on this beautiful island is what makes us world leaders. Open the borders, welcome people with open arms (once the current restrictions are lifted, ha ha). Open Britain is Global Britain!”

“I will never have to get mixed up over Dover and Calais ever again!” sighed Dominic Raab. “I can let the EU deal with the details and just deal with broad brush stuff myself. Phew!”

Chris Grayling was too busy failing to organise a piss-up in a long-closed brewery to celebrate his birthday to comment.

Happy April 1st everybody!

CAN YOU EAT IT : BRITONS ARE NO SLOUCHES when it comes to keeping themselves informed, as recent voting patterns and election results (criminal interference notwithstanding) have shown.

And today in this green and pleasant, if somewhat flooded land, is no different as analysis of Google search patterns demonstrates.

“People are searching for information about sovereignty,” head nerd at the world famous Institute of British Questions told LCD Views, “not specifically how it functions, how it is gained, harnessed, used, augmented or defended in a globalised world of increasing interconnections, lorded over by tax exile billionaires. Not any of that. Nor how the social media disinformation campaigns, twinned with electoral interference have been used to criminally skew important ballots. Not that either. But something just as important.”

Which is?

“When to start panic buying sovereignty,” the boffin boffinates, “clearly it will be after the panic buying of toilet paper, hand sanitiser and fried chicken. But it won’t be long after.”

This just demonstrates the pragmatic approach of the electorate faced with the task of navigating a difficult terrain potholed with fake news, boosted by sock puppets and bots.

“Exactly.”

So when do we need to start panic buying sovereignty?

“Soon,” the scientist nods, “about the time that we realise that other countries have sovereignty too and that pulling the UK out of all those long established supra-national organisations, formed to make administration of shared, cross border interests more efficient and equitable, is going to lead to other countries saying F U. And which point we will need to return to sacrifice small amounts of our sovereignty in order to just function and survive. That’s when the panic buying begins, at least so far as the politicians are concerned. It’s hoped everyone else will be watching Love Island.”

ARE YOU FEELING FROSTY : The report of what private citizen, David Frost, had for Brexit in Brussels, before getting to grips with old Barnier, have sent tremors through British society.

“The Telegraph sure flushed the ‘talking Britain down’ brigade out of the woodwork,” an aide working for the UK’s vanishing act prime minister, Mr Johnson, told LCD Views, “only a real British man can eat beans, eggs and sausages for Brexit. You won’t see the continentals do it. They’ve not the stomach for it.”

While no one is certain what Barnier had for breakfast, largely because the European press isn’t stupid enough to report on it as important, you can almost guarantee it wasn’t a full English.

Traitors might speculate he’ll declare he’s had that once he’s finished negotiating on behalf of half a billion people with an increasingly shambolic Johnson administration being run out of a fridge.

“Later this will The Telegraph will be publishing a list of unpatriotic breakfasts so all Brits can get behind the democratically unaccountable chin of Boris who’s been given the task of deciding everyone’s fate.”

You can be damn sure croissants will be high on the list.

“Basically it’ll be anything not containing a sausage. Eat that pork intestine wrapped feast and fell British!”

Some would say that by getting jingoistic over a breakfast of beans, sausages and eggs that The Telegraph has just made the UK seem that little bit smaller. In fact, that they couldn’t make the country appear smaller in the eyes of the world if they tried. But those people clearly aren’t patriots and probably had a fucking pain au chocolat for breakfast. That’ll never make a success of Brexit!

PART TIME PRIME MINISTER : Boris Johnson has issued a stiff warning today to the flaccid nobodies ruling Brussels over their plans to talk so endlessly he risks dying of boredom.

“There’s no time to lose,” a Downing Street source said, fleshing out the PM’s emperor’s new clothes approach, “there’s Easter holidays in a few weeks. The EU need to know they need to cave fast or face the consequences. Our new mega slogan, ‘Walk from Talks’ should hit them square in the short and curlies. They’ll see sense.”

Whether an additional slogan for the negotiations with the nerds in Brussels will be required to see out 2020 will be addressed mid-year.

“Basically if the EU hasn’t realised it will have a significant dry cleaning bill at the end of the year, if it fails to take the dark money setting the UK’s agenda of self harm seriously, then we may need a second slogan. We’ll assess this when the cliff edge is nearer.”

Some have suggested though that attempting to arrange the negotiations over the UK’s post Brexit relationship with the EU around Mr Johnson’s holiday schedule may cause some blowback.

“That’s because they can’t get their wooden heads around the reality of Brexit,” the source shrugged, “it’s a fascist leaning, dark money fuelled, feudalism fetishising project. It’s not the work of a responsible industrialised country governed by a sober representative democracy. Once they finally get it through their thick heads we mean business, we are prepared to starve our own population into submission, then maybe we’ll make progress. If they give us what we want the British people won’t suffer, too much, if they don’t? Well, we all know whose fault it is.”

We may have a part time prime minister, but the agenda is entirely sinister. Where will you be taking your summer holiday?

There still aren’t any certified Brexit benefits. So there is no list. Thank you for your attention.

OPERATOR HOW MAY I CONNECT YOUR CALL : THE UNITED KINGDOM has got Brexit done, apparently, without even getting it done and while still in the EU, virtue of the transition.

All that is needed now is for government, tasked with the important mission to protect the citizens of the country, deciding to do the opposite, end frictionless trade with the European Union countries, and throw millions of lives into hardship and turmoil. Just like that. As easy as having your head turned by a combination of Russian and US billionaire cash, and the associated neoliberal and libertarian ideologies.

“The country is ready,” a Michael Gove, as real as any other Gove you’ll see on your screens or in print, told LCD Views, “ready to lose frictionless trade with the EU. We’ve arrived at this readiness by installing extra lines for the emergency services. They’ll be ready to use by the 1st of January 2021. Or later, if we extend the transition. But they’ll definitely be ready and so will we.”

But why the need for extra lines to 999 if the country is ready?

“You saw what happened when KFC ran out of chicken a while back?”

Yes. People actually phoned the police like it was an emergency.

“And it will be an emergency. KFC may be one of the few outlets still serving, and I use this word advisedly, fresh food after we finish getting Brexit done. Any disruption in the supply of chicken parts will cause widespread panic. Motor parts are a lesser priority.”

Surely then you should be focused on ensuring the supply of chicken to KFC is robust, rather than mucking about negotiating with the EU?

“Well, it is hoped that simply by sacrificing our farming sector on the altar of big US corporate farm culture we can be certain there will be enough, and I use this word advisedly, chicken for everyone, even the vegetarians. They will have little choice but to consume meat after Brexit, as most of our fresh fruit and veg is grown by the Dutch. And what’s even better is that you will be confident the chicken that you will be eating, will have an extra secret herb and spice, after Brexit.”

Chlorine?

“The very same. So clean you could swim in the frying vats and lounge in the ovens after cooking it. Which, funnily enough, will be a lot like it feels to have done Brexit.”

TANGIBLE BENEFITS OF BREXIT : NEWLY ELECTED TORY MP for Brexit-on-Err, Toby Smythe-Willing-Crumpet-Holmes-Spruce, has hit out at the EU27 for their “clear and obvious meanness” and “lack of appreciation of what the UK has done for them”.

Speaking in a barely legible facsimile of pig Latin hybridised English, the Little England MP laid into what he sees as the apparent “embarrassment of Emperor Merkel” and her “sidekick in France”. At least that’s what Google translate says.

But it wasn’t just the usual suspects that the pro-Brexit member of parliament went after. Other nation states were also used to display his standard Brexiter grasp of history and modern tensions.

“The Spanish also should be put on notice” for what he perceives as a reluctance to acknowledge how clean Brits have kept the Rock since “the Hapsburg Empire abandoned it in the face of English military might”, claiming it “was in a barely habitable state consisting mostly of run down and neglected rice paddies on hill sides and empty tavernas by the sea”.

“Not to mention the recent boost to the financial districts of Frankfurt and its sister city Dublinfurt thanks to the expansion of the sectors there made possible by the obvious commercial incentives [of Brexit].”

But the red faced MP, bulging abdomen visible through a burst button on his powder pink office shirt, has a way for the EU27 to show their due appreciation.

“They can put it in the declaration when they concede to Mr Johnson’s demands for tariff free access to the German car market and French Prosecco sector,” the MP said, “a simple statement acknowledging what Brexit, and specifically English nationalists, have done to quell similar separatist movements within the EU27 would suffice. Junker should thank Boris personally.”

And people say Brexiters are crazy.

THOSE WHO FAIL TO PREPARE PREPARE TO…: The script is going to change in the Brexit debates, now that the UK’s star has finally been scraped off the flag of Europe by the busy hands of nostalgia freaks and kleptocrats.

Over now are the debates about just in time supply chains, Boris doesn’t need those (or respect the jobs of people involved in them), whether or not the EU can measure the curvature of a British banana (they can’t, we’ve taken back control of tropical fruits), or whether or not it’s democratic to use a cooked and crooked advisory referendum as a political mandate. It shouldn’t be, but thanks to FPTP and a curious alignment of Brexiters and Lexiters in positions of power, it has been.

Now the debate will focus on why life as we know it in Blighty has neither become an instant nirvana nor the entire show collapsed into the sea like a Yorkshire cliff.

“That’s because we’re in the transition,” our resident Brexit expert opines, already wearily, “we’ve legally left the EU, but nothing changes until the start of next year. It’s to give people and businesses the time they need to leave the UK before Brexit happens on the ground. Judging by some of the comments by Brexiters, laughing like drains over the failure of project fear to materialise, you’re going to spend a lot of time this year explaining this fundamental, obvious and easily accessible point of fact. Get over it.”

A battle was lost for want of a nail…

“A democracy was lost for want of enough people spending thirty seconds on Google finding out facts. Get over it. It was never about facts, it was about leveraging a wedge of the electorate’s uncertainty at a changing world to validate returning the UK to a feudal state.”

We’re in transition now, but transition to what?

“Hopefully a time when a debate can be won or lost on the participant’s grasp of the facts.”

That doesn’t sound very Brexit to me. Let’s do that.