Category: Brexit

MEET ME AT MY CLUB : DOWNING STREET IS reportedly FURIOUS with THE EU today after the UK’s latest wizard wheeze to break the negotiation deadlock was rebuffed by Barnier.

“If Barnier doesn’t sort his ideas out we’ll have to send in Raab,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “nothing is getting through to him. It’s not even clear he understands English as well as we do.”

It seems the brains at 10 Downing Street have tried all the usual strategies to broker a deal.

“We’ve offered him lands and titles in Kent,” the source shrugs, “a meeting with the Queen, offered repeatedly to take him out to private dinners at clubs that offer more than just food, if you know what I mean. He hasn’t gone after any of it. We’re beginning to think he’s too bloody square to do a deal.”

But with all the usual Tory strategies played out, it’s not clear where we go from here.

“Food, water and energy rationing is where we go. Or some bloody humbling U turn that will be presented to the British public as a victory. I guess that’s possible. EU CRACKS AND AGREES TO SELL UK ENOUGH FOOD TO EAT FOR ANOTHER MONTH. That’ll sell.”

It’s believed that the plucky UK, which holds all the cards, will have another go at Barnier this week.

“We’ll attempt to get him to Lady Tza Tza’s this week for some Johnny Walker Black Label and a bit of fun. We only need a handshake deal anyway. Nothing we write on paper is worth the paper it’s written on. Any fool can see that. Oh, and we’ll remind him if he doesn’t play ball this time we’ll get out the kompromat. If he has any. Presumably the EU didn’t think of that when they selected him to negotiate with such clearly upright chaps as ourselves.”

Good luck with that. Perhaps you should get David Davis to call up the German car makers and tell them to get a wriggle on?

SAVING THE UNION : DETRACTORS HAVE BEEN CLAIMING FOR YEARS that the job of lead Brexit negotiator for the UK with the EU is a purely ceremonial position.

“It’s not a surprising accusation,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “when you consider the rogues gallery of baffling incompetence to hold the position.”

David Davis, one of the intellectual giants of global trade, was the first to fill his boots as UK negotiator. Followed by someone and someone else. All entirely forgettable in terms of their achievements.

“Frost has been softening Barnier up for Grayling,” the source continues, “it’s been a very clever strategy. Now that old Barnier is so confused by the UK position he doesn’t know what’s coming at him we’re sending in the UK government power animal.”

It’s expected that Grayling will hold talks with Barnier this week and achieve all Boris Johnson’s aims.

“There’s not a day goes by where Boris Johnson, the talisman of Brexit, doesn’t wish he had sent in the other column to the Telegraph. Both David Cameron and Theresa May showed themselves smarter than Johnson. They both avoided being the last prime minister of the United Kingdom, and the first Prime Minister of just England. Johnson has to bring a big gun to bear if he wants to avoid a No Deal Brexit and the unenviable title of the man who broke the UK.”

But of course Mr Johnson will need someone to carry the can, and that’s where Grayling steps up to the plate.

“Grayling is proper packhorse. He has so many spectacular policy implementation failures to his credit. To add failing to negotiate an actual Brexit, and instead save Johnson’s goat by accidentally signing the UK up to Hard Remain will be the crowning glory on a stellar career.”

And the timing couldn’t be more perfect as the transition period rushes to a finish and the Euro is set to replace the US Dollar as the global reserve currency.

“The Bank of England has already moved billions into the Euro, so don’t worry about paying for Covid-19, we’ve got it covered.”

tAke BaCk CoNtRoL : The minor European power of Germany looks set for a swift kick up the arse today after regional bureaucrat Angela Merkel displayed a total ignorance of the power of Global Britain.

It seems Ms Merkel, in theory an experienced governor and international relations expert, has overplayed her already weak hand and struck discussion of Brexit off the to do list for a regional summit.

“Mr Johnson is going to have to take personal charge of Ms Merkel’s dereliction of duty,” one Tory MP told LCD Views, “he will summon her to his office and watch as Cummings sorts her out in his own way. You see. They’ll only be discussing Brexit at their little red tape gala.”

The move to intervene at the start of the crisis displays a flexibility in approach to government by Mr Johnson, it will surprise some, but not avid fans.

“Normally he waits until the bin fire is raging before strolling over with a half drunk cup of water to extinguish the blaze,” the MP noted, “this time he’s got a can of gasoline and he’s involved right at the get go. He had to clear a weekend break in Tuscany out of his diary for this. Impressive leadership.”

But what if Ms Merkel doesn’t see sense and bow to Mr Johnson, and the UK’s reinvigorated global might?

“Well the next move is obvious,” the MP shrugged, “David Davis will be on the blower to the German automotive sector and then Merkel will really be in for it!”

MAKING THE RUNNING : WORLD RENOWNED PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson has hit back today over criticisms about his style of pandemic governance.

“Some willywobblers have been unfairly complaining that I am not leading in the fight against Covid-19, but rather waiting for the Scots to make a move and then following,” Mr Johnson told the country, via a video link set up in a tent on a movie set.

“This is not the case! Take back control from Sturgeon my backbenchers cry? I…I…I…I do not, I say I DO NOT sit idly waiting for the results of our private polling, and how seemingly killing the vulnerable is hitting my numbers, and then glance over to see what Sturgeon is doing. This is not the case. Mostly I am drinking. Just look at my record. How many buses I have made from empty wine crates? Like Agamemnon launching a thousand shits I will row, row, row my boat forcibly up Covid’s streams!”

But in spite of the firm denial from the placeman in No 10, the pattern is now firmly established.

Our internal expert says – “Basically it’s a calculation of how many votes will be lost if X number of voters die + how rich Tory party donors can get off the back of Covid-19 before a tightening of policy. That’s how it seems. So once the polling shows a significant drop in support it’s a decision of either extending the eat out to help out food+porn initiative, or actually putting in place guidance to prevent preventable deaths? With a side calculation of how much political gain Sunak is experiencing by fiscal bungs to the populace, versus Mr Johnson’s own all important centralising of political power? Managing a pandemic is incredibly complex. It’s not just a case of doing the bleedingly obvious to avoid a cold virus spreading.”

At least that’s clear now. And Mr Johnson had a final stinging retort for his critics.

“Even if, and I say this with my fists clenched for BATTLE! EVEN IF, even so, even if like the Minotaur faced with a man armed with a ball of wool and a stick I may appear to be following Nicola Sturgeon’s lead on Covid-19, after so many entirely sensible U-turns, there is one area where I am well ahead of the Scottish problem. I am by far making all the running in breaking up the United Kingdom! Huzzah!”

GETTING SMALLER ALL THE TIME : THE CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY, AKA BREXIT PARTY, has hailed the success of its latest algorithm.

The algorithm concerned has been in operation since 2015 (although some point to analogue versions that have been used since the 1970’s) and has successfully downgraded the United Kingdom to England.

“It will take time for the full impact of the regrading to be obvious,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but Prime Minister Cummings is exceptionally pleased with the results.”

It’s not the first time such an algorithm has been used to successfully downgrade a functioning parliamentary democracy, governing a multitude of various regions, into just one.

“But it’s one of the most obvious.”

And now the algorithm has been used to shed the United Kingdom of the parts not given to English nationalism it has been turned inward to make further changes.

“Big Ben is being replaced by an hourglass, which some critics have labelled a job creation scheme, as someone has to turn it every hour. But we think the feeling of pride to be gained in the job is worth it. Especially as an aide to Liz Truss sells hour glasses by the batch for only £252m.”

But as part of the Cummings/Johnson administrations commitment to levelling up the country, the North will see changes too.

“The Angel of the North is going to be replaced by a Wicker Man. This will ensure summer harvest is always celebrated in the traditional way. Whoever fails the patriot score the heaviest, after algorithm regrading, will be placed inside. It’ll be a reviving of a classic festival in which the entire country can come together and warm the cockles of their hearts.”

Still, there’s always a critic, with some pointing out that the UK has been Little Britain since the 23/06/16 and there’s little real point in a further downgrading.

“I think the whole world now sees us for who we have become,” one said, “this continual regrading is just a PR exercise to make it look like the government is doing something.”

UKIP MPS RULZ : MPS OF THE (FORMERLY) CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY have called for the Brexit Withdrawal Agreement, negotiated with the EU last year, to be torn up. It is missing a vital ingredient.

“Where Global Britain,” a ham faced pork knuckle, somehow elected to the Mother of Parliaments, told LCD Views, “and wee one the war. Any international treatie negotiated from here on must contain a reference to past conflicts inn it’s title.”

The demand is not surprising, as shifting goal posts mid game is the MO of Brexiters.

“They have to acknowledge our status as sovereign equals,” another MP told LCD Views, while bashing his head into a jar of pickles. “The whole point of leaving the EU was to take back control and hand it from Brussels to Moscow, Washington, Beijing. Actually a very internationalist spread of capital cities. Global Britain – now everyone’s whipping boy. Some of us will get very rich.”

Whether or not the EU will agree to reopen a legally binding, international agreement, that Mr Johnson and his chums presented as a resounding success, this isn’t clear.

“They may give the UK a math lesson. Which is greater? 1 or 27?” a quiet voice at the back said.

“Once they see we hold all the cards they’ll cave to the demands of the German automotive sector and give us what we want,” someone else said, presumably David Davis, en route to be upcycled as a plank of chipboard.

But what is this missing ingredient?

“The agreement essentially just has to be retitled and any legally binding obligations on the UK government removed, because we are pretty useless at sticking to them.”

Retitled to what?

“Two World Wars and One World Cup, of course. We’re Global Britain. Get over it.”

HE’S A FIRESTARTER : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON NEVER SEEMS TO TAKE A YEAR OFF and his restless attitude to government is no more obvious than in his visionary policy proposals for big infrastructure.

His latest proposal will do nothing to diminish his reputation for grand designs, regardless of what is missing in the detail.

“He’ll light the fuse himself,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “or maybe put it out to tender. People can bid to do it. Then we can award the contract to blow up London Bridge to a party donor.”

Bid to do what exactly? Come again?

“Blow up London Bridge of course,” the source replied, “then we can rebuild it. Bigger. Better. And with less red tape. Right now you can hardly move across the bloody structure for all the overweening EU red tape about what parts of the bridge are pedestrian, which are for motorised traffic. How strong the foundations need to be. Whether it should be able to stand up in a tidal river or not. Ghastly. Costs us millions per week that could be better spent on peerages.”

But the current London Bridge was built before the U.K. joined the common market.

“See! Just proves how many and busy are the EU’s tentacles.”

So the plan to blow up and rebuild the bridge is to show the EU who is boss?

“Oh, they know that already. Some Russian chap. Just became a Lord. No. The plan to demolish the famous bridge comes from Mr Johnson’s hands on approach to fatherhood.“

Fascinating.

“Dom has been singing nursery rhymes to him to help him get to sleep. Also so Boris learns them himself. It’s for a photo shoot that will appear in the Telegraph on the new national holiday – Boris Day – this will be a celebration focused on fatherhood. Everyone is Boris’s child, or girlfriend, or ex-mistress, or wife, or bro now. The whole country. Perhaps the entire continent.”

And it seems ‘London Bridge is Falling Down’ is a firm favourite.

“It’s an inspirational old song, especially if you’ve friends in the construction industry. Oh, and the cost of the entire project will be self-financing, as we’ll be selling off the rubble as souvenirs. Testaments to Johnson’s premiership.”

He really has thought this through.

“He wants to get Britain building again,” the source confirmed, “which is why he’s so keen on demolishing it.”

DOVER AND OUT: Crime Minister Boris Johnson is very pleased that a huge swathe of classic English countryside is to disappear under concrete. The size, scope and pointlessness of the new lorry park are already being described as being “world beating”.

£705m is being spaffed up the wall on this pollution solution. This unusual amount of money is the equivalent of seven phantom PPE contracts.

Who wins when you pave paradise and put up a parking lot? The unspoken conclusion is that Dominic Cummings must have mates who own a concrete mixer.

Unfortunately for the government, there is only one Labour-held constituency in Kent, Canterbury, and even Dominic Cummings is reluctant to knock down the cathedral. So instead they are using the back yard of disgraced remainer and laptop abuser, Damien Green.

Green is incensed by this development, which was predicted the moment the Brexit vote was won. “Nobody voted for this!” he thundered, while failing to point out that, apparently, everyone knows exactly what they voted for.

The owner of the gorgeous greenfield site selected for development, Ken Tishops, was apoplectic. “I only heard about this today!” he grumbled, gnawing viciously on a stalk of grass. “I’m supposed to turn more than 27 acres of prime hop growing land into a fully fledged lorry park by Friday!”

How are you doing to do that?

“They just said, ‘Get it done’,” he said. “‘Get it done. Then get the hell off the land and do one.'”

Parking lots generally have famous figures buried beneath them. In this instance, it will be the neutral civil servants who have been ‘retired’ for standing up to Cummings.

What plans have been made for supplying diesel, food and drink, and toilet facilities for the stranded drivers?

“Plans? What plans?” despaired Tishops. “They haven’t even specified where the access road will be. It will be a white elephant, useless before it is even opened, and my hop fields will be gone. Somebody is making a packet out of it, you can be sure of that, and it certainly isn’t me!”

Nigel Farage will open the lorry park, waving a Union Jack triumphantly while the last few bits of concrete are poured onto the ground.

Needless destruction, nonexistent planning, money spaffed up the wall. World beating!

THE SUN NEVER SETS : BRITISH PM BORIS JOHNSON HAS RATTLED THE CAGE OF THE EUROCRATS TODAY as negotiations over a future relationship between the UK and the EU resumed.

“The EU always caves at the last moment to a power slogan,” a Downing Street insider said, “just ask that famous academic of EU operations, David Davis. We all remember his star turn as Brexit negotiator. So successful he had to resign over the deal he himself negotiated, in order to spend time rewriting his personal history. Or if you really are in the mood for a good lobotomy, Owen Patterson. There’s a link to a Katya Adler podcast featuring them both below. The heights of blithe, entitled idiocy those two great British statesmen have achieved is a complete neural toxin.”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000jmmc

And it is a well trodden path in British EU lore that the world’s largest trade power bloc always caves at the last moment.

“It’s not because they’re mature and grown up and believe at the end of the day working across borders is preferable to stubborn isolationism founded on a complete misunderstanding of the modern world. No, they leave that to the Brexiters.”

But one thing is more certain than what deal, or no deal, will be achieved by the ongoing negotiations, and that’s that Mr Johnson will spend most of the remaining time asleep. Waking up now and then to do some talking in case anyone is watching.

“No deal is better than a bad deal”, that classic of Theresa May’s time ruining the country’s reputation internationally by attrition, to add to her racially focused immigration policies (what a legacy), is also likely to get trotted out as the deadline to negotiations, self imposed by the UK, looms.

But surely the unfolding disaster of Covid-19 could see one of the most famous, “the sick man of Europe”, reapplied to the UK?

“Highly likely,” our Downing Street source agreed, “but it’s going to get a new twist, as the damage of Boris Johnson’s premiership rains down at home. Before long everyone will be calling him the thick man of Europe. Something he can properly own, without trying harder than he currently is.”

SOWING AND WEEPING : Great news for hungry patriots with the announcement that hundreds of Romanians have begged to work in English fields this year.

“The 450 eager chaps from the East of the continent will more than make up for the estimated 40,000 – 70,000 missing British workers,” Mr Dissin Formation, newly created Minister for Desperation, told LCD Views, “swarthy chaps who work like the devil. This leaves the Brexit supporting patriots free to manage their hate and ignorance online. And most importantly, with clean finger nails.”

But not everyone is pleased that it won’t be British knees bending in toil across the parched, plague ridden lands of the world’s second best Idiocracy.

“Why aren’t all the people with pro-Brexit social media accounts not pushing for the young and unemployed to do the work? Where is the people’s army? What has BeCoMe oF bLiGhTy?!!” Mr G. AmMoN fumed on Facebook.

And it must be said that he was right to question the lack of nationalist fervour to do backbreaking work day in and out for long hours and low pay across the green, and once pleasant land.

“We will be launching an inquiry into why millions of pro-Brexit social media bot accounts failed to rally when the trumpet sounded. No expense will be spared! Root and branch reform is needed most likely. An end to education in state schools and a return to the proper pastoral life for those who choose to be born poor, maybe the only way to stop foreigners ensuring we eat the food we grow ourselves?”

We will save you the time and energy of you like. It’s because most of the pro-Brexit presence online is bot accounts. The people voted to Brexit? Only just. In a criminally corruption opinion poll that looks even dafter with rotting crops in a time of global crisis. Empire 2.0.