Category: Brexit

OVEN READY TOILET : THE UK is said to be in a state of severe shock today after the discovery that bears shit in the woods.

The alarming new information began to trickle out across social media platforms last night as first the FT, and then other outlets, raised the alarm.

“I built a special lean to with a bear toilet in it,” George Eustice, Environment Secretary, told LCD Views, “it has specially oversized toilet paper, one of those little 70’s carpet type things around the bowl and everything. Why would a bear not use it?”

The Right Hon George wasn’t the only one in shock. At the time of going to print medics were considering whether or not to place the entirety of the UK in a controlled coma.

The bear who is said to have been observed shitting in the woods and causing the alarm has been described by witnesses as :

• Mid-50’s
• Dyed, generally unruly blonde hair
• Shabby of coat with a preference for anthropomorphising itself by dressing up in ill fitting human clothes – essentially appears to be an old fashioned circus animal, which has escaped.
• Prolific breeder

“Maybe the clue is in the outfits?” David Davis, keen observer of bear shit, told LCD Views, “I mean I know I’m famously thick as mince, but you don’t expect to teach a bear to wear man clothes and then find it shitting in the woods?”

Specialists will be consulted to attempt to explain the phenomenon in due course, but the rule of thumb appears to be ‘If his lips are moving, he’s lying”.

QUEUE FOR BRITAIN : The U.K. government is hoping one of its tastiest screw ups (just this week) will go unnoticed, concealed under a groaning table spread with freshly killed dead cats.

“It’s just a question of world class timing,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “the deadline has passed, but it was a ramped up EU deadline, so it doesn’t matter. The German carmakers will sort it out. We’re Global Britain.”

The deadline itself, regardless of the relevance Downing Street accords it, concerns food labelling for 2021 and the export of food between Britain and Northern Ireland.

“You’re really boring me with the details,” the Downing Street source sighed, “we don’t do detail. Algorithms do detail. We are the great men of history. We bring in the sweeping changes. If a few people have to queue for some bread for a few months, what of it?”

But people aren’t used to food shortages in the UK, not since the war and the end of rationing in the 1950’s.

“Well if food rationing was good enough for the generation that survived the Blitz it will be good enough for patriots today.”

Maybe not. Especially not in Northern Ireland. This is where the labelling issue has the potential to really hit. And you’ve created enough problems for them with Brexit as it is.

“It’s a province. It’s a provincial problem. We are the great men of history bringing in sweeping changes.”

You really believe that?

“We’re world class.”

Idiots?

“Remoaner.”

I was asking a question, not making a statement.

“Oh, sorry. I thought we’d reached the stage of a Brexit discussion where the pro-Brexit interlocutor, unable to support assertions, moves to insults.”

But why miss this deadline? Why give industry another headache and put more cost on the voters?

“We are the great men of history, we are”

Cut the crap. Why did you miss the deadline? I’ll give you this toy Spitfire if you answer?

“Oooo! Give me! Give me!”

Answer first.

“We missed the deadline because we couldn’t make up our minds over which outdated font to use to spell the world ration.”

Thank you. Here you are.

(aeroplane noises and simulated sounds of machine gun fire)

“We’re Global Britain! We’re world class!”

Idiots. And this time it is a statement and not a question.

MEET ME AT MY CLUB : DOWNING STREET IS reportedly FURIOUS with THE EU today after the UK’s latest wizard wheeze to break the negotiation deadlock was rebuffed by Barnier.

“If Barnier doesn’t sort his ideas out we’ll have to send in Raab,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “nothing is getting through to him. It’s not even clear he understands English as well as we do.”

It seems the brains at 10 Downing Street have tried all the usual strategies to broker a deal.

“We’ve offered him lands and titles in Kent,” the source shrugs, “a meeting with the Queen, offered repeatedly to take him out to private dinners at clubs that offer more than just food, if you know what I mean. He hasn’t gone after any of it. We’re beginning to think he’s too bloody square to do a deal.”

But with all the usual Tory strategies played out, it’s not clear where we go from here.

“Food, water and energy rationing is where we go. Or some bloody humbling U turn that will be presented to the British public as a victory. I guess that’s possible. EU CRACKS AND AGREES TO SELL UK ENOUGH FOOD TO EAT FOR ANOTHER MONTH. That’ll sell.”

It’s believed that the plucky UK, which holds all the cards, will have another go at Barnier this week.

“We’ll attempt to get him to Lady Tza Tza’s this week for some Johnny Walker Black Label and a bit of fun. We only need a handshake deal anyway. Nothing we write on paper is worth the paper it’s written on. Any fool can see that. Oh, and we’ll remind him if he doesn’t play ball this time we’ll get out the kompromat. If he has any. Presumably the EU didn’t think of that when they selected him to negotiate with such clearly upright chaps as ourselves.”

Good luck with that. Perhaps you should get David Davis to call up the German car makers and tell them to get a wriggle on?

SAVING THE UNION : DETRACTORS HAVE BEEN CLAIMING FOR YEARS that the job of lead Brexit negotiator for the UK with the EU is a purely ceremonial position.

“It’s not a surprising accusation,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “when you consider the rogues gallery of baffling incompetence to hold the position.”

David Davis, one of the intellectual giants of global trade, was the first to fill his boots as UK negotiator. Followed by someone and someone else. All entirely forgettable in terms of their achievements.

“Frost has been softening Barnier up for Grayling,” the source continues, “it’s been a very clever strategy. Now that old Barnier is so confused by the UK position he doesn’t know what’s coming at him we’re sending in the UK government power animal.”

It’s expected that Grayling will hold talks with Barnier this week and achieve all Boris Johnson’s aims.

“There’s not a day goes by where Boris Johnson, the talisman of Brexit, doesn’t wish he had sent in the other column to the Telegraph. Both David Cameron and Theresa May showed themselves smarter than Johnson. They both avoided being the last prime minister of the United Kingdom, and the first Prime Minister of just England. Johnson has to bring a big gun to bear if he wants to avoid a No Deal Brexit and the unenviable title of the man who broke the UK.”

But of course Mr Johnson will need someone to carry the can, and that’s where Grayling steps up to the plate.

“Grayling is proper packhorse. He has so many spectacular policy implementation failures to his credit. To add failing to negotiate an actual Brexit, and instead save Johnson’s goat by accidentally signing the UK up to Hard Remain will be the crowning glory on a stellar career.”

And the timing couldn’t be more perfect as the transition period rushes to a finish and the Euro is set to replace the US Dollar as the global reserve currency.

“The Bank of England has already moved billions into the Euro, so don’t worry about paying for Covid-19, we’ve got it covered.”

tAke BaCk CoNtRoL : The minor European power of Germany looks set for a swift kick up the arse today after regional bureaucrat Angela Merkel displayed a total ignorance of the power of Global Britain.

It seems Ms Merkel, in theory an experienced governor and international relations expert, has overplayed her already weak hand and struck discussion of Brexit off the to do list for a regional summit.

“Mr Johnson is going to have to take personal charge of Ms Merkel’s dereliction of duty,” one Tory MP told LCD Views, “he will summon her to his office and watch as Cummings sorts her out in his own way. You see. They’ll only be discussing Brexit at their little red tape gala.”

The move to intervene at the start of the crisis displays a flexibility in approach to government by Mr Johnson, it will surprise some, but not avid fans.

“Normally he waits until the bin fire is raging before strolling over with a half drunk cup of water to extinguish the blaze,” the MP noted, “this time he’s got a can of gasoline and he’s involved right at the get go. He had to clear a weekend break in Tuscany out of his diary for this. Impressive leadership.”

But what if Ms Merkel doesn’t see sense and bow to Mr Johnson, and the UK’s reinvigorated global might?

“Well the next move is obvious,” the MP shrugged, “David Davis will be on the blower to the German automotive sector and then Merkel will really be in for it!”

MAKING THE RUNNING : WORLD RENOWNED PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson has hit back today over criticisms about his style of pandemic governance.

“Some willywobblers have been unfairly complaining that I am not leading in the fight against Covid-19, but rather waiting for the Scots to make a move and then following,” Mr Johnson told the country, via a video link set up in a tent on a movie set.

“This is not the case! Take back control from Sturgeon my backbenchers cry? I…I…I…I do not, I say I DO NOT sit idly waiting for the results of our private polling, and how seemingly killing the vulnerable is hitting my numbers, and then glance over to see what Sturgeon is doing. This is not the case. Mostly I am drinking. Just look at my record. How many buses I have made from empty wine crates? Like Agamemnon launching a thousand shits I will row, row, row my boat forcibly up Covid’s streams!”

But in spite of the firm denial from the placeman in No 10, the pattern is now firmly established.

Our internal expert says – “Basically it’s a calculation of how many votes will be lost if X number of voters die + how rich Tory party donors can get off the back of Covid-19 before a tightening of policy. That’s how it seems. So once the polling shows a significant drop in support it’s a decision of either extending the eat out to help out food+porn initiative, or actually putting in place guidance to prevent preventable deaths? With a side calculation of how much political gain Sunak is experiencing by fiscal bungs to the populace, versus Mr Johnson’s own all important centralising of political power? Managing a pandemic is incredibly complex. It’s not just a case of doing the bleedingly obvious to avoid a cold virus spreading.”

At least that’s clear now. And Mr Johnson had a final stinging retort for his critics.

“Even if, and I say this with my fists clenched for BATTLE! EVEN IF, even so, even if like the Minotaur faced with a man armed with a ball of wool and a stick I may appear to be following Nicola Sturgeon’s lead on Covid-19, after so many entirely sensible U-turns, there is one area where I am well ahead of the Scottish problem. I am by far making all the running in breaking up the United Kingdom! Huzzah!”

GETTING SMALLER ALL THE TIME : THE CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY, AKA BREXIT PARTY, has hailed the success of its latest algorithm.

The algorithm concerned has been in operation since 2015 (although some point to analogue versions that have been used since the 1970’s) and has successfully downgraded the United Kingdom to England.

“It will take time for the full impact of the regrading to be obvious,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but Prime Minister Cummings is exceptionally pleased with the results.”

It’s not the first time such an algorithm has been used to successfully downgrade a functioning parliamentary democracy, governing a multitude of various regions, into just one.

“But it’s one of the most obvious.”

And now the algorithm has been used to shed the United Kingdom of the parts not given to English nationalism it has been turned inward to make further changes.

“Big Ben is being replaced by an hourglass, which some critics have labelled a job creation scheme, as someone has to turn it every hour. But we think the feeling of pride to be gained in the job is worth it. Especially as an aide to Liz Truss sells hour glasses by the batch for only £252m.”

But as part of the Cummings/Johnson administrations commitment to levelling up the country, the North will see changes too.

“The Angel of the North is going to be replaced by a Wicker Man. This will ensure summer harvest is always celebrated in the traditional way. Whoever fails the patriot score the heaviest, after algorithm regrading, will be placed inside. It’ll be a reviving of a classic festival in which the entire country can come together and warm the cockles of their hearts.”

Still, there’s always a critic, with some pointing out that the UK has been Little Britain since the 23/06/16 and there’s little real point in a further downgrading.

“I think the whole world now sees us for who we have become,” one said, “this continual regrading is just a PR exercise to make it look like the government is doing something.”

UKIP MPS RULZ : MPS OF THE (FORMERLY) CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY have called for the Brexit Withdrawal Agreement, negotiated with the EU last year, to be torn up. It is missing a vital ingredient.

“Where Global Britain,” a ham faced pork knuckle, somehow elected to the Mother of Parliaments, told LCD Views, “and wee one the war. Any international treatie negotiated from here on must contain a reference to past conflicts inn it’s title.”

The demand is not surprising, as shifting goal posts mid game is the MO of Brexiters.

“They have to acknowledge our status as sovereign equals,” another MP told LCD Views, while bashing his head into a jar of pickles. “The whole point of leaving the EU was to take back control and hand it from Brussels to Moscow, Washington, Beijing. Actually a very internationalist spread of capital cities. Global Britain – now everyone’s whipping boy. Some of us will get very rich.”

Whether or not the EU will agree to reopen a legally binding, international agreement, that Mr Johnson and his chums presented as a resounding success, this isn’t clear.

“They may give the UK a math lesson. Which is greater? 1 or 27?” a quiet voice at the back said.

“Once they see we hold all the cards they’ll cave to the demands of the German automotive sector and give us what we want,” someone else said, presumably David Davis, en route to be upcycled as a plank of chipboard.

But what is this missing ingredient?

“The agreement essentially just has to be retitled and any legally binding obligations on the UK government removed, because we are pretty useless at sticking to them.”

Retitled to what?

“Two World Wars and One World Cup, of course. We’re Global Britain. Get over it.”

HE’S A FIRESTARTER : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON NEVER SEEMS TO TAKE A YEAR OFF and his restless attitude to government is no more obvious than in his visionary policy proposals for big infrastructure.

His latest proposal will do nothing to diminish his reputation for grand designs, regardless of what is missing in the detail.

“He’ll light the fuse himself,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “or maybe put it out to tender. People can bid to do it. Then we can award the contract to blow up London Bridge to a party donor.”

Bid to do what exactly? Come again?

“Blow up London Bridge of course,” the source replied, “then we can rebuild it. Bigger. Better. And with less red tape. Right now you can hardly move across the bloody structure for all the overweening EU red tape about what parts of the bridge are pedestrian, which are for motorised traffic. How strong the foundations need to be. Whether it should be able to stand up in a tidal river or not. Ghastly. Costs us millions per week that could be better spent on peerages.”

But the current London Bridge was built before the U.K. joined the common market.

“See! Just proves how many and busy are the EU’s tentacles.”

So the plan to blow up and rebuild the bridge is to show the EU who is boss?

“Oh, they know that already. Some Russian chap. Just became a Lord. No. The plan to demolish the famous bridge comes from Mr Johnson’s hands on approach to fatherhood.“

Fascinating.

“Dom has been singing nursery rhymes to him to help him get to sleep. Also so Boris learns them himself. It’s for a photo shoot that will appear in the Telegraph on the new national holiday – Boris Day – this will be a celebration focused on fatherhood. Everyone is Boris’s child, or girlfriend, or ex-mistress, or wife, or bro now. The whole country. Perhaps the entire continent.”

And it seems ‘London Bridge is Falling Down’ is a firm favourite.

“It’s an inspirational old song, especially if you’ve friends in the construction industry. Oh, and the cost of the entire project will be self-financing, as we’ll be selling off the rubble as souvenirs. Testaments to Johnson’s premiership.”

He really has thought this through.

“He wants to get Britain building again,” the source confirmed, “which is why he’s so keen on demolishing it.”

DOVER AND OUT: Crime Minister Boris Johnson is very pleased that a huge swathe of classic English countryside is to disappear under concrete. The size, scope and pointlessness of the new lorry park are already being described as being “world beating”.

£705m is being spaffed up the wall on this pollution solution. This unusual amount of money is the equivalent of seven phantom PPE contracts.

Who wins when you pave paradise and put up a parking lot? The unspoken conclusion is that Dominic Cummings must have mates who own a concrete mixer.

Unfortunately for the government, there is only one Labour-held constituency in Kent, Canterbury, and even Dominic Cummings is reluctant to knock down the cathedral. So instead they are using the back yard of disgraced remainer and laptop abuser, Damien Green.

Green is incensed by this development, which was predicted the moment the Brexit vote was won. “Nobody voted for this!” he thundered, while failing to point out that, apparently, everyone knows exactly what they voted for.

The owner of the gorgeous greenfield site selected for development, Ken Tishops, was apoplectic. “I only heard about this today!” he grumbled, gnawing viciously on a stalk of grass. “I’m supposed to turn more than 27 acres of prime hop growing land into a fully fledged lorry park by Friday!”

How are you doing to do that?

“They just said, ‘Get it done’,” he said. “‘Get it done. Then get the hell off the land and do one.'”

Parking lots generally have famous figures buried beneath them. In this instance, it will be the neutral civil servants who have been ‘retired’ for standing up to Cummings.

What plans have been made for supplying diesel, food and drink, and toilet facilities for the stranded drivers?

“Plans? What plans?” despaired Tishops. “They haven’t even specified where the access road will be. It will be a white elephant, useless before it is even opened, and my hop fields will be gone. Somebody is making a packet out of it, you can be sure of that, and it certainly isn’t me!”

Nigel Farage will open the lorry park, waving a Union Jack triumphantly while the last few bits of concrete are poured onto the ground.

Needless destruction, nonexistent planning, money spaffed up the wall. World beating!