Category: Brexit

SOVEREIGNTY IS GOLDEN : A dramatic event in the man made maritime English region of Kent has led to a boost for Brexit Britain’s self-sufficiency.

While news media outlets (chasing sensationalism) have blasted out alarmist stories of gridlocked truckers filling Kent to overflowing with wee, few have bothered to look for the tangible benefits.

Happily a group of Conservative MPs called the PRG (Pee Research Group) have set themselves up (at taxpayers expense) to look into how this bout of collective micturation can be to the advantage of Global Britons.

“Traditional British firepower has always been in an Englishman’s todger,” Roger Dulltree, MP for Wessex, told LCD Views, “and once again as we wave our willies at Europe we will be showing them a full barrel.”

The robust statement is well backed up, just like the truckers in Kent, by the ability of England to return to the traditional method of making gunpowder.

“Brown Bess wasn’t fired with a Frenchman’s pale liquid,” Dulltree continues, “or a German’s darkened flow. No. Traditional British musketry was primed with the byproduct of patriotic wee!”

The recommendation to begin collecting the inland sea, and the chemicals contained within, to make gunpowder has been welcomed. But not only by the suddenly aquatic residents of Kent.

“When Englishmen go to war over fish against the French next year,” a 10 Downing Street source said, “they will be fired up with patriotic powders. Take that Frenchie! You just try and blockade Dover! You’ll only be giving us more firepower!”

THE EASIEST FARCE IN HISTORY : THE UK’S 18 MONTH LONG EXPERIMENT IN LEADERSHIP BY IDIOT HAS BEGUN TO YIELD RESULTS.

The experiment has been run by KleptoFascistInternationalist Enterprises, an international concern with key stakeholders in the UK, USA and the Russian Federation, with the aim of reinventing feudalism for the 21st century.

“We hoped to prove it was entirely possible to place a confirmed idiot in a position of leadership and see a country fail,” a spokesman for KFIE told LCD Views, “and we believe the choosing of a Benny Hill tribute act has only augmented the outcomes for all key stakeholders.”

Most of the key stakeholders are believed to be kleptocrats and currency traders, but some are just good old fashioned fascists.

“It is not clear how much longer we will let the experiment run,” the spokesman continues, “as we are facing some headwinds from across the Atlantic. These are expected to strengthen in late January. But the important date is December 31st this year and we will successfully see the experiment beyond that.”

The only real concerns appear to be the complete lack of preparation at a state and local level to prepare for the outcomes of the experiment, with the farce government now looking to impose food and medicine shortages on the population under study.

“That is not KFIE’s position,” the spokesman hit back, “we look forward to racketeering in food stuffs and clean water products. The lack of preparation just expands our options for additional experiments.”

Happily for KFIE, and the Benny Hill tribute – Boris Johnson, the population the experiment is being conducted on keeps expecting common sense to return.

“That’s a key advantage for us,” KFIE said, “if someone stopped the Benny Hill theme music blaring out of 10 Downing Street we’d have to cut our losses and run. As it stands we expect to have a lot of fun, especially watching Johnson giving his finest hour speeches as the dogging begins in Kent lorry parks and the portaloos overflow, just adding to the fun.”

HOUSE SLYTHERING : BREAKING NEWS TODAY THAT ONE OF THE LEADING LIGHTS OF BRITISH POLITICAL PANTOMINE, MICHAEL GOVE, HAS APPLIED FOR POLITICAL ASYLUM IN BRUSSELS.

It was expected that Mr Gove would travel into the lion’s den today in order to further confuse the Brexit negotiations, but it took everyone by surprise when he immediately applied for diplomatic protection.

“It is potentially an exceptionally good move on the part of Boris Johnson,” our Westminster correspondent muses, “he presumably tipped Gove over the edge by asking him to go to Brussels in the first place. And now that’s one less knife hovering at his back. Only several hundred remain now waiting for the moment of political assassination.”

Whether or not the EU will grant Gove’s request isn’t clear, with many expressing surprise that he has applied for the asylum in Brussels and not Amsterdam.

“It will make trying him at the Hague easier?” one official mused to us on the condition of anonymity, “as once the UK exits the transition period at the end of December and tears up all its ties to the EU, we can revoke the diplomatic protection and put Gove on trial. I say Hague, it maybe Nuremberg where he is tried.”

But some are concerned that Gove is not genuine in his application and has actually been sent over to Brussels to destroy its outrageous unity v UK, but from the inside.

“This is why he is being held right now in a secure facility,” our correspondent notes, “at the bottom of a well with just enough shade to keep out of direct sunlight, with the walls of the well above head height composed entirely of garlic, silver and some butter. This is to help with the cooking should he accidentally step into the light.”

Other leading Brexiters are expected to head to Brussels and claim asylum before the year is out, much in the way that regime insiders always flee before the final collapse, leaving only the diehards at the end attempting to decide, revolver or cyanide, or both?

Brexit, you do have to crazy to work in it, and no, that doesn’t help.

A SUBSTANTIAL MEAL: Scotch eggs are for Christmas, not for life, it seems. Under new austerity no deal brexit rules, turkey and all the trimmings will this year be replaced by a Scotch egg.

Those rubbishing the news have been silenced. It’s as though their mouths have been sealed with Scotch Tape.

Red tape is bad enough, but the Scotch variety comes in a bewildering choice of tartan. This makes the etiquette of choosing the correct tape to silence anyone with Scottish ancestry an absolute nightmare.

So the bland, dry turkey is out. Instead you will get a bland, dry, pub snack. It’s ok, you say, until you realise that there are no trimmings, nothing.

“It’s enough to feed a family of six,” explained Gluttony Minister Oliver Nutherhelping. “The Rule of Six states that a single Scotch egg contains sufficient nourishment for six people for a whole day. We are following The Science,” he concluded, tucking into another portion of SAGE and onion stuffing.

But won’t there be uproar? The Great British Public want, nay, demand sprouts on their plates on this one special day. No sprouts, and there will be rioting.

“Let me scotch that rumour,” replied Nutherhelping through a mouthful of Yorkshire pudding and gravy. “Nobody actually likes sprouts. Besides, Scotch egg is perfectly substantial, even adequate.”

Potatoes? Pigs in blankets? Cranberry sauce?

“Grow your own,” said Nutherhelping, munching a large piece of steak with several onion rings. “It’s not our responsibility to feed the people. How hard can it be?”

It will be slim pickings. Even slimmer than the premise of this article.

“Obesity is putting a strain on the NHS,” remarked Nutherhelping, now working his way through a whole Christmas pudding covered with cream, custard, and brandy butter. “No, I don’t think I’ll have the waffer thin mint, thank you very much!”

The only remaining difficulty is, will an independent Scotland let us have their eggs? Wait and see what sort of deal Boris Johnson can do.

TAKING PERSONAL CONTROL : THERE ARE FEARS IN THE FRENCH HIGH COMMAND TODAY THAT BORIS JOHNSON HAS COMPLETELY OUTMANOEUVRED THEM AT THE 11TH HOUR IN THE BREXIT TALKS.

The PANIC centres on the future of their fishing fleet and the inability to get the better of the bold seafaring Brits.

“We thought Britain no longer ruled the waves,” an aide to President Macron told LCD Views, off the record, “but it seems they just can not be beaten. It is the end of the fishing industry in France. We are all shellshocked.”

The exact strategy Mr Johnson has used to scupper the French appears to be inspired by his usual way of solving problems, largely caused by himself.

“He’s given them all an untendered PPE contract and Matt Hancock’s private phone number so they can Whatsapp him to arrange it,” the aide said, looking ashen, “how are we supposed to compete with that? If Macron makes any move to block them taking the penalty clause free windfalls they’re be riots like we haven’t seen in France since yesterday.”

The payments to the French fishermen are believed to come with a cherry on top too, as all will be backdated to the moment the French and English crowns separated in the Medieval period, and the fishing wars began.

“We are going to have to buy all the English fish now,” the aide said, “it’s going to bankrupt us. Now that the UK is free to take whatever it wants from BRITISH WATERS. They’ll have so much to sell we won’t be able to keep up. If only we could just raid our public finances to staunch the wounds we create ourselves, like Mr Johnson.”

Exactly how much PPE will be supplied by the retired French fishermen isn’t clear.

“It’s not part of the deal. It’s just a direct cash transfer in the billions right into their bank accounts. And they’re getting paid in Euros too, so the money is still worth something next year. What a genius is Mr Johnson. Talk about having your hake and eating it.”

THERE WILL BE ADEQUATE FOOD: And plenty of it. And clean drinking water. Ish.

Environment Secretary George Eustice thinks that a Scotch egg will be a substantial meal come the end of the Transition Period. Unfortunately, he is probably right, as our frictionless trade will continue, held up only slightly by a very small mountain of red tape. It has left him with egg on his face.

While hungry Brits wait in the pubs for their fish to arrive from Iceland, and their chips to make it from Ireland, the only part of their meal remaining will be the Scotch egg. Therefore, Eustice argues, as the only component of the meal it is, by definition, substantial.

To reinforce his argument, the expected rampant inflation will mean that the price of a Scotch egg becomes substantial. A week’s wages for a breadcrumb-covered delicacy? Yes, and we will be thankful. Expect them to appear on the menu at the Festival of Brexit, alongside British Fish.

Scottish independence will come to matter in time. When independence happens, Scotland will surely insist, under regional branding regulations, that the only Scotch egg worthy of the name must be made in Scotland, and must proudly bear the Saltire.

Other hard boiled egg products with sausage meat casings will be available, but they must be called “Scottish-style sausage meat coated egg portions” instead.

Pubs will of course be open. Unless they are closed. Unless they are in a Tier 1 region. Unless The Rules change again, and lots more illusory Tiers appear. But there won’t be any food to serve, because it will all be stuck on the back of a lorry in Kent. Unless you are in Kent, and the bored lorry drivers have set up their own pub to cook the food on their lorries before it goes off.

But this is precisely what every Leave voter voted for, as we know.

And what will Eustice’s response to the inevitable complaints be? Let them eat Scotch eggs.

LOOKING AFTER ARE OWN : A LEAKED WHITEHALL MEMO IS IN THE NEWS TODAY, as they are so often.

The subject of today’s memo is forecasting for the overseas aid spending in 2021, and even with the cut announced this week from 0.7 of the national budget to 0.5, there’s still some surprising winners.

“The memo discusses the need to look after are own,” our Westminster correspondent reports, “and the needy are very close to home.”

But it’s not hungry school children or public sector workers surviving on the breadline who are the focus.

“The main concern seems to be the likelihood of a unilateral declaration of independence by the newly created Kingdom of Kent. It’s believed a right Cnut, already a prominent local figure, will rise to lead the new nation and take it away from the rest of England.

“The aid spend will be aimed to offset the worst case scenario of Kent seeking to join France, once it is completely fed up with lorry queues so big they’re seen from space, and of course the overflowing portaloos that will make large swathes of Kent uninhabitable, once flooding spreads the trucker shit across the lowlands.”

How the aid money will be spent specifically isn’t discussed, but the implication is it will be used to “support” Tory MPs in resisting the push for independence.

“The first crisis will come once the Kent Access Permits come into force on January 1st. There’s likely to be large scale revolt at the sudden erection of a border in England. And this will lead to a psychological shift. Although it’s not all bad news if secession occurs. It’s understood Priti Patel is likely to return permanently to her stronghold in Essex and wage a war to seize the crown of the new Kingdom across the border, with her banner of the flayed man flying high above her semi-detached home and the screams of the captured echoing forever through the halls of her fortress. This will free up Boris Johnson to appoint a new Home Secretary that better reflects his obvious liberal tendencies.”

WE NEED HIM MORE THAN HE NEEDS US: In times of great need, the UK requires a saviour to gallop to our rescue in shining armour. St George? Shakespeare? Benny Hill? No, that greatest of luminaries, David Davis.

The man who spent 18 months failing to negotiate the easiest deal in history has once again displayed his outstanding quality. He spent 6 hours trying to sort out his phone contract with Vodafone, with absolutely no success whatsoever.

This is the man we need at the helm as increasingly fractious Brexit debates still rage. Much of the current team is still at the stage where they wail, ‘Why doesn’t someone tell them we voted to leave?’ ignoring the fact that this is the reason they came around the negotiating table in the first place.

So back into the fray comes the man of the moment. Brexit, we were told, could be sorted out in an afternoon over a cup of tea. Davis couldn’t sort out a phone contract in more than an afternoon despite consuming several cups of tea. Clearly, he is the man for the job.

The necessary tactics are obvious. Davis must insist on an EE+++ deal, with free 5G (whenever the technological solution becomes available) and 100 extra minutes. Oh, and he won’t pay the bill because that’s socialism. No more TalkTalk, or we will WalkWalk. No phone is better than a bad phone, after all.

This sort of fighting talk is what got Davis the job in the first place. In no time at all, the EU will be despatching orders to all the German car manufacturers to send a car full of mobile telephones to Mr Davis, and give him a free lift to the Sunlit Uplands.

Or, more likely, they will give him an Australia-style deal. Two tinnies connected with a piece of string. It’s the ideal way to congratulate a cobber for all his hard yakka. Bonzer, mate!

WHOA WHOA WHOA THERE : REASSURING NEWS FOR ANXIETY SAVAGED BRITS TODAY after George “Useless” Eustice did his turn on the Sunday morning chat shows, and soothed everyone over the availability of various dairy products post Brexit.

The Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs was face to face with that notorious verbal pugilist Andrew Marr who came out swinging over dairy products.

“Look, when I was standing in a field the other day, wondering if it was my office? I saw a fine bull standing against the horizon,” Mr Eustice soothed, “his tits catching the late afternoon sun, and I thought what a splendid beast. We should genetically engineer bulls to have more tits, so there’s no milk shortage, should the dairy sector collapse completely because of Brexit.”

Clearly a man with a plan, and willing to share his thought on it.

“When I invented the idea of placing screen doors on submarines,” he sailed on, “everyone told me I would be mad to do it. But I did it anyway. That’s the spirit of Brexit. And has anyone seen any of our submarines since? I bet you haven’t. No one can even name the Defence Minister. It shows you how we’re making a success of it.”

But it seemed Mr Marr wasn’t completely satisfied, so he came at George with a slow right hook regarding tariffs.

“You’re just getting silly now Andrew. As the inventor of motorbike ashtrays, inflatable dartboards and handbrakes for canoes I can promise you today that if we don’t have any trading arrangements agreed with the EU after Brexit we simply won’t do it.”

Won’t do Brexit? – the question came from an abruptly ashen Mr Marr.

“What? No. You’re getting confused. We won’t trade. We’re definitely doing Brexit, and we’re going to make a success of it. But we don’t need to trade with anyone at all to make a success of it. And before anyone suggests it, we’re not completely barking mad and in the thrall of dark interests. We’re one nation conservatives.”

ET TU PORT-A-LOO : BRITAIN’S MOST FAMOUS PATRIOT, NIGEL FARAGE, HAS BEEN GIFTED A REWARD FOR HIS TIRELESS SERVICE TO IRISH RE-UNIFICATION AND SCOTTISH, WELSH AND CORNISH INDEPENDENCE.

“It’s only fitting that a man who sung famous, patriotic songs in his youth should now see himself in his middle years standing next to a portable toilet,” a spokesman for the committee responsible told LCD Views.

And while some long faces have begun asking who has the contract for the miles of port-a-loos to be installed in Kent, Cummings or a former aide to Liz Truss, or even Robert Jenrick? Any right thinking person has their mind focused on Nigel and the opening ceremony.

“There ceremony will showcase modern Britain to the world,” the spokesman continued, “a giant toilet rapidly filling up with all variety of crap. And we did it all ourselves. This is total national sovereignty in action.”

And it’s not just the cutting of the ribbon that is rousing enthusiasm, other prominent promoters of Brexit will be honoured too.

“The toilets will be named after those who have done the most to bring about Brexit,” the spokesman enthused, “you may choose to lose a stool in David Davis, Jacob Rees-mogg or wave your Johnson low in the Johnson. The options are endless.”

Corporate sponsorship will also be sought for what will be eye-catching installations.

“Imagine crapping in a Dyson? It’s not just Brexiters that will come running. That opportunity will see remainers happy to use the port-a-loos too. A unifying experience.”

We wish Nigel well for the ceremony, planned for January 1st 2021. We only ask that the first toilet to be opened be called the Jacob Rees-bogg.