Category: Brexit

PROFITS OF DOOM: Former UKIP and Brexit party stalwart Nigel Farage is just the latest Brexit pusher to attempt to rewrite history. Farage is now trying to claim that the whole thing was a bad idea, and nothing to do with him, honest, guv.

It is remarkable that, only a fortnight into Brexit proper, that Brexiters are falling over themselves to disassociate themselves from Brexit. You would have thought that they knew exactly what they were voting for.

But the outstanding figure is Farage. Many rank-and-file Tories will use the “I was only following orders” defence. Farage has no such luxury. He has forged an entire career out of Brexit, and is now effectively cancelling himself.

“This is a betrayal of Brexit, The British People, well 17.4m of them anyway, The Queen, and the Great British Fish!” said the man himself from his flag-festooned man cave. “I told you so, many times, that this wasn’t Brexit, and that any Brexit was an idiotic notion. But nobody listened. The media didn’t give me the time to argue my case!”

So endless newspaper columns, his own radio show, and a permanent seat on the panel of the long-running weekly BBC flagship satirical show, Question Time, wasn’t enough?

“Nobody realised that I was actually campaigning for closer ties to the EU!” moaned Farage. “Why do you think I became an MEP? The Brexit thing was all a joke, all those pathetic stunts with fish, the rallies and abortive marches which only attracted a handful of idiots? Wasn’t it obvious?”

Yet you formed the Brexit Party to push Brexit.

“And how many seats did we win? None. As usual. I’ve never won,” he said, although whether boasting or complaining wasn’t apparent. “It was obvious Brexit was a non-starter from the start, I made my point, but nobody realised I was only joking!”

And on that note, he mounted his unicorn and galloped back to the sunlit uplands.

TWENTY TWENTY-ONE HINDSIGHT: The many Brexit dividends are coming to light at last. A new political movement has sprung up in response: The I F#@king Told You So Party. 

Patriots from across the political spectrum, excluding the still-blinkered Farageists, have rushed to join. After all, the only way to beat a single issue party is to form a zero issue party. 

Almost unbelievably, the new party has captivated almost three quarters of the public, according to a snap poll by YouDiv. The pollsters report a tangible sense of relief. 

“I’m happy that there is a party that expresses my feelings at last,” remarked a relieved Prudence Physcally. “I, and many other people I know, predicted the public sector squeeze and the huge payouts to Tory donors. This new party validates my sense of outrage.” 

“I knew that the fishing issue was a red herring,” claims maritime expert John Dory. “From that idiot Farage’s stunts to Jacob Rees-Mogg trolling us about ‘happy fish’. They can all get in the sea!” 

“It was obvious that the government has no interest in public health,” grumbled a coughing Vi Rallinfectiion. “There was never an extra £350m a week for the NHS, and total inaction when covid hit. I would love to wash my hands of them!” 

Almost everyone polled had a similar story. 

“I was hearing this message night and day,” said The I F#@king Told You So Party leader Faye Sparm. “The conventional parties have lost their appeal. Farage has lost his relevance. The People have nowhere to turn. We don’t even need policies. All we need to do is respond to the news by saying I F#@king Told You So.”

Sparm also has a plan for when (not if) her party gets into power. 

“What Would Boris Do?” Sparm explained. “Then immediately do the exact opposite of that. That’s the long and short of it.” 

Don’t say you weren’t warned. Say I F#@king Told You So. 

HAVING A FRIEND TO DINNER : DOWNING STREET HAVE DENIED A FABRICATED LEAK WHICH SAYS THAT THEY HAVE DRAWN UP PLANS TO FEED BRITONS TO BRITONS.

The leak to LCD Views is in the form of a revealing email that contains several non-existent attachments.

“The attachments are mostly spreadsheets and calculations of when the food runs out. Not just the fresh food, which is already mostly absent from everywhere, but the sort of exclusive club that will fly you to the UAE for a vaccine.”

Under the plans the UK will not need to betray Brexit by asking the EU to allow us to re-enter the SM and CU, but can instead feed on itself.

“Clearly there will be a clash with social distancing measures as people will need to get rather close to strangers in order to eat them. But it’s not yet clear if families will be happy dining indoors? Although some suggest this is just because Mr Johnson himself never spends any time with his children.”

The legalising of cannibalism will also alleviate the now ritual shame cycle of Marcus Rashford having to embarrass Boris Johnson into feeding people ten years of idiotic economic policies have driven into poverty.

“Now is not the time to betray Brexit,” the covering note to the calculations state, “not when we have the ability to feed ourselves at home.”

But while the plans demonstrate a previously missing ability to forward plan by the government, it hasn’t left everyone satiated.

“We’re still at risk of scurvy,” a critical note asserts, “at least until the new citrus groves planted yesterday by John Redwood being to bear fruit.”

IT’S WHAT SOMEONE VOTED FOR : A POWERFUL GROUP OF CONSERVATIVE MPS have hit out at the unelected technocrats in Brussels today over what they’ve labelled “a doctrine too wedded to reality to be realistic”.

The cause of the angst appears to be the EU’s stubborn refusal to include non-member state U.K. in its hardship fun.

“While most notably Ireland, the Netherlands, Holland, the Dutch and Germany will all be sitting pretty, the U.K. has been abandoned,” a representative of the group told LCD Views.

And it seems they’re not wrong. An exhaustive examination of the list of recipients can’t find the U.K. on it anywhere. Presumably an oversight? Or a deliberate policy to exclude the U.K.?

“The slush fund is a result of Brexit,” the Tory goes on, “We caused Brexit. It’s only fair we benefit from the fund. If they don’t back down and see nonsense we will do some research about it.”

And the group have good cause to be concerned by the recalcitrance of the EU, as Brexit is already causing hardship in various regions and industries of the U.K.

“Have you seen what’s happening to fishing? Leaving the single market and customs union is devastating it. The EU needs to step up if it’s serious about alleviating the harm caused by Brexit across the United Kingdom. If it doesn’t we will begin pushing to physically drag the U.K. out of continental Europe and into the middle of the Atlantic. Here we will forge a new kingdom with the outgoing President of the USA.”

HOMEGROWN TASTE OF CONTROL : There is no need to panic when seeing empty supermarket shelves as there is an ample supply of homegrown sovereignty.

That is the message being put out today from Downing Street as reports of bare supermarket shelves begin to pile up across social media.

All major supermarket chains will begin filling the empty spaces in their shops with British sovereignty, with or without Union Jacks on the packaging, you’ll be able to tell it’s sovereignty once you open your mouth.

It also means that the days of bargains in supermarkets will continue with retailers being urged to offer two for one and multi-pack deals on the filling taste of having took back control from Brussels. Yeah.

There maybe some minor price hikes necessary to ensure the sovereignty is fresh, but it will be worth it once you tastebuds connect with the unique flavour only available in post transition Brexit U.K.

“We would request that households do not stockpile the sovereignty,” a Downing Street aide requests of the general public, “as we need to ensure everyone has access to it in the event of another toilet paper shortage.”

DIGGING FOR BRITAIN : U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson continues in his ramped up and world beating attempt to see just how crap you can be as a government and just carry on.

As part of the experiment he has already dramatically reduced the rights of the non-millionaire class, while having Priti Patel constantly boast about it. And he got to just carry on.

This solid play at kakistocracy has been equalled by overseeing the worst Covid-19 response on the planet, even though it’s clear by international comparisons that we did not have to pile high death mountain. And still he just gets to carry on.

But it is becoming harder to punish a willing public, as he is working with the results of 10 years of Tory austerity, which is both a blessing and a curse of yours attempting to harm your country. And just get to carry on.

But he is clearly up to the task as week two post his great Brexit deal ably demonstrates.

First the fishermen starting going bust, and Johnson just gets to carry on. And now he’s really putting the acid into Petri dish U.K. To see if he can just get to carry on.

“He’s doing this by overseeing massive supply chain failures, a direct and foreseen result of ripping the U.K. supply lines out of the 21st century,” a Downing Street source celebrates.

“The supermarket shelves are starting to empty as predicted by anyone with even the faintest knowledge of the reality of modern trade, and what non-tariff barriers will do. This is because you maybe able to mentally transport yourself back into the 1970’s, but you can’t do it to your entire economy. Scurvy is next. That will be the crux of our experiment. Will we just get to carry on being the government? Let’s find out.”

And to signal that the U.K. has now entered the scurvy stage of Mr Johnson’s government experiment, Mr Johnson will give a speech.

“He will tell everyone exactly what is happening,” the source confirms, “searching for limes will at least take peoples attention off dying of Covid!”

And the speech will draw on a classic, as is Mr Johnson’s want.

“He will say he is cracking down on fresh fruit, and the causes of fresh fruit.”

And judging by experience so far, he’ll just get to carry on.

SMOKE ME A KIPPER TIE: Brexit supporting MPs are unhappy with EU intransigence. This time it’s the refusal to regress to the 1970s with us. 

If you remember the 1960s you can’t have been there, goes the cliché. Unfortunately the 1970s were so dire, that those who were there have tried desperately to forget. 

LCD Views takes grim pleasure in reminding those who fought in two world wars, but can’t remember what the UK was like only 45 years ago, of the facts. 

Everything was orange and brown. Everything. Wallpaper, carpets, clothes. Everything. 

Lapels, ties, and trousers became so wide, that in a brisk wind you could be blown away. 

Platform soles. Say no more. 

Want veg, fizzy drinks, fish & chips? You had to know which day the van came round. 

The three day week, strikes, and power cuts were a regular source of entertainment. It was better than the TV, which only had 3 channels and Bernard Manning was always on. 

Strangely, there were not many Brexit loving MPs willing to endorse the reclamation of the title “The sick man of Europe”. They were lining up to blame the EU, however. 

“We wouldn’t be in this mess if the EU had simply rolled over and given us what we wanted!” spluttered Brexity MP Stan Dalone. “But they insisted, undemocratically, to remain in the 21st century. Don’t they know that we are British, and the British know best?” 

Dalone spent a good minute huffing and grumbling under his breath, before continuing. 

“We didn’t have decent wine, mobile phones, or reliable cars back in the 70s, but we survived!” he blustered. “Made men of us. Brexit will put British lead back into your pencils, your pipes, your paint and your petrol!” 

And off he went in his Austin Allegro, with Slade blasting out of his 8 track, and smoking Capstan Full Strength. 

Five minutes later he was back. “Give us a push, mate, damn thing’s broken down again.” 

But remember, this is nothing to do with Brexit… 

BREXITING ON EUROPEAN TIME : 10 DOWNING STREET HAVE CONFIRMED TONIGHT THAT A RECORDING OF BIG BEN WILL PLAY AT 11PM (GMT) TO MARK BREXIT.

It had been hoped that the famous bell would toll to mark the end of the United Kingdom in person, but there are reports of trouble getting it to comply.

“The bell is not happy,” an insider in the Elizabeth Tower told LCD Views, “it is closely associated with British democracy, one of the symbols of the Mother of Parliaments, and after yesterday’s sham in the Houses of Parliament it has declared enough is enough and refused to cooperate.”

Why a mere few hours of debate on the legislation affecting the final act of Brexit was unacceptable to the bell isn’t yet clear, as that is now the democratic standard in the United Kingdom. More power to the executive and less for elected representatives. It’s what the reps voted for after all. Mercifully their pay and conditions are unaffected.

The embarrassment of the bell’s refusal will definitely come as a surprise to Brexiters, who are all idiots.

But happily recordings of the famous bongs do exist and one will be played to mark the time the UK regains the sovereignty it never lost. The time chosen is midnight across the channel, so 11pm GMT. Because nothing better symbolises the UK’s new status as a global powerhouse than following European time in its first symbolic action.

“The only concern is keeping the bell safe from Tory parliamentarians. Mark Francois wants to ring it with his head. Which can’t be allowed as no one would hear the bell over the reverberations in his cavernous skull.”

NO SARDINE IS BETTER THAN A BAD SARDINE: A government rebellion is under weigh. Cabinet heavyweight Larry the Cat is spitting furballs over Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal.

Fish is the issue. Specifically, fresh fish six times a day. Proper British Fish, and not that continental rubbish.

“I can’t let this pass,” purred Larry. “I need my fish. It’s been a long running campaign. I have been jumping on Boris’ bladder at three in the morning every night for months now, just to remind him of how important this is.”

Larry stretched himself luxuriously, and rubbed himself up against the facsimile of the Venus de Milo, that Wilfred had created all by himself. The statue fell over and the arms broke off. Larry curled up, unconcerned.

“I even got Dilyn involved,” Larry remarked. “As long as you throw him enough sticks, he’ll agree to anything. Same with most Tory MPs to be honest.”

It looks like the bill will pass, though. The ERG have agreed that it is Sovereignty compliant.

“Sovereignty compliant?” growled Larry. “What the hell does that even mean? As far as I am concerned they are a disappointment. The other parliamentary pets engaged in a guerrilla campaign to change their minds. Every night, one of them would poo in Bernard Jenkin’s shoe. The message could not have been clearer!”

He paused to lick his bottom.

“You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get through their thick skulls,” he mewed. “I have personally yowled outside Boris’ bedroom door every morning at 5am, while Dilyn has been shredding every cushion he can find.”

But Larry’s campaigning has been in vain.

“He promised me fish,” said Larry. “But all I get is Lidl own brand stuff out of a tin. He promises everything but delivers very little. I’ve had to resort to catching pigeons!”

Larry is demanding that his fresh fish clause is inserted. The claws are out. And if Johnson retracts the clause, Larry has vowed not to retract his claws.

WOULD YOU BUY A USED CAR FROM THIS MAN : THOSE STALWART MEN AND WOMEN WHO KNOW NUFFINK ABOUT EUROPE, THE ERG, HAVE BACKED JOHNSON’S DEAL.

The support of the ERG was confirmed today after a meeting of their Starfish Chamber.

It will be a great relief for the British prime minister who is currently somewhere, doing something with someone, and wouldn’t have wanted to break up his extended seasonal jollies prematurely.

With the support of the ERG in place parliament can reconvene happy tomorrow in voting for a foregone conclusion. Not that what they think about the deal matters.

But some are surprised by the ERG’s support for a deal that effectively breaks the U.K. into three different customs zones. How does that square with the desperate attempt to be as sovereign as a man who decided he wanted to start screwing around on the missus, but still get to screw her too?

“Classic Johnson,” an ERG spokesman told LCD Views, while attending a ceremony to drown a bag of puppies. “We’re well up for it. Now we can continue to take taxpayer money and spend it on puppies. And not on researching Europe.”

Good news indeed.

“And besides, we got the best reassurance we possibly could out of the prime minister. He asked us to consider his record and had he ever honoured any agreement once he’d put his name to it?”

No research group required to answer that one!

“Indeed! It’s easy to support him over this deal to get us out of the EU, as he has no intention of honouring it. Which is why none of us need bother ourselves with understanding what’s in it!”