Category: Brexit

FISHY FINGERS : The leader of the free world, Boris Johnson, has a lot on his plate these days. What with overseeing a catastrophic response to a pandemic that has seen over 110,000+ of his voters perish, and avoiding accountability for that. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have time for diplomacy.

Whether it’s privately reassuring US administration officials that he will not let Michael Gove destroy peace in Northern Ireland, or enduring the smooth flow of arms to Saudi Arabia, his Midas touch can deal with it all swiftly, and with little attention to the detail required for long term solutions.

“And he can still find time between the morning’s glass of champagne and the mid morning tipple to spare a thought for the EU,” an invented 10 Downing Street source credibly told LCD Views.

For it seems the EU are increasingly desperate for what the U.K. manufacturererers, and daily more concerned that they won’t be able to get their needy hands a hold of it.

“This is because of the lack of thought they gave to the deal they agreed with the U.K.,” the source continues. “They spent the last several years engaging with the temporary stooges placed in Downing Street by international feudalists as if the U.K. was still a functioning representative democracy who could tie its own shoelaces. Rather than calling us out on what was an obvious load of bollocks from the start. They’ve really only themselves to blame. They’ve certainly not done the voters of the U.K. any favours by going along with the Brexit farce. History will judge them harshly. But we’ve got to deal with today.”

It’s a good thing that Mr Johnson is at the helm.

“It’s essentially like dealing with spoilt children. And Boris knows all about those. He’s been one all his life. He is advised by them. He appoints them to his cabinet. He plays dress up whenever he wants, regardless of what chores need doing, just like a spoilt child too. He can deal with the whining EU. He’s got the skill set.”

But what will he do? Whatever it is he needs to do it fast. The pandemic will only conceal the damage caused by Brexit for long. Sooner or later daylight is going to break through.

“It’s really very simple,” the source shrugged. “He’s going to remind the EU they need us more than we need them. That’ll fix it and fix it fast.”

GOING DOWN DOWN DOWN : MICHAEL GOVE was responsible for preparing British business for Brexit, and it’s fair to say Michael Gove gave himself to the preparations as much as anyone could have, who was in a rush to get Brexit.

But in spite of the titanic efforts of Gove, and the rest of the leading lights in government, it appears that many British businesses didn’t properly prepare for Brexit.

“Beats me,” an aide to Rupert Murdoch’s preferred prime minister told LCD Views. “For five years people were warning British businesses that Brexit would bankrupt them. It’s not Michael’s fault that many failed to appoint administrators.”

And it’s not just preparing to go out of business that many British businesses failed to do. Many also it seems believed the things told to them by Michael Gove.

“I mean, these people must be insane! It’s no wonder they’re not ready for bankruptcy. Who on Earth would believe a bloody thing Gove says? Have they not been paying attention? What complete and utter idiocy. You’d have to have stuffed your ears with daydreams not to realise he just does not care and you can not believe him. It would be a mass display of charming naivety if it wasn’t so serious.”

But what now for all those export and import businesses who find themselves drowning in the red tape that everyone knew would apply to a third country? Which is what the UK demanded it became.

“They have to believe harder in Brexit,” the source shrugs. “If they don’t Gove will berate them for not doing it. Just believe in Brexit. Really, really hard. So hard your teeth catch fire under the pressure, carbonise and then turn into diamonds.”

That ought to do it.

GETTING A GOVE ON : The UK’s prime minister in waiting, Michael Gove, has fired a shot across the bowels of the EU.

The decision to get hot and heavy has not been influenced by narcotics, unless you include heavy hits of denial of reality.

“Michael thinks it’s high time the U.K. flexed it’s muscles in Europe,” a spokesman for an international pharmaceutical importer told LCD Views. “That’s why he’s threatening to use the UK’s veto over EU laws and decision making.”

Critics have been quick to point out that the U.K. threw away its powerful veto card along with its fishing industry, international reputation and collective bargaining power when it got Brexit done, but that’s no obstacle to Gove.

“So? Gove governs the U.K. successfully by gaslight. That’s nearly 70m people. I think he can handle the few dozen that make up the EU commission.”

The strategy it seems is to pretend the U.K. still has its seat at the EU’s decision making table. If we show enough self-belief they’ll just fall into line.

“We’re demanding the EU not treat us like a third country, even though we demanded the EU make us a third country. So to now waltz into Brussels and act like we still hold the power of a first country, because we’re British, will see them so confused they’ll agree to anything. Classic Gove. Don’t let your enemy believe any words or actions have any meanings, especially not the meaning you yourself previously applied to them. Just keep their heads spinning.”

It’s believed the strategy will quickly solve the customs border issues in Northern Ireland, without the ridiculous necessity of the U.K. government taking responsibility for its own decisions.

“Remember, once we leave the EU we hold all the cards. And that includes our veto over their decisions.”

THE CALEDONIAN MERLOT : DOWNING STREET HAVE FINALLY responded to the increasingly desperate cries of Scottish fishermen with some sound and pragmatic advice.

Speaking at a meet and greet with industry representatives, fisherman’s friend and Environmental Secretary George Useless, was ready for whatever they threw at him, be it a dead langoustine or a rotting halibut.

“There’s an emerging market in the United Kingdom for affordable wine,” he told the bearded men, “Brexit looks set to price the French out of our domestic market, except for high net worth individuals like myself and Stanley Johnson. Back to the future you could say, as with all things Brexit!”

When asked what he was talking about specifically Mr Useless said, “Why, wine of course! You can retrain as vintners. Much less risk than sailing the high seas in all weathers. Take a leaf out of the book of ballerinas. They’re retraining in cyber and will all be coders by the weekend. You can do the same, only with vines.”

In order to give the fishermen a leg up it is said the government is providing a support package of £5.99 per fishermen who turns his hand to wine.

“As visionary statesman John Redwood says, there’s a demand that we grow our own and our prevailing climate be damned! Believe in Britain!”

It’s unclear how many fishermen will take up the call, but it’s clear the opportunity is there, with as much as £1.50 expected to go onto a bottle of French plonk now Brexit is done.

“We’ll even provide geographical status for the industry. English sparkling for Kent and full bottled Scottish Cabernet Sauvignon across the entirety of the Highlands.”

BREXIT FESTIVAL IN NAME ONLY: The organisers of the much-unheralded Festival of Brexit have pleaded for more time to prepare.

This ‘transition period’ will be used to ensure expectations have been suitably adjusted. But there may be another reason, according to Festival organiser Ant E. Clymacks.

“Remember the Great Exhibition of 1851?” asked Clymacks. “Well no, obviously you don’t, unless you are undead like Jacob Rees-Mogg. But the Festival of Britain was only in 1951, and people remember that!”

That may be true, but Clymacks soon came to the point.

“1851, 1951, see?” he said. “The next big festival isn’t due until 2051.”

Speaking of Jacob Rees-Mogg, he is famously on record for claiming that we wouldn’t know the  ‘full economic consequences for a very long time’ and that ‘the overwhelming opportunity for Brexit is over the next 50 years’.

“Yes, that’s another reason of course,” gushed Clymacks. “By 2051 we will be reaping the kind of rewards that Mr Rees-Mogg was so shy about defining.”

How are preparations going?

“It’s a slow process,” admitted Clymacks. “Roger Daltrey has refused to guarantee that he will still be alive enough to open proceedings. We have managed to secure a display of Happy British Fish, but unfortunately they are tied up in red tape somewhere on the motorway network, and won’t arrive until late next year.”

Have you decided on a venue yet?

“The Millennium Dome is the obvious choice,” said Clymacks. “We managed to hire it, for as long as we like, whenever we like, for £50 a week. Boris Johnson has personally guaranteed the price and availability, so we are currently looking at other options.”

It’s clear that there will be a lot to organise. Food, displays, toilets, transport, social distancing measures…

“And we have the money,” said Clymacks. “Except… well, we don’t. It was paid out promptly to the patron of the Festival, but he has since been unavailable. Still, we found a rare Brexit 50p coin the other day, so it’s not all doom and gloom!”

And hiring all the necessary equipment from the EU takes a very long time now.

FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: British fishing has all but ceased after the Brexit debacle. Small wonder that the fish are so happy. In return, the fish have collectively decided to rescue Brexit by offering themselves as a sacrifice. 

Unconfirmed reports claim that British Fish have been leaping out of the water into fishing nets. Many fishermen on the North European coast are telling tales about this strange new behaviour. 

“I was most alarmed at first,” said German fisherman Rudi Wakening. “Hundreds of mackerel, each wearing a top hat and waving a Union Jack, jumped straight into the fish store on my boat. Several of them said, ‘Chin chin, old bean!’ and gave me a cheeky wink!” 

It was the same on the French coast. 

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said an unbelieving Didi Tappen. “Pipe smoking pin striped langoustines simply threw themselves at me, shouting ‘What ho, isn’t this a jolly lark!’ I started to wonder if I wasn’t smoking something dodgy too!” 

This story was so intriguing, that LCD Views sought out a fish whisperer to interview one of the piscine patriots. 

“We decided it was time to act, old boy,” said a very British herring, who gave his name simply as Nemo. “One cannot stand by, well, float by, and allow one’s government to get in the way of our patriotic duty to feed dastardly Europeans, what?” 

You can’t argue with that. 

“There’s absolutely no point swimming to a British port, I say,” continued Nemo. “Hardly any British people like us any more. Once, they caught us, smoked us, and called us kippers, old thing. Now the only kippers are the loony nationalists who caused all this fuss. Gave us a bad name, old chap. So I’m off to Denmark with my blue passport instead. Toodle pip, old boy!”

One thing is certain. The whole affair is distinctly fishy. 

POWER NAP ACHIEVEMENT AWARD : Downing Street is under pressure today to reassure Global Britons that their PM is not asleep on the job.

“Although some have suggested it may be better for all concerned if Mr Johnson just slept until the next election, I can confirm that he will not be getting a wink. Unless he’s undertaking scheduled napping,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Those cosplay outfits don’t choose themselves you know.”

The confirmation that Mr Johnson is not sleeping will bring relief to some, who wonder how he gets any sleep at all, in consideration of what he’s responsible for.

And there is both further clarity and understanding in the statements. Especially regarding the immediate collapse of the fishing industry the instant Brexit happened to move from the realms of fantasy and into reality.

“That can be explained by the contents and bold print detail of the Brexit deal Mr Johnson agreed with the EU. Good thing he has sovereign power over trade! Imagine how much pork he will sell to China? How much cheese to Japan? And all without any knowledge of detail. That’s a very stable genius.”

But as a final point of joy for anyone concerned about snags in the new IT systems Britons, and those wishing to trade with them are having to use, the spokesman said the following,

“Mr Johnson wants me to ensure you realise that he didn’t sleep a wink during his famous technology lessons. But he had a bloody good kip right after the climax of the lesson each time.”

PRAWNS IN A BIGGER GAME: Brexit bollocksed fisherman have driven to London in protest. Trade is floundering as their catches are caught up in a net of red tape. 

Many are claiming that they are only flexing their mussels. New export rules brought in at the last minute have not been whelk-omed. They make it almost impossible to sell mussels to Brussels. 

“We have been given the fish finger by the government,” said fisherman Rod Andline, crabbily. “Our catches have a short shelf life. If we can’t get it to market within a day, it’s worthless. Now it’s all tied up in loads of complicated paperwork. Nobody warned us about this! I don’t think the Brexiters who used us as a totem would recognise a fish if John Cleese slapped them into Teddington Lock with one.”

There is weeping and whaling beneath the anger. 

“I’ve spent all my life at sea,” said Andline. “Now it looks like my business will be swimming with the fishes. I’m completely battered by the stupidity of the situation. I’ve had my chips. It’s a wrap, with salt, vinegar, and mushy peas.”

The porpoise of the Rules of Origin is to determine whether you are catching happy British Fish, or miserable foreign ones. 

“If only they came out of the water grinning and waving a Union Jack,” observed Andline. “Now that would warm the cockles. Ever asked a lobster where it was born? There’s always a get-out claws. Every catch is now a catch-22.”

What’s your plan now? 

“I’m going to drop off a large load of nice fresh langoustines at Number Ten for Boris Johnson,” replied Andline. “At least, they were fresh when I caught them last week. Then I’m going to set up a shell company and make a net profit.” 

Fishing for compliments? 

“No, administration,” admitted Andline. “There’s money in them there customs clearance forms!” 

And a final message for Johnson and his team? 

“So long, and thanks for all the fish.” 

PROFITS OF DOOM: Former UKIP and Brexit party stalwart Nigel Farage is just the latest Brexit pusher to attempt to rewrite history. Farage is now trying to claim that the whole thing was a bad idea, and nothing to do with him, honest, guv.

It is remarkable that, only a fortnight into Brexit proper, that Brexiters are falling over themselves to disassociate themselves from Brexit. You would have thought that they knew exactly what they were voting for.

But the outstanding figure is Farage. Many rank-and-file Tories will use the “I was only following orders” defence. Farage has no such luxury. He has forged an entire career out of Brexit, and is now effectively cancelling himself.

“This is a betrayal of Brexit, The British People, well 17.4m of them anyway, The Queen, and the Great British Fish!” said the man himself from his flag-festooned man cave. “I told you so, many times, that this wasn’t Brexit, and that any Brexit was an idiotic notion. But nobody listened. The media didn’t give me the time to argue my case!”

So endless newspaper columns, his own radio show, and a permanent seat on the panel of the long-running weekly BBC flagship satirical show, Question Time, wasn’t enough?

“Nobody realised that I was actually campaigning for closer ties to the EU!” moaned Farage. “Why do you think I became an MEP? The Brexit thing was all a joke, all those pathetic stunts with fish, the rallies and abortive marches which only attracted a handful of idiots? Wasn’t it obvious?”

Yet you formed the Brexit Party to push Brexit.

“And how many seats did we win? None. As usual. I’ve never won,” he said, although whether boasting or complaining wasn’t apparent. “It was obvious Brexit was a non-starter from the start, I made my point, but nobody realised I was only joking!”

And on that note, he mounted his unicorn and galloped back to the sunlit uplands.

TWENTY TWENTY-ONE HINDSIGHT: The many Brexit dividends are coming to light at last. A new political movement has sprung up in response: The I F#@king Told You So Party. 

Patriots from across the political spectrum, excluding the still-blinkered Farageists, have rushed to join. After all, the only way to beat a single issue party is to form a zero issue party. 

Almost unbelievably, the new party has captivated almost three quarters of the public, according to a snap poll by YouDiv. The pollsters report a tangible sense of relief. 

“I’m happy that there is a party that expresses my feelings at last,” remarked a relieved Prudence Physcally. “I, and many other people I know, predicted the public sector squeeze and the huge payouts to Tory donors. This new party validates my sense of outrage.” 

“I knew that the fishing issue was a red herring,” claims maritime expert John Dory. “From that idiot Farage’s stunts to Jacob Rees-Mogg trolling us about ‘happy fish’. They can all get in the sea!” 

“It was obvious that the government has no interest in public health,” grumbled a coughing Vi Rallinfectiion. “There was never an extra £350m a week for the NHS, and total inaction when covid hit. I would love to wash my hands of them!” 

Almost everyone polled had a similar story. 

“I was hearing this message night and day,” said The I F#@king Told You So Party leader Faye Sparm. “The conventional parties have lost their appeal. Farage has lost his relevance. The People have nowhere to turn. We don’t even need policies. All we need to do is respond to the news by saying I F#@king Told You So.”

Sparm also has a plan for when (not if) her party gets into power. 

“What Would Boris Do?” Sparm explained. “Then immediately do the exact opposite of that. That’s the long and short of it.” 

Don’t say you weren’t warned. Say I F#@king Told You So.