Category: Brexit

DUMB BOMBS : The UN has released the updated list today of what are now considered Weapons of Mass Destruction. The list is updated routinely as new technology adds to the array of horrifying firepower possessed by countries around the world.

“This is actually a break in trend,” our WMD analyst reports. “As British Exceptionalism is as old a weapon as the Brown Bess, and in the climate of modern statecraft about as useful when aimed at someone else. Happily though if you point it directly at your feet you can blow them both off.”

And there are other differences to BE in its listing on the WMD list of shame.

“Normally countries develop dangerous weapons with the idea that their enemies will see them as too risky to attack. It’s very unusual for a munition of this potential to be both developed and then dropped on oneself intentionally, and by the government of the country concerned. It’s actually incredibly impressive. The entire UK is ground zero and the shockwaves are felt around the world. Negatively as Coronavirus mutants. But most uniquely, the shockwaves being felt in Europe are also coming in the form of investment and jobs that would once have been in the UK. It’s an amazing weapon.”

But it’s not just the economy that is being blasted to pieces by BE, it’s the health of the nation too.

“Remember when those amateurs from the WHO told the world exactly how to contain the new plague? Based on what they knew at the time, and regularly updated? And the UK government had the example of China and several large, industrialised European countries on what to do, and not to do? And we just shrugged, because we’re British. This is because the UK had just re-elected the living personification of British Exceptionalism, and he was able to detonate himself in unison with the virus. And just look at the damage! Amazing. And even more amazing is the fact that no matter how much damage he does, he is allowed to re-explode each day. This is one of the most powerful dumb bombs ever to be set off. And no one seems willing to defuse it!”

British Exceptionalism, it started as a weapon of mass distraction and it ended up as a weapon of mass destruction. The people in UK politics, their overseas backers, and our compliant media must be very proud. It continues to be an exceptional effort.

FACT OR FRICTION: Great news! British travellers planning to use their nice shiny new blue passports this summer for an overseas holiday, will have the added bonus of free paperwork. 

This was vigorously denied by the government fall guy of the day. “British citizens taking a well deserved break this year will not have to complete any extra forms,” said the empty cipher, surrounded by fake bookcases and Union Jacks. “They may have to sign a disclaimer, it is true, but it’s nothing out of the ordinary, we have been entirely clear about this, think about the sovereignty. Sovereignty, I say!” 

The official shifty denial more or less confirmed that the opposite was true. 

“We’re screwed, if you want me to be perfectly honest,” countered travel agent Benny Dorm. “Nobody is booking holidays this year anyway, and if they did, there would be visas to collect, negative covid tests to be delivered and double checked, duty declarations, ham sandwich inspections, and a hundred other considerations.” 

This all ignores the official position on overseas holidays. Summarised briefly, it says,” Don’t book a holiday. Unless you really want to. Even then, don’t go, or do go if you like. It’s a free country, we aren’t going to boss you about, you’re British, you’re above all this petty intransigence. Rule Britannia!” 

Nothing could be clearer. Uncertainty is the only certainty. 

“I have to tell my customers that they must pay up front,” grumbled Dorm. “And no refunds. And they have to fill in reams of paperwork. And their holiday might be cancelled at short notice. And even if they do go away, on their return they will be obliged to quarantine at a cost of £1750 per person. It’s not good for business.” 

With that, Dorm packed his personal effects, turned off the lights, locked the door, and left. 

Welcome to Brexit Britain! 

FISHY FINGERS : The leader of the free world, Boris Johnson, has a lot on his plate these days. What with overseeing a catastrophic response to a pandemic that has seen over 110,000+ of his voters perish, and avoiding accountability for that. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have time for diplomacy.

Whether it’s privately reassuring US administration officials that he will not let Michael Gove destroy peace in Northern Ireland, or enduring the smooth flow of arms to Saudi Arabia, his Midas touch can deal with it all swiftly, and with little attention to the detail required for long term solutions.

“And he can still find time between the morning’s glass of champagne and the mid morning tipple to spare a thought for the EU,” an invented 10 Downing Street source credibly told LCD Views.

For it seems the EU are increasingly desperate for what the U.K. manufacturererers, and daily more concerned that they won’t be able to get their needy hands a hold of it.

“This is because of the lack of thought they gave to the deal they agreed with the U.K.,” the source continues. “They spent the last several years engaging with the temporary stooges placed in Downing Street by international feudalists as if the U.K. was still a functioning representative democracy who could tie its own shoelaces. Rather than calling us out on what was an obvious load of bollocks from the start. They’ve really only themselves to blame. They’ve certainly not done the voters of the U.K. any favours by going along with the Brexit farce. History will judge them harshly. But we’ve got to deal with today.”

It’s a good thing that Mr Johnson is at the helm.

“It’s essentially like dealing with spoilt children. And Boris knows all about those. He’s been one all his life. He is advised by them. He appoints them to his cabinet. He plays dress up whenever he wants, regardless of what chores need doing, just like a spoilt child too. He can deal with the whining EU. He’s got the skill set.”

But what will he do? Whatever it is he needs to do it fast. The pandemic will only conceal the damage caused by Brexit for long. Sooner or later daylight is going to break through.

“It’s really very simple,” the source shrugged. “He’s going to remind the EU they need us more than we need them. That’ll fix it and fix it fast.”

GOING DOWN DOWN DOWN : MICHAEL GOVE was responsible for preparing British business for Brexit, and it’s fair to say Michael Gove gave himself to the preparations as much as anyone could have, who was in a rush to get Brexit.

But in spite of the titanic efforts of Gove, and the rest of the leading lights in government, it appears that many British businesses didn’t properly prepare for Brexit.

“Beats me,” an aide to Rupert Murdoch’s preferred prime minister told LCD Views. “For five years people were warning British businesses that Brexit would bankrupt them. It’s not Michael’s fault that many failed to appoint administrators.”

And it’s not just preparing to go out of business that many British businesses failed to do. Many also it seems believed the things told to them by Michael Gove.

“I mean, these people must be insane! It’s no wonder they’re not ready for bankruptcy. Who on Earth would believe a bloody thing Gove says? Have they not been paying attention? What complete and utter idiocy. You’d have to have stuffed your ears with daydreams not to realise he just does not care and you can not believe him. It would be a mass display of charming naivety if it wasn’t so serious.”

But what now for all those export and import businesses who find themselves drowning in the red tape that everyone knew would apply to a third country? Which is what the UK demanded it became.

“They have to believe harder in Brexit,” the source shrugs. “If they don’t Gove will berate them for not doing it. Just believe in Brexit. Really, really hard. So hard your teeth catch fire under the pressure, carbonise and then turn into diamonds.”

That ought to do it.

GETTING A GOVE ON : The UK’s prime minister in waiting, Michael Gove, has fired a shot across the bowels of the EU.

The decision to get hot and heavy has not been influenced by narcotics, unless you include heavy hits of denial of reality.

“Michael thinks it’s high time the U.K. flexed it’s muscles in Europe,” a spokesman for an international pharmaceutical importer told LCD Views. “That’s why he’s threatening to use the UK’s veto over EU laws and decision making.”

Critics have been quick to point out that the U.K. threw away its powerful veto card along with its fishing industry, international reputation and collective bargaining power when it got Brexit done, but that’s no obstacle to Gove.

“So? Gove governs the U.K. successfully by gaslight. That’s nearly 70m people. I think he can handle the few dozen that make up the EU commission.”

The strategy it seems is to pretend the U.K. still has its seat at the EU’s decision making table. If we show enough self-belief they’ll just fall into line.

“We’re demanding the EU not treat us like a third country, even though we demanded the EU make us a third country. So to now waltz into Brussels and act like we still hold the power of a first country, because we’re British, will see them so confused they’ll agree to anything. Classic Gove. Don’t let your enemy believe any words or actions have any meanings, especially not the meaning you yourself previously applied to them. Just keep their heads spinning.”

It’s believed the strategy will quickly solve the customs border issues in Northern Ireland, without the ridiculous necessity of the U.K. government taking responsibility for its own decisions.

“Remember, once we leave the EU we hold all the cards. And that includes our veto over their decisions.”

THE CALEDONIAN MERLOT : DOWNING STREET HAVE FINALLY responded to the increasingly desperate cries of Scottish fishermen with some sound and pragmatic advice.

Speaking at a meet and greet with industry representatives, fisherman’s friend and Environmental Secretary George Useless, was ready for whatever they threw at him, be it a dead langoustine or a rotting halibut.

“There’s an emerging market in the United Kingdom for affordable wine,” he told the bearded men, “Brexit looks set to price the French out of our domestic market, except for high net worth individuals like myself and Stanley Johnson. Back to the future you could say, as with all things Brexit!”

When asked what he was talking about specifically Mr Useless said, “Why, wine of course! You can retrain as vintners. Much less risk than sailing the high seas in all weathers. Take a leaf out of the book of ballerinas. They’re retraining in cyber and will all be coders by the weekend. You can do the same, only with vines.”

In order to give the fishermen a leg up it is said the government is providing a support package of £5.99 per fishermen who turns his hand to wine.

“As visionary statesman John Redwood says, there’s a demand that we grow our own and our prevailing climate be damned! Believe in Britain!”

It’s unclear how many fishermen will take up the call, but it’s clear the opportunity is there, with as much as £1.50 expected to go onto a bottle of French plonk now Brexit is done.

“We’ll even provide geographical status for the industry. English sparkling for Kent and full bottled Scottish Cabernet Sauvignon across the entirety of the Highlands.”

BREXIT FESTIVAL IN NAME ONLY: The organisers of the much-unheralded Festival of Brexit have pleaded for more time to prepare.

This ‘transition period’ will be used to ensure expectations have been suitably adjusted. But there may be another reason, according to Festival organiser Ant E. Clymacks.

“Remember the Great Exhibition of 1851?” asked Clymacks. “Well no, obviously you don’t, unless you are undead like Jacob Rees-Mogg. But the Festival of Britain was only in 1951, and people remember that!”

That may be true, but Clymacks soon came to the point.

“1851, 1951, see?” he said. “The next big festival isn’t due until 2051.”

Speaking of Jacob Rees-Mogg, he is famously on record for claiming that we wouldn’t know the  ‘full economic consequences for a very long time’ and that ‘the overwhelming opportunity for Brexit is over the next 50 years’.

“Yes, that’s another reason of course,” gushed Clymacks. “By 2051 we will be reaping the kind of rewards that Mr Rees-Mogg was so shy about defining.”

How are preparations going?

“It’s a slow process,” admitted Clymacks. “Roger Daltrey has refused to guarantee that he will still be alive enough to open proceedings. We have managed to secure a display of Happy British Fish, but unfortunately they are tied up in red tape somewhere on the motorway network, and won’t arrive until late next year.”

Have you decided on a venue yet?

“The Millennium Dome is the obvious choice,” said Clymacks. “We managed to hire it, for as long as we like, whenever we like, for £50 a week. Boris Johnson has personally guaranteed the price and availability, so we are currently looking at other options.”

It’s clear that there will be a lot to organise. Food, displays, toilets, transport, social distancing measures…

“And we have the money,” said Clymacks. “Except… well, we don’t. It was paid out promptly to the patron of the Festival, but he has since been unavailable. Still, we found a rare Brexit 50p coin the other day, so it’s not all doom and gloom!”

And hiring all the necessary equipment from the EU takes a very long time now.

FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: British fishing has all but ceased after the Brexit debacle. Small wonder that the fish are so happy. In return, the fish have collectively decided to rescue Brexit by offering themselves as a sacrifice. 

Unconfirmed reports claim that British Fish have been leaping out of the water into fishing nets. Many fishermen on the North European coast are telling tales about this strange new behaviour. 

“I was most alarmed at first,” said German fisherman Rudi Wakening. “Hundreds of mackerel, each wearing a top hat and waving a Union Jack, jumped straight into the fish store on my boat. Several of them said, ‘Chin chin, old bean!’ and gave me a cheeky wink!” 

It was the same on the French coast. 

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said an unbelieving Didi Tappen. “Pipe smoking pin striped langoustines simply threw themselves at me, shouting ‘What ho, isn’t this a jolly lark!’ I started to wonder if I wasn’t smoking something dodgy too!” 

This story was so intriguing, that LCD Views sought out a fish whisperer to interview one of the piscine patriots. 

“We decided it was time to act, old boy,” said a very British herring, who gave his name simply as Nemo. “One cannot stand by, well, float by, and allow one’s government to get in the way of our patriotic duty to feed dastardly Europeans, what?” 

You can’t argue with that. 

“There’s absolutely no point swimming to a British port, I say,” continued Nemo. “Hardly any British people like us any more. Once, they caught us, smoked us, and called us kippers, old thing. Now the only kippers are the loony nationalists who caused all this fuss. Gave us a bad name, old chap. So I’m off to Denmark with my blue passport instead. Toodle pip, old boy!”

One thing is certain. The whole affair is distinctly fishy. 

POWER NAP ACHIEVEMENT AWARD : Downing Street is under pressure today to reassure Global Britons that their PM is not asleep on the job.

“Although some have suggested it may be better for all concerned if Mr Johnson just slept until the next election, I can confirm that he will not be getting a wink. Unless he’s undertaking scheduled napping,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Those cosplay outfits don’t choose themselves you know.”

The confirmation that Mr Johnson is not sleeping will bring relief to some, who wonder how he gets any sleep at all, in consideration of what he’s responsible for.

And there is both further clarity and understanding in the statements. Especially regarding the immediate collapse of the fishing industry the instant Brexit happened to move from the realms of fantasy and into reality.

“That can be explained by the contents and bold print detail of the Brexit deal Mr Johnson agreed with the EU. Good thing he has sovereign power over trade! Imagine how much pork he will sell to China? How much cheese to Japan? And all without any knowledge of detail. That’s a very stable genius.”

But as a final point of joy for anyone concerned about snags in the new IT systems Britons, and those wishing to trade with them are having to use, the spokesman said the following,

“Mr Johnson wants me to ensure you realise that he didn’t sleep a wink during his famous technology lessons. But he had a bloody good kip right after the climax of the lesson each time.”

PRAWNS IN A BIGGER GAME: Brexit bollocksed fisherman have driven to London in protest. Trade is floundering as their catches are caught up in a net of red tape. 

Many are claiming that they are only flexing their mussels. New export rules brought in at the last minute have not been whelk-omed. They make it almost impossible to sell mussels to Brussels. 

“We have been given the fish finger by the government,” said fisherman Rod Andline, crabbily. “Our catches have a short shelf life. If we can’t get it to market within a day, it’s worthless. Now it’s all tied up in loads of complicated paperwork. Nobody warned us about this! I don’t think the Brexiters who used us as a totem would recognise a fish if John Cleese slapped them into Teddington Lock with one.”

There is weeping and whaling beneath the anger. 

“I’ve spent all my life at sea,” said Andline. “Now it looks like my business will be swimming with the fishes. I’m completely battered by the stupidity of the situation. I’ve had my chips. It’s a wrap, with salt, vinegar, and mushy peas.”

The porpoise of the Rules of Origin is to determine whether you are catching happy British Fish, or miserable foreign ones. 

“If only they came out of the water grinning and waving a Union Jack,” observed Andline. “Now that would warm the cockles. Ever asked a lobster where it was born? There’s always a get-out claws. Every catch is now a catch-22.”

What’s your plan now? 

“I’m going to drop off a large load of nice fresh langoustines at Number Ten for Boris Johnson,” replied Andline. “At least, they were fresh when I caught them last week. Then I’m going to set up a shell company and make a net profit.” 

Fishing for compliments? 

“No, administration,” admitted Andline. “There’s money in them there customs clearance forms!” 

And a final message for Johnson and his team? 

“So long, and thanks for all the fish.”