Category: Brexit

IF YOU’D ONLY SAID SOMETHING : A powerful group of Conservative MPs have slammed the now defunct Remain movement for not sufficiently warning about the dangers of Brexit.

The move comes as the harm caused by the United Kingdom’s decision to leave the EU grows daily and it is feared will soon swamp the UK’s system of government.

“If only they’d taken the time to point out why jumping headfirst into an industrial sized woodchipper was a bad idea,” Cumblefookwit Sythe-Pinchmore, MP for Himself, told LCD Views. “Nothing. Zilch. All they did was go for a few weekend walks and wave flags about. I didn’t hear anything about the blindingly obvious consequences of jumping into a pool of hungry sharks holding a steak. Did you?”

What the Remain movement will make of the condemnation isn’t entirely clear, with both main English political parties still justifying Brexit as a concept.

“We should raise a special remainer tax so the people whose responsibility it was to point out that sticking your head into a live wasps nest while singing Elgar was a bad idea can pay for Brexit. I’ll be drafting a private member’s bill to this end, just as soon as I can get my hands on some crayons and butcher’s paper.”

Other Conservative MPs are being more proactive, however, with the ERG once again morphing into a new parliamentary grouping. It will continue to be focused on “research”, which hitherto doesn’t seem to have produced anything but a bit of a grift on the public purse for no intelligence.

“The BRG will be different,” an ERG/BRG spokesman reassured. “The Blame Research Group will be highly motivated to solving the looming difficulty of how to blame other people for the downsides of our political project. Especially how to blame exactly the people who said don’t do it.”

WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE DOUCHEBAG CLAPPING : THE UK’S FIERCELESS VIRUS BREEDER BORIS JOHNSON IS TO TURN HIS ATTENTION BACK TO HIS OTHER GREAT AND DISEASED PROJECT, BREXIT, SUNDAY NIGHT.

“Boris, or Al to his friends, so not you, is going to lead a clap for Brexit because it needs all the help it can get,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, on the condition we didn’t tell you.

It seems the element of surprise will be key to make a success of the Clap for Brexit.

“Some said he should launch a campaign to give everyone the clap for Brexit, but his current squeeze didn’t seem to keen, as it would mean he would have to go out and get the clap first. And she didn’t see that in the small print when she signed the contract for the gig! Mind you, he may still do that in his spare time. Who knows! Just Boris being Boris! So funny. Why not make a serial arsehat prime minister? I mean, what could go wrong?”

The clap will be a national event and you are encouraged to go and stand on that well trodden doorstep of yours again at 8pm and clap like you’ve never clapped before.

“The hope is that Brussels will hear the clap if everyone synchronises and mashes their palms together for Brexit at 8pm, and then immediately mashes their face into the nearest brick wall. Which will be Brexit in interpretive dance. Classic.”

Clap for Brexit tomorrow night, because if you don’t, who will?

SMOKE ME A KIPPER, I’LL BE BACK FOR BREAKFAST: There’s something distinctly fishy going on. Patriotic Brits are being asked not just to eat more British Fish, but to adopt them as pets.

Every man, woman and child is to present themselves at a bosky fishing village, to collect their very own herring, wrapped in a Union Jack. The fish are to be taken home, and cherished as a memento of the industry Brexit has done so much to destroy.

The programme is to be called “Herring Aid”.

Up and down the length of the country, you will see people out, walking their herring. You can train them to fetch sticks, catch mice, and say “sausages”.

The herring will accompany children as they go about their education. They will serve as a very present reminder that English Fish must be celebrated at all times. In order for the children to concentrate on their lessons, without being distracted, the fish will be put into schools of herring.

Some of the more observant readers may have spotted a small technical detail. Herring live in the sea, and not many of us have a surrogate ocean at home. Government officials advise either smoking the poor fish, or pickling them in vinegar. It is then your patriotic duty to obtain a replacement. 

Smoking fish is easy. You hang them up in your kitchen, light a fire, and wait. Your house may burn down, but home smoked kippers are delicious. 

It’s a pretty good metaphor for Brexit. 

These frequent trips to the coast to replace dead herring have been deemed essential. There is nothing more important during a pandemic than propping up the fishing industry. 

And if the fishing industry goes down the pan, then obviously you weren’t patriotic enough. The whole adopt a fish idea is a red herring. 

YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUR OUR BI-VALVES ADMIT IT : A DOWNING STREET SOURCE has gone off the broken record this morning and revealed the intellectual powerhouses nested in 10 Downing Street believe the EU is ready to crack.

“Where are they now? The thinking in 10 Downing Street is that the EU is bereft. Without the calm and pragmatic leadership of the British elite they are lost. Essentially stumbling about a darkened room looking for a light switch,” the source says.

While publicly the EU27 leaders are doing a good job of holding it together, behind closed doors it’s mostly one fantasy building project after another to distract from their failures.

“How many millionaires have they made out of PPE? It’s a joke. The EU wide procurement projects have left friends of ministers stunned. Whereas in the UK you can just send a Whatsapp to a government figure and your unrelated factory is out of administration, just like that.”

It’s also believed life for the EU is just not as much fun without the UK’s elite.

“They have these, frankly boring, discussions with the US. We’re gonna sort this out and that. We’re not going to run NATO down. We’re going to…zzzz…what they need is someone like Boris with mad hair spouting half remembered classical Greek, inappropriately, while dressed as King Arthur as a mountain of avoidable death grows under his feet thanks to an inability to understand you have to put public health first in a pandemic to save your economy.”

And of course the elephant in everyone’s room, Brexit.

“It’s becoming a serious crisis on the EU side. While we sit here and wait they are frantically re-ordering supply chains to a market of half a billion people and pulling their hair out wondering where to put all the financial business leaving London. It’s not good.”

But it seems Downing Street isn’t yet in the mood to have the EU back.

“Boris is going to wait until they’ve properly cracked and begged us to come back and re-open negotiations. The food shortages next winter. The hyper-inflation to come. The collapse of the housing market. That’s the time to strike. When the UK is tumescent and ripe.”

KARMIC AVALANCHE : NOW THAT THE UNITED KINGDOM IS FINALLY FREE TO TAKE IT’S PLACE IN THE 19TH CENTURY AS A FULLY SOVEREIGN, INDEPENDENT, BUCCANEERING, GLOBAL TRADING, RED TAPE SLASHING, JAM AND PORK PRODUCT EXPORTING, ALTERNATIVE ARRANGEMENTS BORDER MANUFACTURERING SUPERPOWER OFF THE COAST OF CONTINENTAL EUROPE YOU’D THINK EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPY. Especially Brexiters.

But not so.

In spite of the ferocious analysis, research and preparation for mass manipulation of public attitudes, and some minor electoral crime, in preparation for Brexit, it seems now that we’re free no one is happy with it.

“I’m shocked,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Boris is stunned too. Carrie is rocked. Dylin the prop dog can barely leave the cupboard he’s kept in between photoshoots. It’s all incredibly confusing. Johnson was so concerned he is rumoured to have already asked Gove to set up a unit and find someone, anyone who is happy with it.”

The unit, nicknamed ‘Bollocks’ by SPADS, is said to have been in operation for several weeks already.

“They’ve scoured the land to find ordinary people, business people, MPs even, really anyone prepared to be the face of a mass advertising campaign saying how happy they are with Brexit. Nothing. Nada. Null. Zilch. Zero.”

But in spite of the initial failure in the UK to find someone who is happy, there is a potential line to follow, and not the usual ones for Gove.

“He’s asked the Unit to go to Amsterdam, as soon as the pandemic eases, and interview people there in financial services. He’ll probably find some Dutch that are happy with Brexit. Basically we’ll get a bunch of grinning EU27 people to appear in the campaign. Many of them have seen their business gain exponentially from Brexit. They’ll be happy to tell us how great it is. Then the great British public, especially those famous internationalists who support Brexit, will see how we’ve made a success of it.”

Like everything related to Brexit, this can’t fail.

SPOON FOR A SHOVEL : Some people dream small and accomplish small things. Some people dream big, very big, and accomplish nothing. Luckily for Global Britons their prime minister Boris Johnson is a big dreamer.

“But the EU isn’t so fortunate,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They have to deal with the result of Johnson’s big dreams. And they best watch out because when it comes to giant schemes Boris punches above his weight.”

And the latest wheeze, rolled out by chance over the weekend, when not enough focus was on whether or not Matt Hancock should resign, concerns the EU directly.

“They’re so boring. They insist on thinking the way to get a multi-nation union to work together is constant agreement on a shared set of rules and values. Whereas Boris knows it’s acquisition of executive power, bullshit and silencing of dissent that does it. But they don’t learn. They keep banging on about rules for this and rules for that. They’re quietly decimating our export industries. The big girly swots. Johnson has a plan though to get under all that. They won’t see it coming, because they don’t read or speak English. We all know that.”

The details of the latest plan to distract from a minister who should be sacked haven’t yet been fully worked out, but what is known is that Britain is building. Britain is digging and it’s going to keep digging.

“Johnson is personally going to break ground on a tunnel that will take British exports directly under all those boring EU trade rules. The great mole is going to show them, or rather, not show them.”

And where does the tunnel end? What’s on the other side?

“Boris Johnson is on the other side! Once he finishes digging he’ll pop up like magic on the other side of the EU trade rules and all our exporters will magically follow him.”

LORD PENNYWISE WILL SEE YOU NOW : Downing Street has caved today and come clean over the reason for its reluctance to publish the impact assessment on Boris Johnson’s world beating trade deal with the EU. You know it. It got Brexit done.

“Are you insane?” a Downing Street staffer told LCD Views. “It’s a horror show. Fishing is stuffed, like so fast, even before we can get away from the scene of the crime. Financial services, our economy’s GOLDEN GOOSE, are going to migrate to the EU and New York until there’s not even an iron pyrite duckling left. Forget farms. Don’t even think about the entertainment industry. Law and order? Ha! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”

But while the people responsible on the British side for the negotiating positions that saw the deal birthed like a malformed turd from the devil’s backside maybe confident of making a success of it, not everyone shares their optimism.

“WHY NOT?” the staffer demanded, now trembling on the floor, arms around their knees and rocking.

“We can’t tell the great British people what they voted for as it’s a flaming disaster. Let them find out. If we can keep the pandemic going for the next decade then THEY NEVER NEED TO KNOW ANYWAY!!!! Please. Can I have a pony? I want to ride a pony. By the seashore. Sheesure. NEYYYYYY!”

Eventually though, the truth has to come out, regardless of the madness that caused it.

“We can’t publish the impact assessment. We can’t afford the paper its printed on. We gave all the money to mates of Matt Hancock and Dominic Cummings for non-existent PPE! Seashells by the seashore. SHE SHELLS PPE BY THE SEASHORE.”

We thought it best to leave him to it.

FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:  Wetherspoons, the popular budget shithole for undiscerning Brexiters, has been forced to close. This is a result of people power. Democracy is alive and kicking.

Brexity ‘Spoons supremo Tim Martin has broken cover recently to complain about his profits. In an effort to back Brexit, he decided to serve Happy British Fish instead of that foreign muck in his pubs. This did not go down well.

“I don’t know much about food, but I know what I like!” bellowed former regular Carl Sberg. ”When I go to ‘Spoons, I want proper fish and chips, not something Frenchy with bleedin’ shells on! I ask you. This isn’t what we voted for!”

Unfortunately Carl, it’s exactly what you voted for.

This was the story up and down the land. Nobody could convince the hardcore ‘Spooners that mussels were, in fact, British, and cod was foreign.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Martin immediately set out on a crusade, to reassure customers that all was well. Unfortunately for him, “More mussels than Brussels!” did not prove to be a winning slogan.

Desperater times call for desperater measures. Martin decided to go on TV and force feed live oysters to his daughter.

Unsurprisingly this didn’t work either, a mutiny by young Miss Martin being a decisive factor.

There was nothing left but to apportion blame. “We used to buy and sell loads of fish, so what has changed?” he bleated. “It’s the evil EU, treating us like the third country we insisted on becoming. Who won the war, that’s what I want to know. Don’t they realise that we are British?”

Nothing to do with the fact that British palates just aren’t, in the main, accustomed to langoustines and other weird seafood.

The only winners are the shellfish. With the fishing fleet entangled in red tape, our crabs and lobsters are grinning from ear to ear. Well they would be if they had ears. And if they could grin.

DUMB BOMBS : The UN has released the updated list today of what are now considered Weapons of Mass Destruction. The list is updated routinely as new technology adds to the array of horrifying firepower possessed by countries around the world.

“This is actually a break in trend,” our WMD analyst reports. “As British Exceptionalism is as old a weapon as the Brown Bess, and in the climate of modern statecraft about as useful when aimed at someone else. Happily though if you point it directly at your feet you can blow them both off.”

And there are other differences to BE in its listing on the WMD list of shame.

“Normally countries develop dangerous weapons with the idea that their enemies will see them as too risky to attack. It’s very unusual for a munition of this potential to be both developed and then dropped on oneself intentionally, and by the government of the country concerned. It’s actually incredibly impressive. The entire UK is ground zero and the shockwaves are felt around the world. Negatively as Coronavirus mutants. But most uniquely, the shockwaves being felt in Europe are also coming in the form of investment and jobs that would once have been in the UK. It’s an amazing weapon.”

But it’s not just the economy that is being blasted to pieces by BE, it’s the health of the nation too.

“Remember when those amateurs from the WHO told the world exactly how to contain the new plague? Based on what they knew at the time, and regularly updated? And the UK government had the example of China and several large, industrialised European countries on what to do, and not to do? And we just shrugged, because we’re British. This is because the UK had just re-elected the living personification of British Exceptionalism, and he was able to detonate himself in unison with the virus. And just look at the damage! Amazing. And even more amazing is the fact that no matter how much damage he does, he is allowed to re-explode each day. This is one of the most powerful dumb bombs ever to be set off. And no one seems willing to defuse it!”

British Exceptionalism, it started as a weapon of mass distraction and it ended up as a weapon of mass destruction. The people in UK politics, their overseas backers, and our compliant media must be very proud. It continues to be an exceptional effort.

FACT OR FRICTION: Great news! British travellers planning to use their nice shiny new blue passports this summer for an overseas holiday, will have the added bonus of free paperwork. 

This was vigorously denied by the government fall guy of the day. “British citizens taking a well deserved break this year will not have to complete any extra forms,” said the empty cipher, surrounded by fake bookcases and Union Jacks. “They may have to sign a disclaimer, it is true, but it’s nothing out of the ordinary, we have been entirely clear about this, think about the sovereignty. Sovereignty, I say!” 

The official shifty denial more or less confirmed that the opposite was true. 

“We’re screwed, if you want me to be perfectly honest,” countered travel agent Benny Dorm. “Nobody is booking holidays this year anyway, and if they did, there would be visas to collect, negative covid tests to be delivered and double checked, duty declarations, ham sandwich inspections, and a hundred other considerations.” 

This all ignores the official position on overseas holidays. Summarised briefly, it says,” Don’t book a holiday. Unless you really want to. Even then, don’t go, or do go if you like. It’s a free country, we aren’t going to boss you about, you’re British, you’re above all this petty intransigence. Rule Britannia!” 

Nothing could be clearer. Uncertainty is the only certainty. 

“I have to tell my customers that they must pay up front,” grumbled Dorm. “And no refunds. And they have to fill in reams of paperwork. And their holiday might be cancelled at short notice. And even if they do go away, on their return they will be obliged to quarantine at a cost of £1750 per person. It’s not good for business.” 

With that, Dorm packed his personal effects, turned off the lights, locked the door, and left. 

Welcome to Brexit Britain!