Category: Brexit

WE ARE A SECURE NATION : A deep dive study into Brexit and how it could have been prevented has released an interim report today to reveal the findings so far.

The study has been conducted by a world famous team at The University of Heads Hitting Walls. Lead researcher on the project Professor Exasperation agreed to talk to us and lay out what he and his team have discovered.

“Brexit is only a surface project. In terms of what is said about it by Brexiteers. Clearly the real agenda is a new age of feudalism with Great Britain as the epicentre. The only industry will be money laundering. Everything else will be imported and the people can starve, so long as they toil for their lords. But the serfs may not have voted marginally for that, even with the illegal overspends which ensured the ref result secure and democratic. So the Brexiters lied through their teeth and are still lying through their teeth today, and bafflingly the official opposition is still going along with it.”

At this point we had to interrupt the Professor and explain to him he was now Professor Boring. He apologised and got to the point.

“Look. It’s perfectly obvious. Brexit was won on slogans. On appeals to the emotion. On digging into and bigging up misremembered history bleeding into nostalgia for a time when 1% of Brits ruled half the world. Thus if the EU had been smarter they could just have swallowed the bitter pill of renaming the European Court of Justice to The British Court of Justice. That way the Brexit voting demographic in the British populace would have assumed they ruled Europe and everyone would have forgotten about it.”

That’s more like it.

“I blame Europe. They could have saved us from ourselves by just changing one single word. That’s because we’re exceptional.”

SOWING AND WEEPING : Humans need certainty and British farmers are humans. Happily for them the UK government has realised this and acted on the responsibility to provide them with certainty in the post-Brexit period.

“We’re going to make them unemployed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “George Useless is on the case. We didn’t recruit him from UKIP because he was a genius. It’s clear also that humans need a narrative, so we’ll be providing one of those also. It will change daily. You can be certain of it.”

But it’s not all sowing and weeping for the UK’s agricultural sector as George and the other brainiacs are full of helpful suggestions of paths forward through the tangled thickets of Brexit.

“They can retrain as fishermen. Similar sort of occupation. Earthy. Out in the wind and rain. Enjoying the cool breezes under the blazing sun. Still working with their hands. Still putting food on the table. Or if they want a radical change they can retrain as ballerinas. Fatima has left dance to become a coding whiz. Plenty of openings in the theatres. And thanks to our mismanagement of the pandemic, plenty of closings too. Ripe for regrowth. It’s all been taken care of.”

It’s also clear that what is also being taken care of, daily, is Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s weird and intensely corrosive drive to destroy anyone who put faith in him.

“At least now we can claim a win for Brexit. We have taken our newly recovered sovereignty as a free trading nation off the coast of the failing EU superstate, converted it into a pistol and shot our farmers in both feet. That’s a Brexiters way of saying thank you.”

ONE DAY AT A TIME : Great news for British farmers today as the government looks set to offer them the same long term security they have provided the fishing Industry.

“I can assure every producer of beef and lamb in the country that the prime minister’s massive overproduction of horse and bullshit will only augment the productivity of their green and pleasant pastures,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman will tell the sector later today.

“It is a simple matter of news cycle management. Mr Johnson delayed placing India on the red list until it was too late to keep the Indian variant out of the United Kingdom. The logic for this was fair play. He didn’t place Kent on any international travel lists late last year, as he was delaying lockdown and tens of thousands of people died. But he’s kept his job. This allows him now to sacrifice yours for news cycle management. He thanks you for your willingness to vote for the Conservative Party, in spite of all the glaring evidence over years that you’re essentially sacrificial lambs. But only when the time is right.”

The statement will be viewed as a relief by the UK’s meat producers who will soon have the opportunity to retrain as either “fishermen or ballerinas.” Although cyber should also be considered.

But critics of the PM’s decision to place short term political gain over the security of the UK’s food supply are concerned that one or two vital elements are missing from the deal Ms Truss has drafted.

“There must be a strict condition that all live imports of beef and sheep are wrapped in Union Flags. It’s about the optics. Bankrupt farmers UC applications must also be printed on Union Flag patterned paper. So long as everything appears patriotic we can do what we like with the populace. Just ask the Red Wall! Last time we were in power we demolished their economies and look at the voting patterns now. Ha!”

There are currently no plans for further photo shoots featuring the PM in rural landscapes.

LIFT THE VEIL : Downing Street is in classic bullish mood today and ready to hit back at the churlish EU!

The fighting stance comes after a late night drinking session in which Bollinger was preferred by the Prime Minister and his guests over English sparkling wine. For the event the Prime Minister wore an ensemble that had been left in a Yorkshire hedge for a year. Shoes were supplied by an Italian artisan cobbler and reassuringly the left foot was worn on the right and vice versa.

“The Prime Minister even wore tails for the event. Donkey tails as that was closest to hand in the dressing up box.”

It is rumoured that at one point in the rousing event the tail came lose from the Prime Minister’s outfit and all had a very merry time chasing him around the £2.6m media room in an attempt to pin it back on.

“Carrie eventually got the tail back on the old boy by laying a trap involving a vintage Playboy. We can’t disclose further details.”

But it wasn’t all matters of state and fizz, there was time for the usual party games.

“It was sometime around 2am that Lord Frost asked if they could play ‘What are we blaming on the EU today!’, which is a favoured part of any gathering at 10 Downing Street.”

Initially it was thought that blaming the spread of the Indian Variant to Yorkshire on Brussels would be a hoot. Although some were said to favour hanging the blame for the 14th century Black Death plagues on Macron.

“It was finally decided to take inspiration from Lord Frost’s commanding appearance before that boring select committee of meddling villeins yesterday and blame the EU for hiding the benefits of Brexit from the U.K.”

This is thought to make perfect sense as “the EU27 are the only ones enjoying any visible Brexit benefits. Which just goes to show the depths to which they will sink to undermine the swill of the British people.”

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : Deep concern across the United Kingdom today that Dido Harding is suffering from overwork after she was rumoured to have been hired to track and trace the benefits of Brexit.

Fingers are even being pointed at the Prime Minister and questions asked over whether or not he should hire Ms Harding a bigger team of management consultants? While the UK Gov retains the capacity to print money it would be possible to print whatever is required. After all, those offshore bank accounts aren’t going to just fill themselves. It is a politically viable strategy in the short to medium term too, as local authority budgets can be further squeezed and they can levy greater local taxes to fill in any holes created by central government.

“It will be okay,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The Indian variant will soon be in all corners of the country and there will be no need to carry on looking for it, as it will be everywhere. Thus the crack team of bloodhounds can turn to locating Brexit benefits.”

In spite of Downing Street’s confident demeanour the tracking and tracing of Brexit benefits will not just be a domestic issue and will require international travel. This is surprisingly difficult in a pandemic, although government is said to be up to the task or risking it.

“Admittedly all the benefits of Brexit so far are international,” the source says, before shrugging. “Trillions in trading have left London for EU and US destinations. The fishing industry is stuffed, presumably to the advantage of the Scandinavians? Who knows. Someone will have to look into that. We can add it to Dido’s to do list. It will only need a budget increase of a few more billions to get the answers. Maybe.”

The one big advantage Ms Harding will have is that so far only Australia, New Zealand and a few other countries no one talks about have banned incoming travel from the UK. Thus she doesn’t need to look there. But for anyone concerned that Ms Harding may again come up with empty hands in spite of the money spent, Downing Street has a fall back position.

“We’ll just lie about it. If that doesn’t work we’ll blame the Europeans. It worked to get Brexit done, presumably if we just keep blagging we can make a success of it. We already drafted a press release claiming that British air is only oxygenated because of Brexit.”

FROST IS ON THE WAY : The UK’s blazing comet of incompetence Lord Frost will be coming your way. Having failed to find any benefits to Brexit under the rock he crawled out from, in order to get a fancy title, he’s now widening his search.

“He’s going to walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more,” an aide to the lost Lord told LCD Views. “Well when I say walk, he’ll be chauffeur driven at public expense. But it amounts to the same thing in the end. He will get the job done.”

And the job needs doing, for in spite of getting Brexit done legally and ending the transition period in the middle of a pandemic, the land isn’t overflowing with Brexit benefits.

“Mostly it’s the churlish EU’s fault,” the aide clarified, “there’s a growing concern they’re intentionally hiding Brexit benefits from us. Which is a distinct possibility, given they seem to be the only ones enjoying any. They really should grow up and share.”

In the meantime, the Brexit front man will be ringing your doorbell.

“It’s possible you may have an unknown Brexit benefit behind your sofa. Even underneath it. It’s just as no one knows what they look like you haven’t been able to indentify it. Even when you drag it out with the hoover, before shoving it back under as too hard to deal with.”

Homeowners are asked to address Lord Frost by his full title when he darkens their doors too.

“He’s very particular about that. Agreeing to be the face of the national immolation in exchange for status was the reason he did it. Now you have to respect him. He’s a Lord. He’s got a piece of paper with it written on and everything. He’s no longer an inadequate. He’s a Lord. Did I mention he’s a Lord? He’s very pleased about it.”

Which is about the only way anyone has benefited from Brexit.

“Maybe if we made all the bankrupt fishermen lords they’d be okay with it? Just without the benefits.”

YOU’LL NEVER GET THE STAINS OUT : A middle-aged man from the former Red Wall town of Footy had a lucky escape today after hurling himself into a bubbling vat of pig slurry.

Reports from the scene indicate the man had heard a voice urging him to “Embrace Brexit” and immediately left his home, drove to the nearest pig farm where he physically dived into the ferocious mess head first.

Eyewitnesses were unable to comment as they were all pigs, but first responders did talk to the press about what they found at the scene and what the man concerned said.

“We were alerted a little after 6am this morning by the distressed call from a farmer in the hamlet of Footley, five miles outside of the town of Footy,” a police officer said. “The farmer said he was doing his morning check on his stock and that’s when he heard the shouts of alarm. He rushed to the slurry vat to find there was a man unknown to himself in the warm slurry and he would not get out.”

Apparently the farmer attempted to rescue the man who refused. He retreated and called emergency services, before returning to continue to attempt rescue.

“Fortunately the vat was only thigh deep with muck and although the individual was slipping and sliding all over as he tried to actually hug the pig slurry the farmer was able to lasso him in a move he said he learned from watching John Wayne movies with his grandfather.”

The man was eventually dragged from the vat by a combination of police, ambulance drivers, firemen and the farmer all dragging on the rope. The attempt to embrace Brexit was described as “unsuccessful and just left the man covered in pig shit”.

He is being treated at a nearby sanatorium and is expected to be released into the care of his wife. She is said to be “fuming”.

“We can’t really say why he tried it,” the police added. “He’s not overweight, red faced and doesn’t read any right wing tabloids. He is also no fan of the Prime Minister. It was reckless in the extreme. It’s likely the stink of electoral crime, loss of prestige and influence, the harm done by forcing through an ill-judged political agenda via racism and deluded exceptionalism will hang over him for some time. We would advise no one else attempt to embrace Brexit, who has not already.”

Instead the advice is to continue to exercise your democratic right to tell Brexit to sod off and come back when it’s located an actual benefit and is prepared to apologise to the millions of people it’s already harmed.

GLOBAL BRITAIN : Downing Street is reported to be in the “war game” zone this evening after an anonymous Tory donor gave the hapless PM a gift in the form of “Risk”. The timing could not be better.

It is hoped the role/roll playing of international conflict will aid the Prime Minister as he attempts to wrestle the nettle of what to do about the FRENCH.

“It could be a total disaster!” a frantic 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You know how much discrete banking is done through Jersey? Billions and billions. Tax efficient banking for a very select list of clients. If those computers go down it’ll be mayhem for our post Brexit strategy.”

The Royal Navy is now, it is reported, on standby.

“Not to nuke Macron, although we can’t rule anything out. But if the problem over the French taking exception to our attempts to shaft them over fishing, with Jersey as the sex toy of choice, isn’t resolved and they turn off the power to all those financially focused computers…one of those new aircraft-less, aircraft carriers will have to moor itself off Jersey and run an extension lead onto the island. This is what Global Britain trains for. Let’s just hope they can pull it off. Then nuke the French.”

Other actions are also in motion with Prime Minister Boris Johnson said to be smashing through several bottles of claret in double time before writing two stiffly worded columns to see old Bonny back into his box.

“He’s either going to send Macron a letter comparing his actions to the Nazis, to build on the Telegraphs’ genius work today. Or he’ll warn the meddling French power monger by reminding them of what Global Britain did to Napoleon all on its own. Whichever letter he sends will be accompanied by a video cassette of Master and Commander, just to cause maximum mayhem!”

The turning off of Jersey’s lights is planned for 3am tomorrow morning for maximum impact. Unless the FRENCH see SENSE!

Global Britain! Don’t mess with us or we’ll punch ourselves in the face.

WALLPAPER MUST MATCH SOFA SOFA MUST MATCH HATSTAND : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister has been confirmed as a dedicated family man after a study.

The study focused on the relative value he placed on negotiating his final Brexit deal versus how much time he spent choosing new wallpaper with his current partner for the flat refurbishment.

“They spent weeks debating whether to ironically choose new wallpaper featuring Fleur-de-lis or just use hand pressed sheets of gold so everyone else knows they’re a pleb?” the study reveals.

The value and time given to the refurbishment cements the PM’s reputation as a focused family man and dispels suggestions his serial infidelity says something else.

“Just imagine if he’d spent weeks focused on ensuring he got a Brexit deal that protected fishing and ensured stability in Northern Ireland?” the authors ask, searchingly. “Carrie would have been left there forlorn with shabby John Lewis peasant pattern sofas and walls you don’t need sunglasses to gaze at. It would have sent a terrible message about the value he placed on family life. Which the unknown number of children he’s fathered with an unknown number of women definitely does not.”

The report also states that the offhand way he negotiated Brexit also helped ensure his status as a global powerbroker.

“He really showed the EU up. They were left standing about hair pulling feeling completely impotent as he would barely give them the time of day. Which is only right and proper when you’re spending hundreds of thousands of pounds of anonymous donor money on cushions.”

The final nail was of course giving Parliament one day to consider and vote on the Brexit deal.

“Showed them up for the shower they are. Classic Boris. He clicked his heels, raised a flat hand high and hundreds of elected representatives just bowed under and held their sacred responsibilities in complete contempt. The Mother of Parliaments, what are you like? Maybe call in Lulu Lytle and get help papering over the Democratic cracks?”

DRY DRY DOCK : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister is said to be “so furious he’s turned to drink” after the SHOCK discovery Norway has sovereignty over its coastal waters.

The surprising revelation comes after the Norwegian government BETRAYED Downing Street by refusing to just give it what it wanted.

”It’s a complete slap in the face with a wet fish,” a Drowning Street source told LCD Views. “Who knew? Why did no one mention it before? Is it even possible to be in the EU’s orbit and make decisions about your own waters? We didn’t think that was possible since the EU forced us to stop flushing turds into ours all those years ago.”

How the Norwegians did it will need working out fast as the promise of boom times for fishermen was one of the propaganda levers pulled to get Brexit.

“No one has told Liz Truss yet. She is operating on the basis that as we’re now a fully independent, sovereign trading nation everyone has to give us exactly what we want. The Norwegians are endangering our entire global trade policy.”

How the Norwegians found the bottle to say no to the U.K. government will also be under focus. We want their fish, they have to give us their fish, so we can sell their fish to ourselves. Anything else just isn’t British.

“David Davis has apparently googled the PM’s phone number and Whatsapp’d him to suggest getting the German carmakers on the case. That’s a good start but we may need to go further. We’re going to need to drive a big red bus around Norway to convince them that we have sovereignty over their waters.”

The one likely first move is to have Lord Frost tell struggling British fishermen that we’re sovereign equals to the entire EU. They can rest assured the EU will crack and tell Norway what to do.

“It’s a double blow for Boris. He was supposed to be spending today signing off on photographed images of him and Carrie shopping in John Lewis.”

British fishermen need not worry too much though as they can always “retrain for a career in cyber. Or perhaps become ballerinas.”

The lies on the bus go round and round until sooner or later they hit you square in the fully sovereign face.