Category: Austerity

LCD’s entertaining austerity correspondent can report happily this afternoon that “Famous Five start hunting their friends” is set for release 01/01/22.

The latest instalment in the long running series of children’s books is said to have caused considerable mirth, but some unease, from the moment it was conceived.

“We’re doing gritty realism now,” a PR man for the publishing house advised, “and I don’t mind telling you it’s got a few people nervous.”

The main cause of anxiety seems not to be the underlying premise, but the inclusion of various cooking recipes throughout the story.

“It was my suggestion. What’s the point in knowing how to hunt and catch a friend if you don’t know how to cook them?”

The recipes are thought to be derived from classic British cuisine involving meat and two veg variations, with some pastry themed dishes thrown in for variety.

“Each recipe comes with musical suggestions to play during preparation. They will be downloadable via an app that will be ready for release with the cook book.”

Asked why such a specific date has been chosen,

“It’s an auspicious time and day for British people. It’s the moment of our liberation from normal day to day worries. Oh, and it’s probably also the moment we start eating our friends because the food has run out.”

Community theatre groups have also expressed interest in adapting the story for live, socially distanced shows on the streets of the entire United Kingdom.

Copies can be reserved in advance and we advise you to do so so you don’t miss out. Also take the following advice,

“I’d suggest you start storing salt before Halloween 2020,” PR man added,

“It’s going to be a much sort after commodity. And we all know everything, especially long pig, tastes better with salt.”

The move has been described as part of the government’s drive to reduce wastage in all areas of the public sector.

Only last week Sir Michael Fallon was obliged to resign (“culled” is the word used in official documents leaked to your correspondent). Now Priti Patel has also been culled in the latest round of swingeing cuts.

A lot of Westminster hot air and poncey analyses by the quality press later, all that can really be said that two wastes of space have been eliminated. The crimes of the two protagonists can be summed up as “being found out”.

Fallon was outed as an old-fashioned perv, despite his strenuous denials. There has been the suggestion that he doth protest too much.

Patel was up to shady business under the unlikely guise of a holiday, then being evasive about the affair. Essentially, telling porkies.

Cursory examination of the facts would suggest that Fallon is hardly the biggest perv in the May Team, and that habitual fibbing is a trait common to most, if not all, members of the government. Boris ‘Blonde Ambition’ Johnson and Michael ‘Slithy’ Gove must be thinking, there but for the grace of God.

Austerity in government is hardly new. There is a precedent in the Rump Parliament, which culled opponents to government policy (as decided upon by 52% of the population). These particular arses executed King Charles, abolished the monarchy and handed power to raving idealists who abolished fun. This looks like it could happen all over again.

Whereas the official line of the Palace is “Meh”, Prince Charles is said to be outraged at the possibility of history repeating itself.

In an interview given recently to his favourite tree, he was heard to remark that Parliament had it in for kings named Charles, and that he would dismiss Parliament in favour of direct rule if he had half a chance.

Let’s face it, he could hardly do a worse job than the current mob.