Gavin Williamson accidentally commissions portrait of himself as a dump from Napoleon’s horse

Global Britain’s Field marshall was said to be “blazing”, “fuming”, “crackling”, “red hot with rage” and producing a lot of heat today (although not a lot of fire) after the portrait of himself he commissioned turned out more accurate than anticipated.

The painting, which Williamson intended to hang behind his desk at the MOD, is likely to be sat gathering dust, due to a representation of the the UK’s defence minister that critics have described as “dazzlingly vivid, with a searing honesty in the accuracy of the individual and his work”.

LCD Views’ own art critic has viewed the painting and had this to say,

“You can see why Williamson is upset,” Mr Art Kritic said, “I have it on good authority that the painting was supposed to intimidate high ranking military officers when they entered Williamson’s office (which he’s nicknamed ‘high command’) to tell him that all his initiatives were ‘batshit’ crazy. But the artist riffed on Williamson the man, clearly it was a mistake to commission the painting from someone known as an auteur who likes to get to the heart of the matter.”

It seems Williamson wanted a sci-fi theme and himself painted snarling, in leather fighting brogues and a g-string, holding a laser spear and riding a giant tarantula across a Martian like landscape.

“But instead, as soon as the artist heard Gav say he wanted the name ‘Marengo’ painted in script on the abdomen of the tarantula, he got ideas of his own.”

But all may not be lost for the work, painted with a mixture of oily self-promotion mixed with unadulterated horseshit, as it’s likely to end up on Ebay where bidding will be fierce.

“I expect a lot of interest from Russian bidders, mostly wanting it as something to laugh at,” our critic muses, “but Gavin will fancy that as a compliment. So many other Tory MPs have had oodles of Russian money poured into their pockets, why not me too? He may well be thinking.”

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