Fierceless defender of human rights and the MP judged second most likely to get changed for work in a phone box, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary, has broken short a family holiday to confirm via Skype that the collage of the Battle of Salamis, 1066 and the D Day landings is an accurate picture of the refugee landings at Dover.
”Britons need to be ready to defend their homes against a wave of invasion,” we think he said, it was hard to tell as he seemed distracted by the possibility of using xenophobia and half a dozen desperate people in a boat to become prime minister,
“millions upon millions of people are preparing to swamp our shores in search of a better climate. They’re fed up with the French climate. They are greedily eying up ours,
”This is a major crisis. They will steal GMT if not repulsed. And that’s an atomic clock. Clearly they’re going to make an atomic bomb and threaten us with the end of time unless they’re allowed to queue jump ahead of hard working British taxpayers and get a luxury council home for a family of ten and more on benefits than you, the hardworking British taxpayer, earn. We didn’t tighten our belts through austerity just to waste money now saving lives.”
But surely the collage photo, produced by your department and released through the media is just hyping up a situation that has been occurring for years? And is a non-surprising result of making arms sales a pillar of our economic and foreign policy?
”When I’m prime minister you will be imprisoned for such talk.”
Excuse me?
”Sorry. Now I’ve dealt with the ECONOMIC MIGRANT CRISIS I’m going to change back into my holiday clothes.”
Good idea. There’s nothing else that needs doing.
”Oh damn.”
What’s the matter?
”Jeremy Corbyn is in the phone box and he never comes out. It’s okay Jezza, the story is not about the scandalous treatment of EU nationals, it’s about refugees, you can stop hiding and get your intern to post on Twitter!”