“Don’t worry! Don’t panic!” Matt Hardcock MP for Wood, and newly promoted to Health Secretary (after Jeremy Hunt decided he wanted to be closer to Theresa May’s back), told gathered reporters today, “palliative care costs are going to go right down in Brexit Britain.”
The encouraging announcement on a new policy of not treating anyone who God won’t save, to save costs, was welcome. More so due to the rolling out of progressive immigration policies designed to tell forriners to bog off.
”I know spending the entirety of 2019’s NHS budget on Smegs to prepare for a managed no deal has ruffled a few feathers in the general public,” Matt ‘living viagra’ Appendages paused to smile, “unless you’re an importer of high end, fashionable fridges!”
There’s always a winner.
“But to reassure further I want to announce today that I’ve ordered all NHS hospital trusts to retrain their new fridge mountains as nurses. This means if by some mad fluke of fate Brexit doesn’t happen, no one can say the government has been wasting money better spent on human resources.”
Brexit will cost whatever Brexit will cost.
”Although I would advise that people practise taking their own temperatures, if they intend on visiting a hospital,” Matt Fingerstiffy added, “as a fridge will probably do it and say you’re dead, given a fridge is cold when working.”
Responding to the latest preparations for Brexit and the mass purchase of fridges a spokesman for the Labour front bench said the following,
”This is just scandalous,” Mr Lenin Defeat-Strategy said, “Everyone knows that expecting sick people to take their own temperature will lead to errors. Under Lexit the fridges will be turned off and operating at room temperature, thus able to accurately take temperatures and freeing up actual nurses to attend to machinery accidents on the newly collectivised farms that will see the nation enjoying full employment.”