The United Kingdom’s leading letter writer, Jacob Rees-mogg (MP for Going-on-Backwards) has announced his intention to gouge out one eye and to do it in public.
“The abject failure of the government to use our superpower to overwhelm the half a billion citizens of the wealthiest trade bloc on earth has left me with no choice but to pick up a red hot poker and jam it into my non-monocle wearing eye,” Rees-mogg told a nearly empty press conference this morning,
“if the United Kingdom can not be completely and utterly financially and civilly ruined by the hardest of all conceivable Brexits, then I see no choice but to deprive the hopeless peasantry of my considerable vision.”
Asked what he intended to do once he has cut his vision in half, Mr Rees-mogg revealed forward planning of the kind usually reserved for anyone not in the ERG.
“Once I only have one eye I will become king in the land of the blind,” he shrugged, “I hear the tax arrangements are particularly pleasing, as all of the inspectors are blind and so too the people, so they can’t see how much they are being fleeced. It will also come with the added advantage of being able to divide the population into the right and wrong sorts of people, then I can simply angle my head so as not to notice the undesirables.”
And where will you perform the spectacle?
“Under the statue of Winston Churchill on College Green. I have dreamed he will cry for me the moment the blazing rod of eyeon begins to push into my non-monocle wearing eye.”
Does he see any difficulties in such a feat of self-harm?
“I confess the poker will have to be exceedingly hot,” Rees-mogg admitted, “because first it’s got to burn through all the egg currently on my face after my failed coup to oust the prime minister.”