LCD Views can report exclusively from a WC concealed behind a secret door at a Tufton Street, Westminster address today that the power thinkers of British politics, The ERG, have a new plan to oust Prime Minister Theresa May, following the seeming failure of the intellectual powerhouses to bring about a no confidence vote in the PM.
“The ERG, not to be confused with the BORG, although we are admittedly two different brand names owned by an inter-galatic umbrella company called the TURD, demand that the chair of the Conservative Party 1922 committee, Graham Brady, allow President Donald Trump to count our no confidence letters in Prime Minister Theresa May,” spokesman for ERG, BORG and TURD, Jacob Rees-mogg said,
“because I wouldn’t have been such a one eyed idiot as to attempt to bully the prime minister in public last week unless I was damn sure I couldn’t get hurt afterwards. There simply must be an error in Mr Brady’s counting,
“There is not one iota of feasibility in the possibility that we developed a general high concept during some drunk, late night WhatsApp rant with each other and then shot our load in the dark without knowing who was going to get it in the eye afterwards. Or indeed before considering how many people who texted to say they would put quill to parchment were likely to actually do so. I’d look pretty bloody silly if that were the case.”
In response Mr Brady’s office said it wasn’t in the rules of the party concerning no confidence votes to have foreign heads of state count the letters, no matter how great at maths, and estimating the size of groups, they were known to be.
“Rules are for poor people,” Mr Rees-mogg dismissed the response, “it will be a simple matter for Owen Paterson to fly the letters over to Mr Trump the next time his handlers at Tufton Street arrange from him to go on a junket to the States. Mr Trump can then use all his fingers and toes three times to add up the letters. You will soon see Ms May does not carry the support of the party.”
Requests for the White House to comment on the matter were successful, insofar as there was a response.
“Who is Ms May again?” an official replied, before excusing themselves to help Donald Trump rake some leaves. Just so many leaves. You’ve never seen so many leaves.