In times of trouble, and in national emergencies, the country traditionally looks to a tried and tested leader of men. Therefore, Sam Allardyce is due to be appointed as interim PM.
Big Sam is expected to bang heads together. His strategy will be no nonsense Northern straight talking, no quarter given, and the return of Wayne Rooney as permanent Captain.
There is an unfriendly match coming up with the United States of Europe. Big Sam must organise his troops quickly. But he has been hampered by the loss of a number of first teamers. Star striker Dominic Raab and midfielder Esther McVey have announced their retirement from international action today. So too permanent subs Suella Braverman and some minister for NI.
There is still an immense amount of preparation before the match. Allardyce will be looking to the front, back and opposition bench for reinforcements and braving out most of the team legging it to a tax haven.
Already Sterling has taken a dive (not for reasons above). The resulting yellow card has ruled him out of action.
Defeat looks inevitable, with no defence to speak of. Allardyce is no longer able to rely on shoehorning Irish players into the team.
Former players griping from the sidelines add to Big Sam’s problems. “Put up or shut up,” he allegedly said, so JRM did, which is why Sam finds himself unexpectedly facing into the abyss once more.
Although Jeremy Hunt has pledged to stay by Sam’s side, which has given about as much comfort as discovering the team’s dentist is Michael Gove.
The match has drawn unprecedented interest from obsessive fans. The game is anticipated to involve the entire team being offside, and many own goals being scored, definitely more than any scored in the opposition net (they’ll take care of that themselves too).
In related news, Wembley has already sold out of popcorn as fans settle in for the long game. More on this story as it illegally tackles the big game of British politics.