Dominic Raab hospitalised after getting into a fight with his reflection in mirror

“I hadn’t quite understood the results of blowing your feet off with a shotgun,” Dominic Raab told a rapt audience last night, “But I still insist the UK blow its feet off with a shotgun, because of the significant savings to be had on socks and shoes.”

The insistence on the chosen course, in spite of new discoveries (that very many people already knew) is certain to bolster the UK’s negotiating hand with the tyrannical EU.

”They know we mean business,” Raab continued, “who wants to mess with someone so determined they’re prepared to chop off their negotiating hand with a meat cleaver? Barnier dresses well. He’ll be terrified of the potential dry cleaning bill should any of our blood splatter get on his suit. Right now he’s begging Chancellor Markle to demand she uses her family connections to have Prince Harry accept the EU’s surrender.”

Of this Raab looked certain. He was a little more contrite during the closing stages of his address though, when he revealed some recent discoveries to the audience, expecting them to be just as surprised as he was.

”Bears shit in the woods. Did you know that? Not many people know that. The Pope IS catholic. The sun also rises. Oh, and most shocking of all, the U.K. is an island! Pretty much floored me that, when I realised it.”

He went on for some time after, explaining the possibilities for booming trade with the rest of the world, after Brexit, just as soon as we discover if the rest of the world is also an island, or not.

The speech concluded he stepped triumphantly from the lectern and caught a glimpse of his own reflection in a mirrored surface.

That was when it happened.

”Who the hell are you?” Raab demanded of the thuggish looking stranger in the mirror.

When the aggressively stupid interloper just mimicked him, Raab threw the first punch, both of them at once.

Doctors report he is expected to recover, after hand surgery, he’ll still be a wanker, and happily there was no facial damage, because his head was wedged securely in his arse.

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