History and semantics can play cruel tricks.
Forty-five years ago, a steamy affair between Madame Cholet, the grey haired French cook, and diminutive, corpulent female lead in BBC children’s TV series The Wombles, and a handsome young and athletic self lubricating French dildo, produced a love child.
A child whose very existence was for decadeds denied by both its parents, and BBC executives alike, but whose ethnicity, by a cruel accident of semantics, is now on everyone’s lips.
He is, by his admission, one of very few on the planet who can genuinely identify themselves as an actual bona fide COCKWOMBLE.
And he is angry, very angry.
“Yes, I am a Cockwomble, one of the few on this planet with the right to name myself thus,” he wept, hiding his face and declining to give his name.
“But that doesn’t make me a gammon faced, knob headed, right wing spunk trumpet,” he added pointing out that he didn’t get to choose his parents, but he does get to choose his politics.
“And there’s no way I would ever support that loud mouthed, racist wank puffin Tommeh Robinson – he looks like a cross between a Thunderbirds puppet and the demonic ventriloquist’s doll from classic British horror flick, DEAD OF NIGHT” he added.
A spokesman for the UK society of Spunk Trumpets declined to comment on recent salacious rumours concerning the late British Jazz trumpeter, Kenny “one’s salty, the other’s sweet” Ball.
The Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) for its part issued a stern warning against the growing problem of sexual harassment of ciff nesting seabirds.
“This is not only dangerous for the birds, for whom gammon flavoured human secretions are not a normal food source but also, as many species – including puffins – roost on very high cliffs, extremely risky for the sick sadistic shitgibbons who indulge in these disgusting practices,” it said.
LCD views contacted David Attenborough for his views on primatial coprophilia but he (wisely) declined to comment.