Poll finds record number of Brits suffering with envy of the Irish

LCD Views has the results just in from a shock poll conducted by all major British news outlets which has revealed that a record number of Brits now envy the Irish.

“Britons want their [Irish] government,” poll-meister Professor North, of North and South University (they have campuses at both John O’ Groats and Lands End),

“which is a bit of a surprise as polls from as recently as the 22 June 2016 showed a record number of Brits didn’t even realise Ireland had a government, they just assumed, well, they didn’t really think about it much. Dublin equals Guinness, that was about it. Oh, and leprechauns of course. Maybe a bit of Riverdance if the knowledge is broader than usual. But that’s been standard behaviour for an overwhelming majority of Britons (roughly 52%) and the rest of the colonised world for decades. A lot don’t even realise they don’t still control most of the world, as evidenced by expectations for how things will play out after Brexit.”

But it seems the manner in which the Irish government has been dealing with Brexit has changed opinions all the way from “whaa?” over to “emerald green with envy”.

“The Irish have been all grown up and getting prepared and helping people out and leveraging their alliances and actually concerned about the GFA and all that means. It’s basically shown up what a shambles Westminster is now it’s run by a hard right coup with a hard left one hanging about the edges hoping to take over. This has made people jealous. This has changed attitudes.”

And the change in attitude is likely to have an impact immediately on the Republic of Ireland itself.

“There’s already a tsunami of applications for Irish passports from famous shoe in Irishmen like Andrew Bridgen MP,” Professor North went on, “and also about 160,000 regular and sane people who want to continue to enjoy freedom of movement in the European family after Brexit, but don’t have a spare million sitting about to buy a Maltese passport, but they did once know someone who owned an Irish Setter.”

But surely it would just be better to close down the House of Commons at Westminster and apply for direct rule from Ireland?

“That would clearly work in everyone’s favour. Maybe easier though just to set up a system where sane and progressive Brits can be formerly adopted by Irish families until such time as the government of the United Kingdom ceases to be an incompetent, xenophobic shit show. I suggest we put it to a vote.”

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