In front of packed hall of worshippers (mostly from the BBC, or maybe it was the Express? It’s hard to tell them apart these days) recently ordained high priest of bullshit [ed. It’s believed our correspondent meant Brexit. But one is a synonym for the other and they both mean the same thing so to add both words, even for clarity of meaning, would risk being tautological and not stiffen the article, or make it firmer, introduce the potential for tiresome error, and just drag out the article painfully and unnecessarily, just like bullshit) Dominic Raab, MP for Fork-on-Tung, released the latest batch of No Deal Brexit notices.
“A dog is not just for Christmas, thanks to the diligent planning of your vigorous government, it’s also for dinner.”
It took several minutes for the applause to subside. Several people even began to talk in tongues, such was the religious fervour generated in the faithful by the statement.
”Purposefully positioning a modern, industrialised country into a situation where the choice of eating your last born child, or your pet, is now real is just sensible government.”
The kind of pragmatism we’ve all come to expect from the Conservatives.
”Even now my department is working on an easily accessible recipe book, in app format, although it will only be on android (because they’re androids) to release in advance of just fucking the entire country senseless so some fascistic natured tax dodgers can take complete control of your day to day lives.”
From this announcement Mr Raab began to read from a hymn sheet, verses that blame the EU for the moment HMG screws your pooch, we mean cook your dog, or make your dog into dinner.
”With the right amount of vim and vigour any hungry citizen of Brexitannia will be able to get even a German Shepherd into a pot. Remember, as we move into the bold and exciting frontiers of Global Britain, a dog is not just for Christmas anymore…”