Fears of a post Brexit crime wave centred on food increased today after Her Majesty’s Government reluctantly confirmed theft of bread, and other food, will lead to transportation to the colonies again, after Brexit.
The encouraging revelation is thanks to a FOI request by LCD Views regarding proposed changes to criminal law, due to come into force as we make a success of Brexit.
”It’s expected all and every Gregg’s will be a crime scene,” a minister at the Home Office confirmed, “we are encouraging Greggs, and other bakeries, to boost their security prior to March 29th 2019, October 31st 2019 and January 31st 2020.”
Nicking a sausage roll will get you sent down and sent down under again?
”Not just sausage rolls. A loaf will be seven years hard labour. A Bakewell tart could mean life. Although stealing, but not consuming, a vegan sausage roll will get you a medal.”
It’s expected the return of unbelievably harsh sanctions, with corporal punishment, are the brain child of Iain Duncan Smith, best known for his deep and sympathetic understanding of the psychology of the criminal classes ie, anyone who’s not rich.
But what about white collar crime? What if ministers in HMG are found to have been colluding with hedge fund owners to crash the pound?
“What about it?”
Fair enough.
As to what Australia thinks about this proposal is anyone’s guess, as the Australian government has thus far remained tight lipped.
”They’re too busy playing musical chairs with their prime ministers to worry if we establish a penal colony on Rottnest Island, or even Cockatoo Island. And besides, there is no conceivable way those convicts would want to spoil the chance of agreeing a free and comprehensive free trade deal with the U.K. I expect they’ll offer to build the new gaols required themselves.”
As to the possibility of return and redemption after the seven years is served, the minister has this to say,
”From Australia back to Brexitannia? We don’t expect anyone will want to. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to pocket some crusty baps and get a ticket out of here.”