Ruler of all your fates and custodian of your children’s future, Theresa May, has celebrated National Gilbraltar Day by offering to sell ‘The Rock’ to Spain.
The offer, made during a totally natural YouTube broadcast from 10 Downing Street is said to have taken the inhabitants of Gilbraltar by surprise.
”We know the Tories will sell us out in negotiations over the future relationship between whatever is left of the U.K. post Brexit and the EU, but we didn’t think they’d actually physically try and sell us. Exactly how much is Brexit costing?”
We found it all a little puzzling so we phoned up John Humphrys of BBC Radio 4 ‘Today’ programme, seeing as he is paid hundreds of thousands of pounds a year to know things.
”I didn’t know Dwayne Johnson was named after an isthmus? You learn something new every day.”
No John, you don’t, quite evidently.
That avenue having failed we turned to our own Gilbraltar correspondent.
”It was pretty important in WW2? I think. It’s got some monkeys, doesn’t it? Lot of gambling companies trade completely legitimately from there. Um. I don’t see why it will cause any friction in the Brexit negotiations. 4% of the people voted to leave the EU. That’s pretty much a landslide takeover by the far right if you ask the BBC.”
Unfortunately we had forgotten Humphrys was still on the line. He heard it and hired our man on the spot as a researcher.
So we can only now editorialise.
We are sure the people of Gilbraltar will be more than happy in their new home once they move to Spain.
Furthermore we are certain that the selling of the Rock to Spain will make Brexit much easier. Now the government only has to deal with the Irish Border. New technology will take care of that one. And the Falklands, but we’re going to threaten to invade Argentina if they kick off, so that’s pretty much solved itself.
Unfortunately Humphrys was still on the line (when will we learn!) so you can expect to hear tomorrow from 6am that all remaining problems relating to Brexit have been solved.
”First thing the Spanish should do is shoot the monkeys,” John shouted down the line, “one of the little blighters nicked a lime off me when I was a boy and I’ve never gotten over it.”