UK – EU divorce talks will now be hosted by Relate

The two partners, who fell out over a number of trivialities, have been unable to come to any agreement. With neither side willing to compromise, skilled mediators are being drafted in.

The UK wants full access to the EU, but also full access to everyone else. The EU wants the marriage to continue but demands fidelity.

“It’s a clear case of the forty-seven year itch,” remarked Relate counsellor Amy Cable-Relationship. “The spark has gone, and one partner fancies a break because he hasn’t entered a fresh market in years.”

The UK is trying to avoid being kicked out of house and home. It dreads (and is secretly looking forward to) coming home after one last big bender to find its belongings on the lawn and the locks changed.

“It might take a long time to regain what we have now,” observed UK representative Upton O’Goode. “But what we will regain instantly is control over our destiny, and so we can get into bed with whomever we choose!”

“We have put up with, and indulged, the UK for years,” countered EU spokeswoman Delia Nodeal. “And we are prepared to have the UK back if it promises to behave itself most of the time. If what the UK wants is a bit more indulgence, I’m sure we can cope with that!”

“There are no victors in a divorce,” Cable-Relationship concluded. “Just whiners and losers.”

The divorce lawyers do all right, of course. The UK is having a midlife crisis, and the EU is considering making the suggestion that the UK should just buy a sports car instead. A German one, naturally.

Will it all end in tears? Ultimately, the EU will probably shrug its shoulders and let the UK sleep in the spare room and cadge the occasional sandwich.

There it is! The Brexit Dividend! We will still have our BLT.

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