Who dares wins. A man with a frightening range of disabilities in a frighteningly responsible position has wagered the future of the UK on an arcade game.
The man threw down his white stick, his ear trumpet and the gauntlet. Barnier, well used to the irrational antics of the UK’s Brexit negotiators, waited politely until one of the man’s nurses explained the situation.
“Dommy sure plays a mean pinball,” explained nurse Pat Onthehead. “It’s the only way he can communicate when he is stressed out. He can’t speak because of a traumatic experience in childhood.”
“What was that?” enquired Barnier. “Did the silver spoon fall out of his mouth?”
“Don’t be rude, it’s not funny!” replied Onthehead. “In fact, at an impressionable age, his parents told him that he was not in fact adopted, but that he was an immigrant!”
“And now this same man has been tasked with delivering the most hateful anti-immigrant policy in a generation,” remarked Barnier. “I never did understand the British sense of irony. So, what are you suggesting?”
“Dommy says winner takes all,” Onthehead clarified. “If Dommy wins, you let the UK go, pay the UK to trade with you and accept its overlordship. If you win, the UK remains in the EU for now. But let me warn you, Dommy thinks he is a pinball wizard. So if you win, he will get very angry indeed and probably kick off big time and I won’t be answerable for the consequences. What do you say?”
Barnier sighed. “Another unacceptable red line,” he said. “Now, if you had suggested chess, or even Scrabble…”
“Best of three, then?” pleaded Onthehead, as Barnier gathered up his documents and prepared to depart. “Poor Dommy came all this way for a game… M. Barnier? M. Barnier?…”
A deaf, dumb and blind Brexit? It’s the only deal on the table.