Brexit is the Best For Britain! is the cry. Moreover, it fits neatly into an ancient British tradition.
“There are many defining characteristics of the British,” said Brexit lover Al Bymyself. “Self-deprecation. Excessive modesty. Bad puns. And snatching defeat from the jaws of victory is the cherry-picking on the cake!”
The cake that you both have and eat, no doubt.
“A paradox! Yes, we love those,” agreed Bymyself. “Taking over two years to secure the easiest deal in history! Frictionless trade means converting motorways into lorry parks! Untold riches from an Adequate Brexit.”
Bymyself’s conviction wasn’t exactly overwhelming. Nor, to be honest, was it whelming either.
“It’s a question of playing your cards right,” he repled. “Shuffle, deal. Or no deal. No deal is a good deal better than a bad deal. Deal with it!”
But, surely, the EU holds the better cards? Our wildcard, Boris the Joker, didn’t win any tricks.
“We have an ace up our sleeve!” Bymyself persisted. “If the EU refuses to fold, we whistle up the Special Relationship and Trump them.”
I can’t help thinking about the fact that last time the UK begged the USA for help, it was to achieve the pyrrhic victory that was World War 2.
“And look where that got us!” he replied doggedly. “We need a defeat. The British people love a plucky loser. This country used to be the dog’s bollocks. Now it’s a dog’s breakfast. We’ve gone from top dog to underdog. It’s barking. Mad dogs and Englishmen, as they say.”
So there it is. Years of dodgy refereeing decisions, losing on penalties, middle order collapses. We’re used to it, it’s comfortable and familiar, it’s part of the Great British Psyche. Handshakes all round, jolly good show, old boy. Let’s have a nice cup of tea.
Our insecurity makes us feel secure. This is Brexit.