Jeremy Corbyn is toast. Quite literally. An image of the former Messiah’s face has manifested itself on a slice of white toast.
Mrs Trudy Vinity from The North was settling herself down to a nice cup of tea and some hot buttered toast, when she noticed strange markings on it, and realised it was the face of Jeremy Corbyn. “I was about to slap a load of raspberry jam on my toast,” she remarked.
“The seedless stuff, I can’t stand pips. Anyway, it was then I saw the odd marks on the toast. I said to myself, Trudy, I said, the toaster’s on the blink again after Dominic Raab’s face appeared the other day. Well, we all know Raab is a bit of a twonk, but Corbyn? I called the Evening Express straight the way!”
Stranger still, sightings have been reported all over the British Isles. Mrs Marge O’Reen from Ireland saw Corbyn’s face in her colcannon, and Mrs Chelsea Bunne from London noticed Jeremy’s boat race staring back at her out of a portion of smashed avocado.
Nor is the phenomenon confined to food. Welsh farmer Wynn ap Ryze realised that his sheep had formed the face of Jeremy Corbyn on the hillside.
What does it all mean? LCD Views turned to paranormal expert May King-Ittup. “It’s clearly the end of an era,” she said. “It is obviously a sign that the spirit of Jeremy Corbyn is making his final farewells before he finally suffocates in the slough of his own ineptitude.”
“Remember last summer?” she asked. “At Glastonbury? When Corbyn appeared in person to wow the crowds? He was unstoppable then, but that day he failed to grasp the simple fact that Glastonbury was his big chance. After flunking that opportunity, he has faded into being an irrelevant Tory enabler. He’s toast, and he knows it.”
Will we witness the Second Coming of JC? Or will he lead us all to crucifixion and a chorus of ‘Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life’?