The under fire, beleaguered and doomed Department for Exiting the EU was given the WOW factor today with the announcement that Jesus Christ would be heading up the British negotiations, versus the seemingly unstoppable super villain Barnier.
”Barnier may think his evil word powers and ability to point at bits of paper can stop Global Britain,” Dominic Raab told the world via BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, “but he’s forgotten God is an Englishman. And so is his son.”
Under the deal Jesus Christ will walk across the English Channel and come face to face with the evil tyranny of a multi-national union of representative democracies, working together via mutually agreed legal treaties and just do his thing.
”We’re calling this Lazarus Brexit,” Raab added, “because if you think our negotiating strategy is dead, just roll away the stone we’re all trying to hide behind and be dazzled.”
Jesus himself was more circumspect regarding his chances of achieving the long sought after cake and eat it Brexit.
”If you wanted a bread and fishes Brexit, maybe I could have pulled that off,” he told assembled journalists, as he stepped off his spaceship on College Green, “but I don’t even think cake in the form you think of it existed when I last visited Earth? We’ll have to wait and see. I’m not sure even a miracle can save the U.K. now? I wouldn’t have even started down this path. Brexit? How long was the serpent whispering in your ears? Jesus Christ! But I’ll do my best. Anyone got some water? I fancy I need a bit of Dutch courage before I get started.”
Asked for comment on the new gun for hire, Labour’s Keir Starmer was ambivalent. Because that’s what he does. Running down the clock in a cynical bit of chicken shittery that is fooling no one.
Social media commentators were less restrained though, with furious Momentum activists pointing out that this Jesus Christ must be a false messiah, because they’re already following the real one, who is definitely a Brexiter.