Illegal immigrants, economic migrants and terrorists may be planning to use un-recycled plastic bottles to make boats to float across the English Channel, according to a warning issued Friday by the United Kingdom Independence party, better known by its acronym, UKIP.
Speaking to reporters outside UKIP headquarters ISIS House, Thingummy Whatsisname-Doobry, or whoever may or may not be UKIP leader this week (Couldn’t be arsed googling and by the time you do he/she will have changed anyway…) explained that the careless disposal of plastic bottles on UK beaches was putting the country in grave danger of attack by environmentally minded green leaning terror groups.
“The bottles float across the channel, to the jungles of northern France where less than 100 of them tied together makes an unsinkable floatation device that could be used by Muslamic radicals to float across the channel and launch an attack on our saintly green and pleasant land,” he said (…or she, let’s face it, who cares…) explaining that there is a clear link between environmentalists and radical Islam.
“It’s no coincidence they call themselves “GREENS”, it’s the historic colour of Islam, representing the lush vegetation of Paradise” snarled Whatsisname-Doobry, explaining that under no circumstances should this “Paradise” be confused with “England’s GREEN and Pleasant land”.
It was this risk of GREEN terrorism, he explained, that had led UKIP to denounce the recycling of plastic bottles as TERRORISM, and to back a more traditional solution to the problem.
“Bottle banks for plastic bottles, are an open invitation to water bound migratory terrorism – like giving a child a sweetshop and telling them there’s no such thing as dentists,” he (or she…) warned.
For that reason Whatsisname-Doobry explained, instead of recycling, UKIP was backing the revival of the traditional English tradition of stabbing a hole in the bottom.
“Generations of British children have religiously shoved their spoons through the bottom of their hard boiled egg shells to prevent them being used by witches as sailing craft to attack and sink our brave ships,” he (she or indeed it…about time UKIP recognised gender plurality..) roared, pointing out that the loss of shipping to maritime Wiccan subversion has long been close to zero.
“A plastic bottle with a hole in won’t float and can be safely discarded on any beach without fear of it being re-employed for migratory floatation,” he smiled.
“And if that doesn’t solve the problem, you can always just eat them – after all, there won’t be much else to eat after Brexit,” he warned.