Transport Secretary and all-round good egg-head Chris Grayling wants to be the next Prime Minister. He is, he claims, ideally qualified.
“My record speaks for itself,” he crowed to LCD Views, strictly on the record. “Thanks to me, the railways are less efficient and more expensive. There is less legal aid, and prisons are more dangerous. I am a less competent leader than Theresa May, or even Jeremy Corbyn. Less is more, dear chap, less is more. More or less.”
So, to clarify: do you mean more, or less?
“More. Or less,” explained Grayling. “It’s the same thing. I can’t give you clarity. These are exciting times, and everything will turn out just fine!”
Turning to the business of movement of goods after Brexit, which is in your remit, what are you going to do about the chronic lack of space and underinvestment at Dover?
“Yes, I’ve been asked for clarity about it,” he admitted. “Well, they won’t be getting it from me! You can’t shift the cliffs, anyway that would be Michael Gove’s responsibility. Underinvestment is a nasty little phrase. It simply means, we are spending less money, and that must be a good thing. Less is more!”
What about the potential 13 mile queues on the M20?
“Not my problem,” he answered. “Most of the time the M20 is empty, so it seems like a good use of resources to me.”
And what if you ever needed to travel to Dover yourself, and got caught in the traffic? Or would you go by train?
“Good God, no!” he exclaimed. “The trains are f*cking sh*t, we only keep them to milk them for all they are worth! Who wants to go to Dover anyway?”
Back to your leadership bid. Isn’t this just a little April Fool’s Day joke?
“Ha ha! I’ve been called God’s Little April Fool myself!” he laughed. “Except my birthday is actually May the first. May Day. I mean, of course it’s April the first really, but you don’t want anyone to know that sort of thing!”
Is there anyone more (or less) suitable for the job? Less is more. Mayday. MAYDAY!