The Conservative Party became the newest left of centre political party in the U.K. today, and the largest, as their membership topped 10 million after everyone told to “fuck off and join the Tories then” by a Momentum activist did.
”We expect to top twenty million by the end of the day,” Phillip Davies, MP for not protecting his constituency but favouring chipboard thinking, told LCD Views.
We spoke to Phillip during a tour of a timber mill, where he was shopping for a new head.
”I don’t mind telling you the 1922 committee is in absolute meltdown. There’s pressure to change our entire policy platform and rename the committee the 2018 committee. It’s blood curdling. If we can’t get a handle on events we will end up being the party that stops Brexit. Our soul will burn and we’ll just be ash.”
It seems the boost is solely down to the unique campaigning style of diehard supporters of Jeremy Corbyn.
”They’ve been advising anyone who raises a concern over the screaming disconnect in the thinking of a politician who claims to be a social democrat, but supports the worst hard right agenda currently going, to join us for the last couple of years. And people are, seeing no other way out. It’s horrible. They’re coming in such numbers they’ll change all our policies. How will rail privatisation succeed now?
”We’re suppose to be a nasty little clique who redirects the anger of the people we exploit. But now. I’m trembling.”
Corbyn supporters themselves were enraged by the unfolding events too.
”See! Yellow Tory Blairite backstabbing scum! When we screamed fuck off and join the Tories we thought they’d flock to us,
“You can’t trust these neocon stooges and their determination to resist the asset stripping of the U.K. by resisting the fascist agenda of Brexit. They’re supposed to drive Brexit forward with us, ruin the lives of tens of millions of people, so we get a revolution that will make anyone left alive after join hands in solidarity and red lentils,
“We should have deselected the Blairite MPs much earlier. Having scores less MPs wouldn’t have weakened us as those constituencies would have voted for whichever pure Corbyn fan we put forward for them. It’s just so obvious.”
Quite how Corbyn and his activists ever expected to gain power by alienating millions and millions of centre and left of centre voters is still unclear, by ignoring and/or supporting Brexit, but now it seems completely unobtainable.
”Which is just how we want it,” one told us on the quiet, “that way we can forever infight until we achieve purity. And we get to stay victims. We don’t understand power. Not a bit of it. It’s how we like it.”
Quite how the U.K. seems so far up shit creek without a paddle to this point, is anyone’s guess.
”It’s nothing to do with the leaders of both main political parties having committed to a brazen lie for ideological ends,” Davies clarified, “now, if you wouldn’t mind? I’d like a few kilograms of that oak stump for a head.”