The government declared the teetering NHS fit for Brexit today as plans were revealed to stockpile pieces of wood in advance of any Brexit.
The wood will be supplied by the head of David Davis after application of a chisel, and also the mass purchase of recently redundant Swedish forests, made available by forces that have no link whatsoever with global warming.
Speaking exclusively to LCD Views, recently upcycled plank Matt Hand-Cock MP gave details of the reassuring measures.
”We’re measuring the pieces of wood in inches,” Hand-Cock said, his hands under the table for the entirety of the interview, “and we’re bringing traditional pain relief back to the National Health Service, which I don’t mind saying lost its way under the last Labour government.”
It’s unclear if the pieces of wood will be single or multi-use.
”Definitely multi-use,” Matt Hand-Cock interrupted, “that’s one of the benefits of Brexit. The burning of the pernicious, nanny state red tape that stopped people contracting easily preventable diseases. That was no good. Immune systems need to stay in training, just like athletes.”
The pieces of wood will be multi-use, the Department for Health has very recently clarified, which will lead to the sort of cost savings that could buy say, seven luxury flats to forget about.
”And furthermore, people won’t even need to visit a pharmacy for pain relief after this measure comes into play,” Matt Hand-Cock said. “all they will need to do is search their local woods for suitable timber and then you can even amputate that post Brexit, pus filled, diabetes ravaged limb in the comfort of your own home.”
The navy is said to be especially excited, as endless cuts to defence have left them wondering how they’re supposed to supply all those shiny new boats.
”Not having to buy painkillers for the ship surgery is a total boon of Brexit,” said an admiral speaking from the early 19th century, where Brexiters live.
Medical groups have voiced some concerns over the measures, but as Gove would say, the people have had enough of experts.
”Just mind the splinters,” Hand-Cock advised, “as there won’t be anymore dentists. Now get ready to embrace the feeling of woody sovereignty that will come with Brexit.”