The desperate news comes from a unicorn reserve at a secret location in Brexittania. Greedy poachers, unable to wait any longer for their Dividend, have found the reserve.
LCD Views managed to secure an interview via a massively encrypted live link routed via Moscow.
“The unicorns are endangered,” said gamekeeper Annie Malhunter. “We try to protect them at any cost. It’s the horns which are particularly attractive to poachers, so we remove them as humanely as possible.”
Why are the horns so valuable?
“They are supposed to have magical properties,” replied Malhunter. “They solve paradoxes like how to fund public services properly while abolishing taxation, or creating a frictionless hard border. They are reputed to be able to turn the UK simultaneously into both Little England and Global Britain.”
How do you remove the horns?
“First, you have to catch the unicorn,” said Malhunter. “Which is difficult, since they are secretive to the point of being fictional. Then you chop off the horn with a cold chisel, and slap a ‘My Little Pony’ sticker on their flank.”
And what do you do with the horns?
“I’m not authorised to disclose that,” said Malhunter, pointing to a portrait of Vladimir Putin and a pile of roubles.
Is there any other way to discourage the poachers?
“Of course. We lay a false trail of bullshit,” Malhunter explained. “There’s no end of it around here, which is odd given that this is a unicorn reserve.”
Going undercover, fearlessly, we soon located the reserve due to the stench of manure. We soon found an equally fearless poacher named ‘Guy Kell Mauve’ striding through the bullshit. None of it stuck to him, even though he was wading through great heaps of the stuff at times.
“I’m last man standing!” Mauve boasted. “’Blondie’ fell on his sword, and ‘Fagash’ never leaves the pub these days. Softly, softly, catchee money! I mean, unicorn…”
We left Mauve to just get on with it, as he was, in reality, mired in a labyrinth of contradictions.
Meanwhile a new movement, called Save The Unicorns, has sprung up. It consists entirely of hordes of angry, determined, four-year-old girls.