Celebrity chefs up and down the country are rushing to publish cook books focusing on post-Brexit budget cooking, in time for the Christmas market, LCD Views can reveal.
According to information passed to LCD Views’ gastronomy correspondent, Gaz Patchio, those racing to cash in on the predicted post Brexit demand for austerity cuisine include TV chefs, Delia Smith, Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson as well as late lamented globe totting soused chef Keith Floyd.
A representative for Delia Smith confirmed that the much loved septuagenarian, billionaire football club owner is preparing a book entitled “A Feast for Brexit”, that will focus on the absolute basics required to survive in a country ravaged by food shortages, rationing, riots, famine, plague and starvation.
“She is preparing step by step guides to preparing such survival staples as Stone Soup, Hard Tack, Iron Rations, Ship’s Biscuit and Porridge, as well as new “economy” twists on green salad – made with grass and leaves, “Bread and Butter Pudding” – made without bread or butter, “Beef Wellington”, without the beef but with real wellingtons, and of course “Eggs over Easy”, which trust me, without the eggs is an absolute doddle to prepare,” she explained.
“Obviously in post-Brexit Britain meat will be at a premium so the only meat recipes included are those using animals we believe housewives will be able to forage for themselves such as “Toad in the Hole” – made with real toads, “Hot Dogs” – using parts of real dogs, and pies made from four and twenty blackbirds,” she added explaining that there would of course be a measurements guide to help scale down volumes as starvation kicks in and families become smaller.
Commenting on Oliver’s latest literary plans one of “Jamie’s people” commented: “Gor blimey, wicked, pukka innit, lovely jubbly, nice pressie…” before being summarily sacked.
A spokesman for Nigella Lawson confirmed that her new book, “Nigella’s Red, White and Blue Brexit Feast” will include some recipes aimed at lower budgets but will primarily focus on making the best of new ingredients that become available.
“She has already created quite a splash inviting British cooks to dive in at the deep end with her much publicised “Chicken Swimming Pool”, recipe using chlorinated factory chicken from the US, and its more upmarket variant “Chicken Lido”, but she felt it was time to air some new recipes, in time for Christmas” he said.
Central to the new book will be a complete guide to preparing the ideal spread for the festive season.
“Frankly everyone is a bit tired of chomping on boring old turkey for days, so why not splash out and chomp down IN Turkey for days – you’d be surprised how cheap it is to rent a private jet for the flight out, and villas on the Turkish Riviera are very reasonable out of season,” he smirked, pointing out that as a net food exporter Turkey won’t be suffering any post Brexit shortages.
A suggestion eagerly seconded by pukka tucker maker Oliver who pointed that if post Brexit food prices soar too high, starving Brits could do worse than fly themselves off to the med coast where they can feast on fresh cheap produce in abundance.
“Assuming post Brexit, the EU will give them a visa,” he accepted.
Questioned by reporters as to whether their rush to cash in on post Brexit food shortages might not be seen as being “in bad taste” and whether they might want to help their starving country folk by donating to food banks or helping out at “soup kitchens” all were in agreement.
“As a practising Catholic and labour voter, of course I believe strongly in the importance of charity but I’ve already donated a whole loaf and two fishes to my local food bank and if they can’t make that go round, well the people have spoken,” explained Delia.
Jamie Oliver too was quick to point out the sterling work he has already put in banging on about healthy diets for kids in a whole list of sponsorship and promotion deals and of course through his million selling cookbooks.
“Get in there with yer bookshop, whack it on the counter, a quick drizzle of Visa and a dash of PIN – sorted,” he smiled.
Nigella for her part pointed out that as the daughter of former conservative chancellor Nigel Lawson, famed for his tax cuts for the rich and budgetary austerity, the idea of giving away, money, food or even time to the poor was completely anathema to her.
“We must all make the best of what we have, and people should learn to help themselves,” she said, adding that of course she didn’t mean help themselves from supermarket shelves, because they would of course already have been long emptied.
The final word on post Brexit culinary austerity though, comes from late lamented globe trotting gastronome and TV star, Keith Floyd, included for the sole reason that being long dead he can’t sue for libel.
“I think Jonathan Swift perfectly outlined the options for the poor in his famous essay, “A Modest Proposal”,” he explained, quoting from memory:
“A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout.”
“Although obviously some juicy red onions and fresh plum tomatoes diced and fried with generous handfulls of fresh herbs and the juice of a lime wouldn’t go amiss,” he snorted, reaching for the bucket of red wine.