The value of one pot noodle (unopened, mint condition) soared today as frenetic trading occurred in the aisles of the United Kingdom’s major supermarkets, smashing one day trading records for major supermarkets.
“Theresa Maybe went onto the tele and said food supplies would be strong and stable in the event of a no deal Brexit,” supermarket analyst Mister Supermarket told our groceries and sundries correspondent,
“following on from that plank Raab saying stockpiled supplies would be adequate, well, it was a red rag to a angry bull. I mean, can you name me one thing this Conservative administration has not completely balls-ed up in it’s time in office? One thing?
“No. I didn’t think so. If you think they’re going to make sure you have food and medicine after they succeed in smashing every single trading link we have with the world, well, I’ve a famous bridge to sell you.”
It seems long life and easy storage were the key phrases as first the noodles, then the rice and later just as many bags of sugar as people could carry, were ferried out of the stores in anticipation of the sort of mass chaos a global conflict can only visit on a developed nation.
“Trading in honey was particularly strong,” Mister Supermarket said, “as early adopters of the bull strategy in long life grocery commodities snapped up the jars and easy squeeze plastic bottles, before selling them on secondary exchanges.”
But the pot noodle was the clear prize and any supermarket with boxes in reserve cleaned up.
“Everyone loves some noodles,” our correspondent said, “and when all you need to do to preserve the commodity is keep it out of the reach of your children, well, a cupboard with a lock and you’re sitting on a runaway stock. The key problem faced by the sharp traders will be whether or not to sell the pot for a massive gain or hold onto it so they have something to fucking eat next year.”