Leading exponents of the UK leaving the European Union have announced that they plan to claim the right of Jus primae noctis , or Droit du seigneur on the night of 29th March next year.
“We’ve completely overturned the notion of elected parliamentary democracy and forced a return to a medieval government by “baronage”, so it’s only fair we get all the nookie rights that go with it,” sneered recently resigned former foreign minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson from the window above the drawbridge of the Foreign Office mansion he has been refusing to vacate since quitting his post.
Making bizarre thrusting motions with his crotch, Johnson explained that Jus primae noctis , or Droit du seigneur is an alleged medieval practice whereby the “Lord of the manor”, or equivalent, holds the right to demand sex with any women in their domain, especially on their wedding night or other festive occasions.
“I don’t see what all the fuss is about, it’s only for one night. Not like we’ll be impregnating every filly we take a fancy to in perpetuity,” he added pointing out that with Brussels and the European court of human rights and all the lefty snowflakes out of the way, there’d be no one to stop them.
“So people had better be bloody grateful that we aren’t, or maybe we will anyway,” he harrumphed with an extra hard thrust.
Johnson’s sentiments were echoed by his more slender partner in the axis of evil, Jacob Rees Mogg.
“As a practising Catholic I of course believe in the absolute sanctity of marriage, however I do see a direct parallel between our struggle ‘to take back control’, and that of the glorious knights of the four medieval crusades, battling to return control of the Holy Land to White European Christendom,” he explained.
“They were away from their wives for years at a time and it was only fair that they should continue getting in as much practice as they could so they would be ‘at the top of their game’ when they returned to the marriage bed,” he smirked.
Quizzed on the possible effects on the population of leading Brexiteers demanding free sex from any women they fancy both Johnson and Rees-Mogg expressed little concern.
“In ten years time after we’ve lowered the minimum working age we can send them into the fields and down the mines in place of all the bloody foreigners who’ve been swamping the place,” snorted Johnson.
A possibility with which Mogg was in agreement, adding though that;
“Actually there would be nothing to stop them joining the professions or going into politics, after all pretty well all of the hereditary peers and most of the right wing of the conservative party are either directly descended from bastards, or are, independently, bastards themselves – it’s in the genes dear boy, in the genes.”