May says no need for services inclusion in EU trade deal as the Church of England refuses to conduct them in Latin

Details of the latest EU trade deal that Theresa May is trying to believe in are emerging. Rumours have it that goods have been included, but not services.

May’s spokesman, Max Fack, explains.

“The problem is the language barrier,” claimed Fack. “Our services use the Book of Common Prayer. It’s in English because we are Anglicans. Johnny Foreigner won’t be able to understand, bless him, so we wanted to conduct services in Latin. Unfortunately, the Church of England refused to cooperate.”

Isn’t Latin a bit out of date? And isn’t English a lingua franca in any case?

“Lingua franca?” said Fack, puzzled. “Does he play for Italy?”

It means a common tongue, originally applied to a European trading language.

“Oh, like Latin, then,” said a relieved Fack. “I bet the backward Europeans still use it!”

“Mr Fack is completely off his rocker,” stated Bishop Halle Luya. “The church is adaptable to many languages and cultures. Nobody uses Latin any more, although admittedly there are a few which conduct services in Klingon.”

So services in Latin are not the answer?

“Not at all,” replied the Bishop. “It’s great that the vicar’s daughter is encouraging trade in services. We are pushing for free movement of people though, to stop worshippers from sitting in the same pew week in week out.”

“I like sitting in the same pew every week!” grumbled Fack. “I still haven’t set foot in 75% of my church, and no amount of trendy vicars will make me change my mind!”

“I think the Bishop is being deliberately obstructive,” Fack continued. “It’s this negative, traitorous attitude which is holding us back. A quick call to the Daily Mail should sort things out.”

The Church of England was created by breaking away from Europe, so that the King could do as he pleased and steal all its money. There must be a Brexit metaphor in there somewhere.

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