Serially unelectable, far right headbangers’ political party UKIP has announced that it fears that migrant children may seek to use cave systems to sneak illegally into the UK.
In a tersely worded statement, issued only hours after UK caving experts helped locate 13 Thai schoolboys lost in a cave system in south east Asia, UKIP alleged that the : “current outpouring of sympathy for dark skinned foreign children in caves, is a cunning plot by the leftist metropolitan intelligentsia to undermine UK immigration policy and destroy control of are borders”
UKIP confirmed that it had dispatched vigilante hit squads to Derbyshire to monitor known entrances to Peak District cave systems “just in case”.
Further teams have been sent to South Wales in response to unconfirmed reports of “men with black faces and suspiciously broad, white grins” emerging from holes in the ground “singing in an incomprehensible foreign language”, the statement added.
Speaking to LCD Views a spokesman for UKIP’s vigilante potholing division, Jane Wheal issued a stern warning.
“We believe that child terrorists armed with pick axes and Davy lamps may seek to exploit our porous geology and even disused mine workings to enter the country illegally,” she said, adding that UKIP fears that these “ticking human time bombs” are being aided by underground leftist political groups.
“We have concrete evidence, repeated by three people on twitter with resolutely English surnames, that London Mayor and known Trotskyite Muslimist, Sadiq Khan, has links with radical caving organisations and may even be a member of an underground “urban explorer terror group”.
“Let’s face it, he’s in charge of the London underground and has access to all the tunnels into, out of and through the capital,” she explained, adding that faced with the UK being swamped by “foreign troglodytes”, UKIP was in favour of establishing tunnel links with white former British colonies such as Australia and new Zealand.
UKIP, she explained, has set up a working group, code-named “Operation Ostrich” to examine the feasibility of rerouting the Channel Tunnel to Sydney.
“Since we’ve kicked all the “flat earthers” out of the party, we are unanimous that the geology supports the plan. It’s simply a case of excavating the right route ,” she said confirming that whenever a new hole is dug the UKIP leadership will be sure to look closely into it.
Separately, UK Prime Minister Theresa May has denied reports that her government has agreed to house unwanted migrant children from the US in unoccupied UK cave systems.
“A request was made but rejected as absurd – obviously those we haven’t stuffed full of violently radioactive nuclear waste will be needed to house the millions of people expected to be made homeless by the “Post Brexit economic collapse” ,” sneered a Downing Street spokesperson.