LCD Views can report today about exciting progress on the memoirs of arguably Britain’s most famous twenty-first century statesman.
Speaking exclusively to Mr Cameron, during one of his rare visits to Blighty, the man famous for both attention to detail while in office, and chillaxing, gave one of our fictional reporters the inside scoop on his turgid opus.
“I like to think Churchill would be proud of my writing style,” Mr Cameron said, as we stood outside the shed, while he searched his key ring for the key to open up the modest, lawn dwelling.
“He was another prime minister who wrote. I’m not sure many people know that.”
Dave’s delightful shepherd’s hut, rumoured to have cost as much as the average annual income, was chosen as the location of the exclusive as it just epitomises the man so well.
“This is the bugger,” he muttered and turned the key in the lock, “it’s a bit rusty. Should I put some olive oil on it? Mind the cobwebs when you come in, I don’t spend a lot of time in here.”
So David, tell us about the exciting literary masterpiece?
“People said I cared too much about the working man,” Dave mused, appearing not to have heard the question, “but without appealing to the UKIP vote, by actually challenging the nativist, lie strewn path they hoped to force my party, and the country in general along, without that submission and sheer force of gutlessness on my part, what state would the country be in now? Not to mention all the Russian money poured into the party. I still haven’t figured out what all that was about.”
That’s an excellent question. We are sure your dedicated band of social media warriors will answer it for you.
Tell us about the autobiography though and why you haven’t just hired a ghostwriter?
“I’m a genuine man,” he answered, “what you see is what you get. I wanted to make the book authentic from cover to cover. It’s why I’ve skipped my early life and begun with chapter one, ‘Hugging Hoodies’.”
The hoodies will be very glad to get a name drop. What else is in it?
“The making of the hostile environment. How I appointed old Maybot to look good to the middle aged posh lady vote and then just let her have her head.
And what about that barnstorming effort in North Africa along with Sarkozy?
“I’m not sure I remember. I’ve eaten so much french cheese lately. My dreams are nightmares.”
You know, helping to depose Gaddafi because of Libya’s high position on the oil production table and then just hoping everything would take care of itself. No need for any Marshall Plans in the 21st Century.
“Oh that. I’m feeling a bit peckish. Let’s get some grub?”
Can we finish the interview first? What’s the Libyan chapter called?
“It’s a shame you know,” David replied, “Tony got such a bigger war than me. I’ve always been a little bit jealous of that. I guess I could have gotten us into Syria, but they are so low on the oil league, and anyway, then the USA got fracking and well…what would you like for lunch? Come on. I’ll have my man bring us up some foi gras?”
Can I see the wine list first?
“Ha! That’s what Sam calls my post office period. The whine list. As all I do is mope about the places we own blathering on about how do you finish an autobiography that ends in complete and utter failure?”
With a chapter titled, ‘Writer’s Block’.
“I”m using that. Red or white wine with lunch? Actually it’s not to early to pop a cork. Let’s have champagne.”
Please tell us what you’ve called the Libyan chapter first.
“If you insist. You’re as persistent as old George talking about balancing the books by shaming poor people into food banks. I’ve called the Libyan chapter ‘Mission Accomplished’. Now, it was champagne, wasn’t it?”