The Ministry of Health was in an ecstatic mood today as a study of the most recent Brexit possibilities promised to carve billions off the cost of treating obesity and type something diabetes by way of a new lean, mean Britain.
“It’s going to save the NHS a bistro of cash,” an aide to Health Secretary, and Forgetful Property Developer, Jeremy Hunt told LCD Views, “and these savings can be reinvested into luxury apartments.”
The savings are expected to be made soon after the United Kingdom crashes out of the European Union in March 2019.
”It’s a tangible benefit of Brexit,” the aide continued, “it’s a shame the British people in their much lauded wisdom didn’t see fit to gift Ms May an overwhelming majority at the June 2017 general election or we would have already crashed out and gotten all skinny.”
But the spoils are already being fought over in a cabinet fast gaining a reputation for squabbling like kids over a round chocolate ball, unaware it’s actually a turd coated Brussels sprout.
”Michael Gove is claiming the food shortages to come should be seen as his doing in charge of DEFRA, and the failure to ensure adequate food stocks ahread of Brexit, but that’s just a load of old cobblers, as Brexiters are most likely even now investing heavily in food commodities.
And anyway, he was always a Brexiter, whereas Jeremy Hunt has undergone a conversion on the back of realising how greedily hedge funds are going to tuck in.”
The DWP is set to enjoy the food frenzy too as proper British starvation promises to end the persistent problem of work shyness in the disabled and terminally ill.
”Once the middle classes are hungry and using their sharp elbows to outbid each other for tins of beans down at the food banks the lazy poor will have no choice but to get out and pick that fruit. It’s a right Brexit dividend.”
Runours that Weird Al Yankovic has been approached to record a celebratory charity version of his famous 80’s classic “Just Eat It” are yet to be confirmed.
“It’ll be great if he does,” the aide said, “he can record it at Abbey Road studios before Corbyn’s disaster socialists sweep to power on the back of the hunger, rioting and poverty they’ve abstained so hard for. Then we can nationalise both Abbey Road Studios and Weird Al and make him record ‘Where’s Jeremy Corbyn?’ for the B side.”
Remember kids! As we embrace the possibilities of Brexit with seamless imaginations a bad meal is better than no meal. Just eat it.