Government rolls out Universal Discredit

The government has combined all its policies into one big, wobbly mess of a policy called Universal Discredit. This policy promises to deliver every single manifesto promise in one go. The people of the UK are still waiting to see the results, eight years later. DWP spokesman Dunn O’Whatimdoing hails it as “The greatest innovation in policy-making the world has ever seen”.

Universal Discredit was designed, at phenomenal cost, to replace all the committees, think-tanks, and (dare we say it) experts previously employed. Huge sums have been deployed on offices, directors, art and other necessities. O’Whatimdoing describes it as “Outstanding value for money”.

It is the brainchild of Iain Dunderhead Smith, a man whose ability to turn gold into base metal is rivalled only by Chris Grayling. A brainchild without a heart, or even a brain, is normally allowed to die peacefully, but this one has been pampered indulgently.

Critics have described Universal Discredit as “A highly inefficient way to transfer public money into the pockets of private individuals.” In Denial Smith counters: “It does exactly what it is designed to do.”

The pinnacle of Universal Discredit is Brexit, of course. Brexit is the archetypal one-solution-fits-all, and is now the government’s sole policy. Leaving the EU will obviously solve immigration, save the NHS, boost international trade to unprecedented levels and even make the sun shine more often. Even though nobody quite understands how Brexit will cause any of this to happen.

The beauty of Universal Discredit is that it means the government never has to take credit for it. Nor blame. Nor accept any word of caution or dissent. Critics of Universal Discredit are universally discredited.

The difficulty of changing over to Universal Discredit was, typically, underestimated, if indeed it was considered at all. Every attempt to shrink the state has failed, because the state has shrunk as much as naturally possible. Leading political astrophysicist Skye Watcher describes Brexit as “An attempt to make the state implode, creating a black hole where once there was democracy.”

The event horizon of the black hole will cover the entire UK. Nobody will survive. But at least no more foreigners will ever come here again. Wave your blue passports in joy and prepare for oblivion!

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