Cuddly lounge lizard Richard Madeley is being parachuted into the role of Speaker. The serene sofa dweller was offered the role following his brutal treatment of waffling Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson.
It is highly unusual, not to say unconstitutional, to offer this role to someone who is not a sitting MP. But this is Brexit Britain. Brexitannia waives the rules.
Madeley himself was surprised and a little nonplussed. “It’s a great honour, naturally,” he told LCD’s Random Appointments correspondent. “All this fuss over little me losing patience with a dissembling gobshite!”
Madeley is hardly in the premier league of political interviewers. He is more often associated with cosy chats on magazine programmes. His action in closing an interview because Williamson refused to answer a straight question hinted at an iron fist inside his velvet glove.
The elephant in the room who wandered into shot during the interview issued the following statement.
“Normally I can’t be seen, but the current situation has rendered me visible. I made a trunk call to Donald Tusk. He advised me to come down out of my ivory tower.”
Madeley meanwhile has promised to eliminate filibustering and outright lying. “And this childish jeering will be stopped too,” he added. “Miscreants will be obliged to watch me and Judy discussing whether Nadine Dorries’ books are as bad as her voting record with Gyles Brandreth.”
Current Speaker John Bercow was not happy. “A third rate, opinionated journalist doing the job of a third rate, opinionated politician! It’s a national disgrace!” he blustered. “They will eat him alive at Prime Minister’s Question Time! Although that actually sounds quite appealing upon reflection.”
And what do you think about Madeley’s proposed sanction?
“Oh my goodness. Being forced to watch Richard And Judy? If that doesn’t make them behave, nothing will!”
I’m an MP, get me out of here! starts filming next Monday.