FUKUS, or the Future UK – US Free Trade Agreement for short, in is doubt today after a five minute study of both countries domestic output revealed the pair of international clowns have a surplus of whataboutery.
“And it’s growing,” our trade specialist says, “it’s a mountain of whataboutery and it needs shifting or we won’t be able to agree to trade anything.”
But what about that little hill over there of electoral corruption cheese? I think it needs measuring again. It could actually be a mountain also.
It’s where a lot of the whataboutery is grown. Probably not a coincidence that the Trump and Brexit camps are using a soviet era, and modern day Russian government, tactic to deflect criticism and turn away inquiry?
“What about the British automotive sector going to the wall if you don’t get Brexit right, busy poking your nose into other people’s private affairs?” our trade guru immediately demanded, “what about thinking about the lives and pay packets of someone other than yourself for a change?”
But I thought you were concerned about the whataboutery too?
“What about worrying about the problem of lack of democratic accountability in your own house. I hear several of the residents are frequently denied agency in the most basic of decisions?”
They’re children.
“What about standing up for the rights of children rather than berating me about some insignificant problem about perceived democratic standards in places beyond my control.”
But that’s the point of democracy, it is under our control.
“What about worrying about lack of democracy in other countries. Peoples that would love to have the flawed, but functioning system you enjoy. Although you’d never know it. What about being a little bit more grateful and let your elected leaders get on with leading.”
But what about Hilary’s emails? What about the corruption in the Remain campaign in the EUref?
“That’s more like it.”
But what about Labour’s six tests on Brexit and what a load of fudge and bollocks that is and how bad a job they’re doing at holding the government to account?
Wouldn’t the government just collapse like the sack of shit it is in the face of concerted opposition?
“What about Tony Blair? You should think long and hard about how Blairites are undermining the leader.”
Of course. It’s not about Jeremy’s actions. It’s about what someone who hasn’t been leader of the party for over a decade did. He made catastrophic errors and he has never been held to account, to our shame.
But what about Jeremy actually leading the opposition to the government on the largest change for decades, so the suspect figures of previous eras can shut up?
“What about what an emotive gift T-Bone Blair is to Momentum and how useful he is at shielding Corbyn from criticism?”
What about not being so f*cking cynical and tearing May out of office by full throttle opposition?
“What about we go back to talk about salvaging this free trade deal? This whataboutery is going off the rails.”
What about it?
It’s going to be ruinous to the United Kingdom. We’ll be so out classed by size, we’ll be economically and politically desperate and we’ll be beholden to a president across the sea who cares more about golf and tweeting while taking a dump in the morning than he does about us.
“What about how the unelected eurocrats are even now punishing the UK for following our democratic destiny by actually telling us we can’t be part of the bits of the EU we still want to be part of?”
Will this never end?
“What about the Never Ending Story? How do you think it feels to have you dragging it into a conversation it had no intention of being part of?”
What about we just stop now?
“What about you seeing through a task dozens of tax dodgers have committed years to.”
We should stop that too. On both sides of the Atlantic.