Terrible news from the Westminster Village business park today with the announcement that the popular fragrance “Imperial Nostalgia”, by Brexit (a subsidiary of the Brexit Industries group of companies), has been withdrawn from sale after wearers of the stench experienced thinking difficulties.
We spoke to one of the head product developers at Brexit to find out how this could possibly have happened.
”Beats me,” Mr A Dick said, “we tested the fragrance extensively for decades on ham based products of all kinds by repeatedly smashing a brick wrapped in a Daily Mail into their foreheads and all they smelt were classic English roses.”
But it seems that testing wasn’t extensive enough as since its release consumers of the populist product have had difficulties doing the most basic of tasks.
”We don’t think it’s our fault,” Brexit’s representatives went on, and on, and on, “it’s probably the fault of the Irish or the EU superstate tyranny and all their boring regulations relating to not getting people in Ireland killed just to satisfy the greed and arrogance of some complete asses like Rees-mogg and his kind.”
But whoever is to blame the symptoms related to use of “Imperial Nostalgia” are undeniable.
”We’ll muddle through,” the product designer reassured, “back in the lab someone is sure to hit upon the missing bit of magical thinking that explains how you can both be in a customs union and outside of one.”
Any early ideas?
”Yes. I suspect we need more imperial nostalgia mixed into the complete and utter con artist bullshit that is the core ingredient. If we can do that the Irish will just buckle under and do what they’re told, just like the French.”
Good luck with that.
”Do you want a complimentary bottle?”
No thanks, I enjoy being able to place facts side by side and draw conclusions. I don’t want your thinking difficulties.
“Remoaner. If you’d just wear imperial nostalgia stench we could make a success of this.”