Big blonde ponders another bus ride after racist voters go back where they came from

The governing Conservative Party were found to be celebrating this morning after they successfully sucked many UKIP voters back to the home of the hostile environment in the local elections, to balance out the ones lost in terror of Brexit.

“It’s giving me a funduggle wuggle wiggle in the pants! The Windrush scandal probably helped us win the kippers back!” Boris Johnson told us this morning, bleary eyed and holding a broken champagne flute, “to see our support firm and steady as she goes with the xenophobes leads me to thinking about a proper bish bosh bash at the leadership.”

But surely the result serves to firm up the ground under Theresa May?

“Ah, that’s where your monocle is fogocle,” the big, bouncy, playful blonde told us, “it shows that we can probably finally push her deep into the quick sand she’s always sinking into and win a general election again.

A bright burst of new life. That’s what I will offer. Fresh ideas. Classical references in your ears. I can trounce the old gardener on the campaign trail. I’ve got a bus! He can’t even get a train seat.”

Do you wish to take control of the Brexit process, even though it looks certain to failure, surely not?

“It’s the only bloody way I’ll survive it,” he boshed back, “if I stay in the passenger seat than I’ll just go through the bally windscreen with the old bird, but if I’m driving, now that’s a different story. You’ve never seen me twist and turn with a rugger ball?”

I’ve seen you barrel through a child.

“See! Nothing stands in my way.”

Is that why you engineered the fall of Rudd? To isolate May in the cabinet?

“She’s in a hostile environment no doubt. And it’s of my making. To see our support steady as she goes leads me to think where I may go.”

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