Southern Rail have intervened in the deep political crisis in Zimbabwe today with their standard wisdom, in a way that has surprised few, by offering Robert Mugabe political asylum on the delayed 08:34 service between Clapham Junction and Brighton.
People who have never used the train service may find it a little baffling that they have chosen to offer the 93 year old, who many believe effectively a dictator, sanctuary, but for Southern’s regular customers it’s no surprise.
“I can see it being a neat fit,” Mr F Rustrated of Woking commented, “Mugabe has been all over reducing levels of customer satisfaction and forcing people to repress anxiety, hunger and despair at just how long it will go on for. Exactly the same as Southern. Not to mention the feeling the whole gig is rigged.”
It’s not clear what Southern Rail will do if their offer is accepted, although cancelling numerous trains in celebration is probably high on the list.
It’s also not clear how they intend to get Mr Mugabe onto the specified train.
“The train isn’t going anywhere fast,” a PR whiz from Southern commented, “and neither is the president of Zimbabwe. It seems. We’ll be snug as bugs together.”
The representative added he was personally hopeful that Mr Mugabe could be the new voice of Southern, while a little worried that Virgin Trains may pinch the contract from under their noses.
“We need to get up to speed on this one quickly. Or at least find a way to present the relevant statistics imaginatively enough to get a minister of state like Grayling on our side.”