The UN has placed both Brexit and Donald Trump on the endangered species list. Both are critically endangered. There are very few Trumps left in the wild, and nobody is quite sure whether the Brexit actually exists.
The completely unbiased and reasonable BBC has responded with alarm. It has commissioned an expensive, expansive documentary series, Red, White and Blue Planet, devoted to the adoration of these ephemeral beasts.
Predictably, the Voice Of Wildlife, Sir David Attenborough, has been persuaded to narrate the series. His persuasion allegedly amounts to several million Euros.
“A more sentimental soul would have insisted on being paid in Pounds Sterling,” remarked Attenborough’s agent, Millie Onsquids. “But Sir David wanted to be sure his fee would not lose its value. And he maybe a bit cranky about something too.”
Onsquids allowed LCD Views to listen to some of Sir David’s commentary.
These will be edited into the finished visuals, once film crews have finished recording evocative scenes of the Concrete Jungles of Northern England.
“The Brexit is an elusive, intangible species,” intones Attenborough in reverent tones. “It feeds on ignorance and racism. It excretes bullshit and inane slogans. Some believe it to be a near relation of the unicorn, others that it is a chimera. Brexits like a well-defined territory, but cannot decide whether it prefers hard, soft or frictionless borders. Nobody has ever succeeded in pinning a Brexit down.”
For the Trump segment, tumbleweed-strewn shots of the Great American Political Desert are being prepared.
“The Trump is believed to be a rare genetic mutation of a great ape,” whispers Attenborough.
“Although it resembles a human in form, it appears to have the skin and hair of an orang-utan. Its hands are small compared to body size. A Trump given a mobile telephone has proved remarkably adept at using Twitter. It prefers to tweet during its frequent periods of defecation. As such, it is an unusual example of a creature which excretes from both ends simultaneously. Its mating rituals are crude and involve grabbing the genitalia of females. Surprisingly, the Trump has succeeded in breeding.”
Red, White and Blue Planet is expected to air the moment Theresa May loses her majority in Parliament. Make Attenborough Great Again.