Woman says she became a Brexiter the moment she was told she could deport three million people

A woman in a position of some influence has spoken to one of our award winning political correspondents today to explain how she experienced a damascene conversion regarding Brexit.

“You are aware I’m only answering the questions I pre-approved?” she said at the beginning of the interview, “if you try and ask me anything I have not had the pat phrase pre-installed as a reply to, I’ll freeze up and then you’ll have to reboot me.”

We know. We know. It’s okay. We read every instruction manual before talking to a government minister.

“Good. Just ignore the blue screens behind my pupils if they pop up. A member of the IT staff will pop in and turn me off and on again. Now, what’s your question?”

“We were mostly interested in how you went from being a supporter of remaining in the European Union to someone who isn’t now. You spoke several times of the clear and present dangers that leaving entailed.

But then once the con artists behind Leave successfully rigged, lied, micro targeted with stolen data susceptible and credulous voters, allegedly broke election laws by funnelling money into puppet companies, and to top it all off, drove a giant lie around the country on a bus, overnight you became a Brexiter?

“The answer is very straight forward.”

Please tell.

“The moment I understood I could deport three million people, and forcibly, well, I just had to go for it,” she smiled.

So you admit to having, shall we say, every so slightly racist instincts?

“Have you seen what we’ve been up to with the Windrush generations? Oh my God! How could you even ask me that? Where have you been?”

I’ve been right here living through your time in office.

“Do you have the papers to prove it?”

I thought you were supposed to have suddenly stopped all that and become very mad at the people who started it?

“Sorry. Old habits and all that. It’s a shame really. The hostile environment is my pet ‘long game’.

Becoming prime minister on a Brexit ticket looked so promising.

I could really exercise my deep antipathy to anyone who didn’t look like they were born in an English village. Foreigners are just so suspicious, don’t you find?

Still, let’s not give up now hey? We’ve got the official opposition backing Brexit with us and committed to leaving the single market, just like us. Freedom of movement is as good as dead in the water. We may get another swing on the mass deportation wicket.”

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