LCD Views reports with deep alarm this morning the call from a leading Brexiter to replace Saint George as the patron saint of England after Brexit with a proper British saint.
“He’s an immigrant, isn’t he?” a member of the ERG group told LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity. “You won’t leak this whatsapp chat, will you? I’ll have you if you do. I’ll dedicate myself to taking away your freedom of movement to move across an entire continent so I can better control the conditions you work under and crush your rights for my personal financial gain.”
Can we stick to Saint George please? We’re your back channel to the world on the issue.
“Fine. Saint George definitely entered the country illegally. The Home Office has recently changed the rules regarding documentation required to enter the United Kingdom in the 14th century and it’s highly unlikely this so called saint has the required paperwork.
He should be found, detained without trial, forced to pay for a legal defence he wouldn’t need if we hadn’t changed the rules to change his legal status, knowing he couldn’t provide the necessary documentation. We’ve also reduced dramatically legal aid, but that’s just a coincidence.
After this we should deport him to anywhere. He’s been identified as an undesired class, because he’s an immigrant, and not English by birth, and we should transport him and dump him as far away as possible, just like we used to do with starving lower orders in the 18th and 19th century. Some people are born wrong and you can’t cure them, you just need to surgically remove them from society to improve it.”
Can we surgically remove you?
“Excuse me?”
Nothing. But King Edward III invited Saint George to come to England and work as our patron saint. It’s not fair to change the rules now to throw him out.
“How much does this Saint George cost the public purse now? He’s well past retirement age. What use is he?”
Are you even human?
“I think so. I have a birth certificate, somewhere. Although I admit many people are starting to doubt it.”
Okay. So who would you suggest replaces the globe trotting, most international of saints?
“Saint Del Boy. Saint Theresa of Barking (mad). Jacob Rees-mogg the deliverer of common people from their rights. There’s any number of proper, British born magical thinkers who could do the job right. Just not someone not born in England. What has an immigrant ever done for us? Saint Theresa asked me that the other day. I couldn’t answer. Can you?”
Yes.