The Home Office sought to get back into the public’s good books today by revealing their new and out of this world points based migrant worker scheme.
“We were hoping to keep it under wraps till after Brexit, but that little fuss about some landing cards has meant we’ve had to push our plan to replace costly, human rights hungry EU27 workers, and all those we’ve deported illegally on the quiet, to the front of the news cycle,” revealed Jacob Rees-mogg MP, a synthetic human who makes synthesised speech like sounds by way of an old moog synth he’s had installed where his voice box should be, told LCD Views.
“Our new plan is the result of flexible and imaginative thinking and doesn’t have any of the tedious fuss relating to human rights and paying people a living wage. No data privacy hassles and gets right around the new anti-tax haven laws the tyrannical EU are forcing upon Britain because we’ll never stop taking dodgy kleptomanic cash on our own,” he added, “it seems some people have a very imaginative idea of what a human is. But not myself and my working group the Borg.”
Under the new plan the British space industry will receive a massive boost as the government is to provide a £350M per week cash incentive to bankroll any business that successfully identifies alien life that can be convinced to come and work cheaply in the United Kingdom after Brexit, on the assurance that we’ll look after them equal to white people who live in the counties and vote Tory.
“We’re going to need to replace the ageing workforce somehow, at least until the replicants of UKIP voters are produced,” Rees-mogg added, “the reputation of Global Britain as a place to work seems to have suffered unfairly due to a conspiracy by left wing rabble rousers politicising the Windrush scandal, just at what was really the most inconvenient moment [he means while the Commonwealth heads of government are in town].”
It seems the Home Office, in conjunction with “emerging market” specialist Rees-mogg, is hoping that a workforce of off planet variety may still be willing to be enticed to come and work in Global Britain, as no one else will now, and trust their rights will be protected even after the likes of Jacob and all the other fancy xenophobes have decided they’re now an expendable group and should be kicked out.
“It has the added advantage,” Rees-mogg explained, “not only won’t they know what we’re like, unlike earth based life forms now, but freedom of movement won’t have to be on the table either, due to the distances involved.”
While Jacob and his colleagues in government are sure the plan is a success in the making, critics have raised a few doubts about the feasibility.
“Firstly, alien planets with life forms sentient enough to work for disaster capitalists on the cheap will have been receiving our television broadcasts for decades and will probably have decided to never talk to us now that reality tv is a thing,” one added, “and they’ve seen what a basket case of scat flinging idiots QT now is. Secondly, if they can communicate with us we’re bloody sure they won’t be stupid enough to believe a word any pro-Brexit Conservative or Labour politician says. It might be best to start facing economic realities at home and just stop with the racist government policies.”
That critic was later accused of being a traitor who doesn’t understand democracy, of undermining the leader and being an enemy to the people.